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Jun. 6th, 2004 04:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosSo I read this open letter to a bunch of elitist fangirls by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
qowf and I got inspired because damn it, if anyone has movie theater peeves, it's me.
Top Ten Ways Not To Be An Asshole In The Movie Theater
1. First off, turn off your fucking cell phone. And I mean totally off. I don't mean just turn off the ringer or whatever so you can check your email or text message or whatever the hell it is you're doing that requires you to let off an eerie blue light halfway through the damn film. Here, let me help you out. I haven't been to a movie in nearly three years that didn't have one of those stupid commercials attached to tell you to turn off your phones. Do like I've done since I got my cell and use it as an excuse to double-check and make sure it's off. Unless you're waiting for a kidney, you're not important enough that leaving your phone off for two hours will kill you.
2. You know, it's one thing to bring a little kid to see Finding Nemo or Monsters Inc., but don't expect me not to, at the very least, give you a dirty look and tell my companion you're an asshat if you're enough of a schmuck to bring a six-year-old to House of 1000 Corpses. Not only are you warping their little minds with gory violence, you're teaching him to have shitty taste in movies.
3. On opening weekend of a big movie, you have no right to come in five minutes before the movie starts and bitch that there are no seats left. NO. Fucking. Right. Example -- let's say you're going to see ... oh, I don't know. Let's say it's a Harry Potter movie. It's very nice that you learned how to buy tickets online and have had them since February, but if you're too stupid to show up any sooner than five minutes before the trailers start, you immediately qualify for admission in the Asshat Special Forces.
4. You know, it's okay to whisper during a movie. Whisper. Let me help you. The definition of a whisper is to talk softly and quietly. It is not TO TALK AT A LEVEL YOU MIGHT USE AT AN OVERCROWDED BAR ON A FRIDAY NIGHT OR PERHAPS DURING THE APOCALYPTIC NUKING OF A LARGE CITY.
5. If you get to the theater before they open on a popular film weekend -- for example, this previous one -- this is a good move. However, if there's a sign on the outer doors saying, "We will open these doors at 10:30," quit bitching that the theater obviously doesn't give a shit about its customers. Think like a business owner, dumbass. I always thought they didn't at least let you into that front atrium section because of insurance reasons, and I had that confirmed by a guy I befriended in the ROTK line. If I hear one more person standing outside a theater complaining that the theater has "lousy customer service" because they're not being allowed at least in the front atrium, I'm going on a killing spree, and I'm starting with them.
6. In the same vein -- no pun intended -- the next victims in that killing spree will be the morons who see that there is a huge line in front of the theater waiting for the front doors to open who either a.) go up and try the doors anyway, as if we're all standing there for our health, or b.) the people who stand there, anyway, because if they wait at the end of the line, they'll never get in. *eyeroll*
7. Hey. Yeah, you, Captain Obvious sitting next to me. I'm going to assume that the friend that came with you is not mentally deficient. I'd appreciate it if you would do the same and not keep spouting off observations like, "It's the police!" and "She's going to get killed!" Noooo, really?!
8. As was pointed out in the above open letter byqowf, movie-going is a communal experience. The reason there are dozens of other people in your movie theater who won't move at your beck and call and won't put up with you talking is because it's not your goddamn movie theater. And amazingly enough, if you threaten to go tattle on us to the theater people, we're not even going to bother considering it a real threat. But feel free to do it in front of us, because we'd love to watch you make an ass out of yourself.
9. Look, I understand that there are some times you just can't keep in your orgasmic moans. For example, when I went to see "Someone Like You" and Hugh Jackman came on screen in black silk boxers, all ... uh, seven women in the theater moaned at the exact same time. Here's the difference from what you keep doing, stupid fangirl -- we didn't do it every bloody time the man was on screen. No one is that pretty, not even Hugh Jackman.
Okay, maybe Hugh Jackman.
10. Look, if you're adapting something either literary or historical for the screen, some things just don't translate. So if they have to change one or two (or several dozen) things to get the damn thing to work on screen, as long as it makes sense and doesn't trample hatefully on the source material, I'll give it a chance. And when it's done, I can either consider it well-written and entertaining, if somewhat off-canon, fanfiction, or I can consider it crap and be on my merry way. What I'd appreciate out of you is no running commentary about where the film deviates from the book or the comic or historical fact or blah blah would-you-like-some-cheese-with-that-whine cakes. If I know the material already, I can figure it out on my own, thanks. And if I don't know the source material, I'll figure it out when I do, or I won't and I won't really give a crap. Any way you look at it, shut up.
Hee. And people wonder why I'd rather go to the movies alone. ;)
qowf and I got inspired because damn it, if anyone has movie theater peeves, it's me.1. First off, turn off your fucking cell phone. And I mean totally off. I don't mean just turn off the ringer or whatever so you can check your email or text message or whatever the hell it is you're doing that requires you to let off an eerie blue light halfway through the damn film. Here, let me help you out. I haven't been to a movie in nearly three years that didn't have one of those stupid commercials attached to tell you to turn off your phones. Do like I've done since I got my cell and use it as an excuse to double-check and make sure it's off. Unless you're waiting for a kidney, you're not important enough that leaving your phone off for two hours will kill you.
2. You know, it's one thing to bring a little kid to see Finding Nemo or Monsters Inc., but don't expect me not to, at the very least, give you a dirty look and tell my companion you're an asshat if you're enough of a schmuck to bring a six-year-old to House of 1000 Corpses. Not only are you warping their little minds with gory violence, you're teaching him to have shitty taste in movies.
3. On opening weekend of a big movie, you have no right to come in five minutes before the movie starts and bitch that there are no seats left. NO. Fucking. Right. Example -- let's say you're going to see ... oh, I don't know. Let's say it's a Harry Potter movie. It's very nice that you learned how to buy tickets online and have had them since February, but if you're too stupid to show up any sooner than five minutes before the trailers start, you immediately qualify for admission in the Asshat Special Forces.
4. You know, it's okay to whisper during a movie. Whisper. Let me help you. The definition of a whisper is to talk softly and quietly. It is not TO TALK AT A LEVEL YOU MIGHT USE AT AN OVERCROWDED BAR ON A FRIDAY NIGHT OR PERHAPS DURING THE APOCALYPTIC NUKING OF A LARGE CITY.
5. If you get to the theater before they open on a popular film weekend -- for example, this previous one -- this is a good move. However, if there's a sign on the outer doors saying, "We will open these doors at 10:30," quit bitching that the theater obviously doesn't give a shit about its customers. Think like a business owner, dumbass. I always thought they didn't at least let you into that front atrium section because of insurance reasons, and I had that confirmed by a guy I befriended in the ROTK line. If I hear one more person standing outside a theater complaining that the theater has "lousy customer service" because they're not being allowed at least in the front atrium, I'm going on a killing spree, and I'm starting with them.
6. In the same vein -- no pun intended -- the next victims in that killing spree will be the morons who see that there is a huge line in front of the theater waiting for the front doors to open who either a.) go up and try the doors anyway, as if we're all standing there for our health, or b.) the people who stand there, anyway, because if they wait at the end of the line, they'll never get in. *eyeroll*
7. Hey. Yeah, you, Captain Obvious sitting next to me. I'm going to assume that the friend that came with you is not mentally deficient. I'd appreciate it if you would do the same and not keep spouting off observations like, "It's the police!" and "She's going to get killed!" Noooo, really?!
8. As was pointed out in the above open letter by
qowf, movie-going is a communal experience. The reason there are dozens of other people in your movie theater who won't move at your beck and call and won't put up with you talking is because it's not your goddamn movie theater. And amazingly enough, if you threaten to go tattle on us to the theater people, we're not even going to bother considering it a real threat. But feel free to do it in front of us, because we'd love to watch you make an ass out of yourself.9. Look, I understand that there are some times you just can't keep in your orgasmic moans. For example, when I went to see "Someone Like You" and Hugh Jackman came on screen in black silk boxers, all ... uh, seven women in the theater moaned at the exact same time. Here's the difference from what you keep doing, stupid fangirl -- we didn't do it every bloody time the man was on screen. No one is that pretty, not even Hugh Jackman.
Okay, maybe Hugh Jackman.
10. Look, if you're adapting something either literary or historical for the screen, some things just don't translate. So if they have to change one or two (or several dozen) things to get the damn thing to work on screen, as long as it makes sense and doesn't trample hatefully on the source material, I'll give it a chance. And when it's done, I can either consider it well-written and entertaining, if somewhat off-canon, fanfiction, or I can consider it crap and be on my merry way. What I'd appreciate out of you is no running commentary about where the film deviates from the book or the comic or historical fact or blah blah would-you-like-some-cheese-with-that-whine cakes. If I know the material already, I can figure it out on my own, thanks. And if I don't know the source material, I'll figure it out when I do, or I won't and I won't really give a crap. Any way you look at it, shut up.
Hee. And people wonder why I'd rather go to the movies alone. ;)
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Yes ...
Date: 2004-06-06 03:14 pm (UTC)Re: Yes ...
Date: 2004-06-07 05:17 am (UTC)Re: Yes ...
Date: 2004-06-07 05:19 am (UTC)I also tried to do it with Battlefield Earth, but that was another one where some guy brought a little kid, and if there's one thing I won't do, it's ruin a movie for a well-behaved kid who's having fun. Damn it.
Re: Yes ...
Date: 2004-06-07 05:24 am (UTC)