apocalypsos | As per usual, spoilers galore ...

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: A Review in Q&A Form

So. Went to the movies, huh?

Don't I go every weekend?

Yeah, but usually you go see these huge blockbusters that are on, like, all of the screens and not some stupid little art movie about an unshaven garden tool and an escaped convict from some random Asian country nobody's ever heard of.

Um, I'm sorry. What?

You know, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Oh. You do know you're insane, right?

Wait, is this some weird horticultural porno or something?

Horticultural, no. Porno ... possibly. I'll have to wait for the DVD and the scenes they cut out.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean that after two movies' worth of writhing sexual tension between any two or three or several random characters, the filmmakers have finally given up all pretense and are just making out-and-out porn without the "out-and-out" part.

Oh, they are not.

Sure, they are.

You're just saying that because all you think about is sex.

Well, that's true, too.

Wait, aren't you a virgin? How can you possibly think about sex all of the time?

I don't know. Practice?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Just tell me all about this hirsute lawn-care instrument and the rogue criminal from that weird terrorist sect.

You're kidding, right? I mean, you can't possibly not know who Harry Potter is.

I've been locked in a basement in a far-off land with no newspapers or phones and am only allowed to watch "Full House" reruns.

I don't buy that.

Okay, how about if I asked you if you knew a guy named Sammy Jankis?

All right, complete severing from pop culture, it is!

Just fill me in on the characters, wenchy woman.

See, that I can handle.

Harry Potter ... Boy wizard who suffers from obnoxious family, evil villains intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Opens the movie playing under his blankets with his magic wand. "Playing with his magic wand" not a euphemism, even though if you replaced his magic wand with something pornier, that entire scene still would have made sense. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Hermione, when they were just kinda, you know, hanging out waiting for the deranged werewolf to show up.

Ron Weasley ... Boy wizard who suffers from obnoxious family, evil villains intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Is usually in life-threatening danger just because he hangs out with Harry, but we can't all be excellent judges of character. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Hermione, when the two of them went off to Hogsmeade without Harry.

Hermione Granger ... Decidedly non-boy wizard who suffers from just plain being obnoxious, evil villains intent on killing her, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Spends the entire movie popping up at the oddest times and places due to a time-jumping device given to her by Professor McGonagell, which may or may not be an attempt to be even more obnoxious. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Anyone, because Hermione's kind of an all-around repressed-sexual-tension slut, and any time, because the advantage of having a time-travel device is the ability to fling yourself at people when they least expect it.

Draco Malfoy ... Boy wizard who suffers from being made less obnoxious than he really is in dreamy Mary Sue fanfics, good and decent heroes intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Unless you're like me, and he looks exactly like your little brother, and you don't see it, because ewwwww. Snotty little punk who gets hit by a hippogriff, receives a sound punch to the nose from Hermione, and proves time and time again that no one squeals like a little girl more than a Malfoy. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Buckbeak, 'cause, bitch, you ain't seen a bad break-up until your ex-boyfriend's called in an executioner on your ass.

Albus Dumbledore ... Wise wizard headmaster of Hogwarts who spends a great deal of time spouting off rambling nonsense, probably so his unfortunate facial hair makes more sense in comparison. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: No one, because that's gross.

Buckbeak ... Is a hippogriff. Is also a gigantic non-cuddly woobie who would have horrible taste in men if Draco was what got his ire up. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Firenze, who wasn't even in this movie, but I think we can all agree that half-horse hybrid relationships are everyone's OTP.

Remus Lupin ... Is a walking chocolate dispenser and therefore probably cannot understand why he doesn't have more friends. Well, aside from that whole werewolf thing, but as a wise woman once said, "Three days out of the month, I'm no fun to be around, either." Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Sirius, but that would have been on-screen during their welcoming embrace, which was certainly long enough and close enough for unseen nookie to have taken place.

Sirius Black ... Crazed murderer chasing after Harry. One can only assume it's because Harry possesses soap, a toothbrush, and access to a washing machine. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: See Remus Lupin.

Severus Snape ... Scummy, gawth-as-fuck Potions teacher who's an absolute snot. As such, has dozens of Mary Sue fics written about how woooooooonderful he is. At one point, runs into Harry in a dark hallway and makes a reference to Harry's "strut." Amazingly enough, does not end the scene by making out with Harry and Remus, who shows up out of nowhere. Obviously, seeing director's last movie does not give a reviewer any sort of plot hints. Damn it. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Well, Harry, if Remus hadn't shown up. Smooth move, hairball.

So Remus and Sirius, huh?

Dude, totally. You know the sexual tension can be cut with a chainsaw when they meet in the Shrieking Shack, embrace next to a bed, and then have Snape declare that they're arguing like an old married couple. Which, hey, they were.

I've heard tell that this movie has been referred to as True Love in a Shack. Can you verify?

Well, if it counts, I can verify that if you look closely in the Shrieking Shack scene, the B-52s are hiding under the bed.

How hard did you have to keep from yelling, "Whatever you do, don't cross the streams!" when Harry was fending off the boggart Dementor?

Very. I'm getting better at this whole restraint thing, let me tell you.

So, did you like the movie?

Oh, definitely. When you have to bite your cheek to keep from squealing in the middle of the movie, that's bad. Or good, I suppose.

Then again, I think it helps that I want my own Buckbeak. And my own Firebolt so that I can play Quidditch. And also, I want to go to Hogwarts, but that might be because everybody there is a total pervert.

So you'd be among your own kind, then.

Exactly.

I was being sarcastic.

Huh. I wasn't.

All right, now that you've finished the review bit, care to bitch about the trailers as per usual?

Well, since you asked so nicely ...

Hey, filmmakers, fuck you! Thunderbirds are not GO, they're PUPPETS. I don't even know what GO is, but I know you cannot have GO without PUPPETS. And don't think casting a boy to play Alan Tracy who looks like he's carved out of wax fooled me for a minute. So consider it a lesson learned that you cannot have GO unless you can see the strings -- and no, that doesn't include the ones that make Bill Paxton move!

Also, whoever thought that showing the Catwoman trailer before this movie was a good idea is obviously doing an experiment to see how many young minds they can warp in one fell swoop.

Want to snark about the Fanta commercial again?

Oh, yeah. Did you ever notice that it says, "If you're not having fun, they'll find you!" in the commercial? You know, maybe if we all have fun at the same time, they won't be able to find anyone, and they'll scream and wail and dissolve into nothing like the Wicked Witch of the West. Or, you know, we could just drop a house on the four of them. Either nasty Wicked Witch demise works for me.

Plus, giving a carbonated beverage that causes hiccups to a man in a full-body cast is just cruel. That's how you know they're evil.