As per usual, spoilers galore ...

[apocalypsos]

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: A Review in Q&A Form

So. Went to the movies, huh?

Don't I go every weekend?

Yeah, but usually you go see these huge blockbusters that are on, like, all of the screens and not some stupid little art movie about an unshaven garden tool and an escaped convict from some random Asian country nobody's ever heard of.

Um, I'm sorry. What?

You know, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Oh. You do know you're insane, right?

Wait, is this some weird horticultural porno or something?

Horticultural, no. Porno ... possibly. I'll have to wait for the DVD and the scenes they cut out.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean that after two movies' worth of writhing sexual tension between any two or three or several random characters, the filmmakers have finally given up all pretense and are just making out-and-out porn without the "out-and-out" part.

Oh, they are not.

Sure, they are.

You're just saying that because all you think about is sex.

Well, that's true, too.

Wait, aren't you a virgin? How can you possibly think about sex all of the time?

I don't know. Practice?

Never mind, I don't want to know.

Just tell me all about this hirsute lawn-care instrument and the rogue criminal from that weird terrorist sect.

You're kidding, right? I mean, you can't possibly not know who Harry Potter is.

I've been locked in a basement in a far-off land with no newspapers or phones and am only allowed to watch "Full House" reruns.

I don't buy that.

Okay, how about if I asked you if you knew a guy named Sammy Jankis?

All right, complete severing from pop culture, it is!

Just fill me in on the characters, wenchy woman.

See, that I can handle.

Harry Potter ... Boy wizard who suffers from obnoxious family, evil villains intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Opens the movie playing under his blankets with his magic wand. "Playing with his magic wand" not a euphemism, even though if you replaced his magic wand with something pornier, that entire scene still would have made sense. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Hermione, when they were just kinda, you know, hanging out waiting for the deranged werewolf to show up.

Ron Weasley ... Boy wizard who suffers from obnoxious family, evil villains intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Is usually in life-threatening danger just because he hangs out with Harry, but we can't all be excellent judges of character. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Hermione, when the two of them went off to Hogsmeade without Harry.

Hermione Granger ... Decidedly non-boy wizard who suffers from just plain being obnoxious, evil villains intent on killing her, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Spends the entire movie popping up at the oddest times and places due to a time-jumping device given to her by Professor McGonagell, which may or may not be an attempt to be even more obnoxious. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Anyone, because Hermione's kind of an all-around repressed-sexual-tension slut, and any time, because the advantage of having a time-travel device is the ability to fling yourself at people when they least expect it.

Draco Malfoy ... Boy wizard who suffers from being made less obnoxious than he really is in dreamy Mary Sue fanfics, good and decent heroes intent on killing him, and incredible fucking amounts of extreme hotness that should never have been bestowed on one so unfairly below the legal limits. Unless you're like me, and he looks exactly like your little brother, and you don't see it, because ewwwww. Snotty little punk who gets hit by a hippogriff, receives a sound punch to the nose from Hermione, and proves time and time again that no one squeals like a little girl more than a Malfoy. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Buckbeak, 'cause, bitch, you ain't seen a bad break-up until your ex-boyfriend's called in an executioner on your ass.

Albus Dumbledore ... Wise wizard headmaster of Hogwarts who spends a great deal of time spouting off rambling nonsense, probably so his unfortunate facial hair makes more sense in comparison. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: No one, because that's gross.

Buckbeak ... Is a hippogriff. Is also a gigantic non-cuddly woobie who would have horrible taste in men if Draco was what got his ire up. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Firenze, who wasn't even in this movie, but I think we can all agree that half-horse hybrid relationships are everyone's OTP.

Remus Lupin ... Is a walking chocolate dispenser and therefore probably cannot understand why he doesn't have more friends. Well, aside from that whole werewolf thing, but as a wise woman once said, "Three days out of the month, I'm no fun to be around, either." Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Sirius, but that would have been on-screen during their welcoming embrace, which was certainly long enough and close enough for unseen nookie to have taken place.

Sirius Black ... Crazed murderer chasing after Harry. One can only assume it's because Harry possesses soap, a toothbrush, and access to a washing machine. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: See Remus Lupin.

Severus Snape ... Scummy, gawth-as-fuck Potions teacher who's an absolute snot. As such, has dozens of Mary Sue fics written about how woooooooonderful he is. At one point, runs into Harry in a dark hallway and makes a reference to Harry's "strut." Amazingly enough, does not end the scene by making out with Harry and Remus, who shows up out of nowhere. Obviously, seeing director's last movie does not give a reviewer any sort of plot hints. Damn it. Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Well, Harry, if Remus hadn't shown up. Smooth move, hairball.

So Remus and Sirius, huh?

Dude, totally. You know the sexual tension can be cut with a chainsaw when they meet in the Shrieking Shack, embrace next to a bed, and then have Snape declare that they're arguing like an old married couple. Which, hey, they were.

I've heard tell that this movie has been referred to as True Love in a Shack. Can you verify?

Well, if it counts, I can verify that if you look closely in the Shrieking Shack scene, the B-52s are hiding under the bed.

How hard did you have to keep from yelling, "Whatever you do, don't cross the streams!" when Harry was fending off the boggart Dementor?

Very. I'm getting better at this whole restraint thing, let me tell you.

So, did you like the movie?

Oh, definitely. When you have to bite your cheek to keep from squealing in the middle of the movie, that's bad. Or good, I suppose.

Then again, I think it helps that I want my own Buckbeak. And my own Firebolt so that I can play Quidditch. And also, I want to go to Hogwarts, but that might be because everybody there is a total pervert.

So you'd be among your own kind, then.

Exactly.

I was being sarcastic.

Huh. I wasn't.

All right, now that you've finished the review bit, care to bitch about the trailers as per usual?

Well, since you asked so nicely ...

Hey, filmmakers, fuck you! Thunderbirds are not GO, they're PUPPETS. I don't even know what GO is, but I know you cannot have GO without PUPPETS. And don't think casting a boy to play Alan Tracy who looks like he's carved out of wax fooled me for a minute. So consider it a lesson learned that you cannot have GO unless you can see the strings -- and no, that doesn't include the ones that make Bill Paxton move!

Also, whoever thought that showing the Catwoman trailer before this movie was a good idea is obviously doing an experiment to see how many young minds they can warp in one fell swoop.

Want to snark about the Fanta commercial again?

Oh, yeah. Did you ever notice that it says, "If you're not having fun, they'll find you!" in the commercial? You know, maybe if we all have fun at the same time, they won't be able to find anyone, and they'll scream and wail and dissolve into nothing like the Wicked Witch of the West. Or, you know, we could just drop a house on the four of them. Either nasty Wicked Witch demise works for me.

Plus, giving a carbonated beverage that causes hiccups to a man in a full-body cast is just cruel. That's how you know they're evil.

Comments

[bnh.livejournal.com]

I love you so much.

[raindroproses.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. I'd wallop you with my Stick of Pure Envy, but I'm laughing too damn hard. Is it possible to give a review of a movie two thumbs up? :-)

[conuly]

*dies laughing*

[yud.livejournal.com]

It's funny, because whenever I see a post on livejournal with spoilers about the Harry Potter movie, first I'm all "oh, I should read this since it will spoil the movie" and then I realize that I already read the book so it's a bit too late for that.

[leaveoutalltherest]

Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Sirius, but that would have been on-screen during their welcoming embrace, which was certainly long enough and close enough for unseen nookie to have taken place.

It was so there. I swear, Cuaron was completely catering to the slashers with this movie.

[beanarie.livejournal.com]

Dude, wasn't he just. And nobody's even mentioned the hour and a half they spent in each other's arms as Remus changed into a werewolf. "Here is where your heart is." Watching that, I was like, "Whoa, Harry Potter and the Coming Out Party of Moony & Padfoot."

PS: Kick butt icon. I love the Chipmunks!

[rashaka.livejournal.com]

Wait, aren't you a virgin? How can you possibly think about sex all of the time?

I don't know. Practice?

::raises hand in tandem::

[ceejayoz.livejournal.com]

I feel so dirty every time I lust over Emma Watson. :/

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

You think you feel dirty, you should have seen the look on my face during the scene in the beginning at the Dursleys'. Did you see the movie yet? Harry's standing in the kitchen in this pretty preppy outfit looking all indignant and put-upon ... *sigh*

I'd like to describe it with more emotion, but my hormones are on the first plane to England to wait patiently on Dan's doorstep for his eighteenth birthday.

I need to find someone my age who looks exactly like him. Like, NOW.

... aaaaaaand this is why I feel like a perv.

[dorei.livejournal.com]

It's harder not to see the hotness now that his voice has changed, too.

Ugh. And he's 20 years younger than me. I feel dirty.

[ceejayoz.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I remember that scene. Harry doesn't do much for me though, being an entirely straight male. I can understand why he sends everyone into fits of lust, though. :-p

Love the new icon, btw.

[ktmobile.livejournal.com]

I am totally with you on this... All through the movie I was having this conversation with myself in my head, "Oh, man he's hot. But he's 14, you sicko! Yeah, but I can just ogle, can't I? No, you'll become a pedophile! Well, if all underage kids looked like him maybe pedophilia wouldn't be illegal. Sick, sick, sick! Shut up, he's hot!"

Oh, yeah, and thanks to you I now have that Fanta theme running through my head. No, I DON'T want a fucking Fanta!

[wenchamok.livejournal.com]

That's OK, don't feel bad. I spent most of the movie wondering who'd be a better lay -- Harry, Draco or Sirius..... (Side note: Draco's hair, let me introduce you to this nifty thing....they're called scissors! Blech, get that boy a haircut!)

[azurelunatic]

I don't think we got the Fanta commercial.

*ponders*

We got The Polar Express trailer, which made me leak tearfulness.

[gruyere.livejournal.com]

We got them both, plus Catwoman, Thunderbirds, The Notebook, A Cinderella Story (it gets points for the presence of Jennifer Coolidge), and one other trailer I can't remember.

[azurelunatic]

Sleepover?

[gruyere.livejournal.com]

No, although that's what scifantasy thought we'd get.

*checks IMDb upcoming movies list*

Ah yes, of course - The Terminal.

[azurelunatic]

I got that. It looks hilarious, after the fashion of teen films.

When did they get so tiny?

[namey.livejournal.com]

Thunderbirds, Spidey 2, Polar Express and... and... crap, it was midnight, I was mostly asleep until the movie started.

[musyc]

*genuflect*

And it's HIGHLY unfair that they're all that young. At least Tom will be 18 next year. Soon I will not be (as terribly) pervy!

[leyenn.livejournal.com]

You realise that being English he is therefore already legal... *cackles* *incites perviness*

[anniesj.livejournal.com]

Oh, God, you rock.

Most likely to have had naughty off-screen nookie with: Buckbeak, 'cause, bitch, you ain't seen a bad break-up until your ex-boyfriend's called in an executioner on your ass.

BWAHAHAHAHA! So. Damn. True.

And re: the Fanta commercials? Dude, I want to stab those cunts in the face every time I see them. They have ensured that I will never, ever buy a bottle of Fanta. Ever. Not EVER. ::shudder::

[silent-sybil.livejournal.com]

*adoration* Ahem. I add you to my Friends list now. ^___^

[muffytaj.livejournal.com]

And I am, in fact, the same age as the young cast, so I don't feel at all pervy! I CAN SCREW THEM IF I SO WISH! AND FANTASISE!

Oh yeah, I love being young. *thinks very naughty thoughts with no guilt*

[illmantrim.livejournal.com]

very well done review I had a few annoyign moments when logic was defied but then remembered this was Algfonso's movie and went oh yeah thats right and stopped worrying.

[ceciliadoll.livejournal.com]

Harry and Hermione while they were waiting for the werewolf... I had that scene playing in my head while the movie was on, and I felt dirty, because I was surrounded by children who may or may not have been mindreaders. It's possible! One of them looked at me really funny!

Also, do you think they're going to get around the puppet problem in Thunderbirds by having really wooden actors? (Hoho.... sorry.)

[opportunemoment.livejournal.com]

How hard did you have to keep from yelling, "Whatever you do, don't cross the streams!" when Harry was fending off the boggart Dementor?

Gwahaha :D

Another work of art. And now I have to write a sensible one of these for the college paper. Damn it...

[astaria51.livejournal.com]

What's the legal age in Britain? I was sure it was younger than here. In any case, Tom's 17, so he's actually NOT illegal.

And looks it.

And Rupert turns 16 this summer, which may have him covered. Daniel's 15 this summer. Emma's 16.
How old are the twins? Now THERE's a question.

*is an evil pervert*

By the way, I still think they cut the Sirius/Remus makeout scene for American audiences, or something. Their faces were about thisclose during aforementioned mad embrace, and then you cut back and they're staring gleefully at eachother. Hmm...

[leyenn.livejournal.com]

It's 16 for straight, gay and possibly anything else, because sometimes my country rocks like a rocking thing.

Woo, I can legally perv on Hermione! Doesn't make it any better that I was perving at her on a Blue Peter interview this morning. *facepalm*

[cacklebang.livejournal.com]

You didn't get the godawful Polar Express trailer? Lucky..

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Why, yes, I did. However, in my case, it was immediately followed by Catwoman, and Crap was overthrown by Larger Crap.

[wcspegasus.livejournal.com]

Brilliant review! moggymania pointed me in your direction...am v.v. glad that she did. :)

[freedomfry.livejournal.com]

Owww... I just laughed so hard that I choked on the Fanta of Evil. Coughing spasms aside, this is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

::stalks DVD store for her chance to see the movie::

[bubonicplague.livejournal.com]

Hrpmph. Snape is fanfic fodder for good reason. He's delightful morally ambiguous lushness.

Hee, loved that recap, it was brill.

[weaverandom.livejournal.com]

We had the Garfield trailer. THEY ARE RAPING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES WITH BIG POINTY THINGS.

I went to see the movie twice yesterday (being all Australian and whatnot, we didn't get it till then, and what is a much-awaited blockbuster release without a band of squealing fangirls, and what is a band of squealing fangirls without multiple viewings of the movie?) ... and I nearly cried when Garfield trailer came on again.

It's just so wrong.

Also, totally with you on the Thunderbirds thing. SO WRONG. But Garfield is, believe it or not, WRONGER.

[tesria.livejournal.com]

Unless you're like me, and he looks exactly like your little brother, and you don't see it, because ewwwww.

Dude, you too? I have the same problem.

No. Really.