(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

So I read this open letter to a bunch of elitist fangirls by qowf and I got inspired because damn it, if anyone has movie theater peeves, it's me.

Top Ten Ways Not To Be An Asshole In The Movie Theater

1. First off, turn off your fucking cell phone. And I mean totally off. I don't mean just turn off the ringer or whatever so you can check your email or text message or whatever the hell it is you're doing that requires you to let off an eerie blue light halfway through the damn film. Here, let me help you out. I haven't been to a movie in nearly three years that didn't have one of those stupid commercials attached to tell you to turn off your phones. Do like I've done since I got my cell and use it as an excuse to double-check and make sure it's off. Unless you're waiting for a kidney, you're not important enough that leaving your phone off for two hours will kill you.

2. You know, it's one thing to bring a little kid to see Finding Nemo or Monsters Inc., but don't expect me not to, at the very least, give you a dirty look and tell my companion you're an asshat if you're enough of a schmuck to bring a six-year-old to House of 1000 Corpses. Not only are you warping their little minds with gory violence, you're teaching him to have shitty taste in movies.

3. On opening weekend of a big movie, you have no right to come in five minutes before the movie starts and bitch that there are no seats left. NO. Fucking. Right. Example -- let's say you're going to see ... oh, I don't know. Let's say it's a Harry Potter movie. It's very nice that you learned how to buy tickets online and have had them since February, but if you're too stupid to show up any sooner than five minutes before the trailers start, you immediately qualify for admission in the Asshat Special Forces.

4. You know, it's okay to whisper during a movie. Whisper. Let me help you. The definition of a whisper is to talk softly and quietly. It is not TO TALK AT A LEVEL YOU MIGHT USE AT AN OVERCROWDED BAR ON A FRIDAY NIGHT OR PERHAPS DURING THE APOCALYPTIC NUKING OF A LARGE CITY.

5. If you get to the theater before they open on a popular film weekend -- for example, this previous one -- this is a good move. However, if there's a sign on the outer doors saying, "We will open these doors at 10:30," quit bitching that the theater obviously doesn't give a shit about its customers. Think like a business owner, dumbass. I always thought they didn't at least let you into that front atrium section because of insurance reasons, and I had that confirmed by a guy I befriended in the ROTK line. If I hear one more person standing outside a theater complaining that the theater has "lousy customer service" because they're not being allowed at least in the front atrium, I'm going on a killing spree, and I'm starting with them.

6. In the same vein -- no pun intended -- the next victims in that killing spree will be the morons who see that there is a huge line in front of the theater waiting for the front doors to open who either a.) go up and try the doors anyway, as if we're all standing there for our health, or b.) the people who stand there, anyway, because if they wait at the end of the line, they'll never get in. *eyeroll*

7. Hey. Yeah, you, Captain Obvious sitting next to me. I'm going to assume that the friend that came with you is not mentally deficient. I'd appreciate it if you would do the same and not keep spouting off observations like, "It's the police!" and "She's going to get killed!" Noooo, really?!

8. As was pointed out in the above open letter by qowf, movie-going is a communal experience. The reason there are dozens of other people in your movie theater who won't move at your beck and call and won't put up with you talking is because it's not your goddamn movie theater. And amazingly enough, if you threaten to go tattle on us to the theater people, we're not even going to bother considering it a real threat. But feel free to do it in front of us, because we'd love to watch you make an ass out of yourself.

9. Look, I understand that there are some times you just can't keep in your orgasmic moans. For example, when I went to see "Someone Like You" and Hugh Jackman came on screen in black silk boxers, all ... uh, seven women in the theater moaned at the exact same time. Here's the difference from what you keep doing, stupid fangirl -- we didn't do it every bloody time the man was on screen. No one is that pretty, not even Hugh Jackman.

Okay, maybe Hugh Jackman.

10. Look, if you're adapting something either literary or historical for the screen, some things just don't translate. So if they have to change one or two (or several dozen) things to get the damn thing to work on screen, as long as it makes sense and doesn't trample hatefully on the source material, I'll give it a chance. And when it's done, I can either consider it well-written and entertaining, if somewhat off-canon, fanfiction, or I can consider it crap and be on my merry way. What I'd appreciate out of you is no running commentary about where the film deviates from the book or the comic or historical fact or blah blah would-you-like-some-cheese-with-that-whine cakes. If I know the material already, I can figure it out on my own, thanks. And if I don't know the source material, I'll figure it out when I do, or I won't and I won't really give a crap. Any way you look at it, shut up.


Hee. And people wonder why I'd rather go to the movies alone. ;)

Comments

[dawning-star.livejournal.com]

This might end up being printed out, copied multiple times, and pasted all over my local cinema. ;)

[anne-jumps.livejournal.com]

I'm not even sure WHEN I'm going to go see the movies I really want to see because of these people (I'm an Ambience Nazi [TM someone on FameTracker]).

The freak next to me at ROTK.

[azurelunatic]

My best friend and I were sitting near some very young teenage Legolas fangirls for that one. He and I are in our mid-twenties, and mostly quiet. They were thirteen or younger, and squeeing.

They had to have been skipping school. I swear.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

I love this! I completely agree with everything on it and would like to add one more if you don't mind.

11) Do not bring an infant (Obvious from the screaching, wailing cries) to a 2 1/2 hour movie! I don't care if you couldn't find a sitter or the kid is freakin asleep, don't do it! Dawn of the Dead and Troy, not to mention Master and Commander were all invaded by crying children, so as I see it the next movie I go to with a crying baby in the theater I'll have to kill the parents just to prove a point.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

YES. Jesus, if I go to one more movie with a person who's brought a child under the age of one year old, I'm going to scream. Any child under one year of age is not watching the movie, damn it. And any child between one and four should not be allowed into any movie that's not animated. I can deal with small children in movies like that, because I expect it.

Actually, the most well-behaved child I've ever seen in a movie was a little girl who couldn't have been more than a year and a half old whose mom brought her to Finding Nemo. She spent the whole movie silent as could be clutching a Nemo doll and staring at the screen in absolute wonder. She was soooo cute. :)

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

As usual, this rocks.

I was too angry to be articulate after the slashers wrecked moments of HPPOA for me.

But yes, these things do bug me.

A lot.

It's nice to know there are other intelligent people they bug too.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

i'd like to add a hybrid: people who talk like that, explain everything that can be seen on screen to their whining little children and have conversations on their cell-phone.

i am just glad that we don't have the awful custom of queuing for the cinema, one good thing.

[finnystix.livejournal.com]

Amen. Amen to qowf, too. Everything you guys said is so true. I'm a Remus/Sirius slasher myself, but good God, it's not an impossible task to restrain myself from ruining the film with my squeals. Fangirl squealings is what the car ride home is for.

[wenchamok.livejournal.com]

OK, so on your list of "I'm gonna bitchslap these people!" where do those that, when confronted with big ugly spiders on screen, let out an audible "MEEP!" then promptly start trying to claw their way through the back of the seat and/or turn into Jello and slide down on to the floor, cowering?

(Hey, at least I didn't scream.....)

[akacat]

I dunno about tp, but I would find it pretty amusing. The first time, at least. (Have you seen HPPOA yet? With the ...rollerskates?)

[wiredwizard.livejournal.com]

I miss the old days, back when if some moron wouldn't shut up in the theatre, they'd get pelted w/ M&M's etc. from all directions until they either shut the hell up or left. =eg=

QX - Buster out.

[zyandra.livejournal.com]

I have been so tempted to start whipping nibs at ppl in movies theaters sometimes for no reason at all but mostly at people that just don't know when to shut up. Lights go down, previews are over...MOUTHS ARE NOW CLOSED :P *LOL*

Awsome post trollprincess *cheers*

[ceridwen_amyed]

*applauds*

God, this reminds me of when I went to see Fellowship of the Ring for the first time... These 13 year old boys behind us wolf-whistled when Liv Tyler came shining onto the screen and then cackled loudly at how omfg, liek, COOL they were. And then they had the audacity to complain to us that we ruined the film for them because we had gasped loudly and jumped a little when Bilbo did his "I'm a Ring junkie and I EAT YOU NOW" moment. (Never mind that the rest of thecinema jumped as well)

Uh. There is actually a difference between a genuine reaction to a film like a laugh or a gasp, and completely juvenile idiotic fanboy behaviour.

*facepalm* I hate people sometimes.

(Oh, and got here from metaquotes. Teh funny. ;) )

[lots42.livejournal.com]

"I'm a ring junkie and I EAT YOU NOW!" so needs to be turned into an icon. Though of course, I can't find any images of Evil!Bilbo. All I can find is images of Frodo and Bilbo standing around his bed, which now disturbs me.

[mo0.livejournal.com]

You know those little films that they have before movies? They aren't effective because half the audience walks in after they show it. They should interrupt the goddamn movie if enough people talk to show the dancing popcorn screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
...
I've been to two bad theaters in a row. Shrek 2, which was mostly understandable, then The Day After Tomorrow, where a gaggle of 10 teenagers were giggling and talking throughout the whole movie and getting up and leaving every 2 minutes. I eventually just went and got a security guard and watched as the theater applauded when they were booted out. The movie was enjoyable afterwards.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

You know those little films that they have before movies? They aren't effective because half the audience walks in after they show it.

Ain't that the truth. *growls*

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

I decided long ago that I hate everyone in the theatre except me when I saw Seven years ago, and these teenage boys starting laughing hysterically at the part where the man has just screwed the prostitute with that strap on of death. I may be over sensitive, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't meant to be funny, and if I were those boys-- Aaak, just went to the bad place.

Pretty much made me eye any teenage boys in every movie I've ever been to since then, and then I sit far far away from them.

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

I got sick to my stomach seeing that part. If I'd been at that theater, I would have bitched at them in the theater. FUCK not making a scene.

[frogmajick.livejournal.com]

Because I am not the biggest movie-goer, and my $5 to $10 depending on admission (not counting concessions) is a big spend for me considering I have the patience to wait to get even new releases for 25cents in my little town on bargain Sunday, when I do go to the theater I fully reserve the right to stand up and embarass the hell out of squealing monkey girls. I appreciate they are young and having fun, but they are not what we paid our money to see, and at this moment every eye in the theater is on them. stfukthxbai. It never fails me, and also solidifies the fact that I am a really old and cranky bitch.

[qowf.livejournal.com]

I give you an "amen."

AMEN.

::watches point fly right past me::

[adjectivegirl.livejournal.com]

Someone Like You and Hugh Jackman came on screen in black silk boxers

HE DID?! ::Roadrunner cartoon poof of dust as I run over small children to go to Blockbuster::

Ah, yes, and can I mention how much I haaate that new cell phones make noise WHEN they turn off aghhhh damn you Sanyo.

[akacat]

What's your take on people who continue to do the crossword puzzle on their phone until the Fanta girls shut up and the first Preview appears? (whistles and tries to look innocent.)

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

That's allowed. In fact, any sort of distraction during that commercial short of global thermonuclear war should be encouraged.

[dargie.livejournal.com]

Um, actually yes, for some of us, having at least the option to set the phone to vibrate so we can go out to the lobby and answer IS that important. The only way I feel comfortable leaving my nearly-90 y.o. parents alone for a couple of hours is if they know they can get in touch with me should anything happen. So most people don't need their phones on, but some of us do.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

See, vibrate's okay, especially with something like that. But these are the same asshats who just leave their phones on and don't give a damn.

[velocityboy.livejournal.com]

I'm 6'1" tall (god knows how many centimeters that is). Most new cinemas have the chairs that rock slightly back and forth. This supposedly makes sitting in an airplane seat comfortable. It doesn't, especially to my kness when you rock back into them, or your head when I lose it and kick you. True story from The Day After Tomorrow. Mr Wiggles sat in front of me, rocking back and forth, slamming into my knees. He got the tread of a Kenneth Cole in the back of his head the next return visit.

Feet off seats, no rocking. Feet on the seats distorts the view for people behind you, rocking will get you decapitated if I'M behind you.

Love your list, my only sin personally guilty of is saying "ELF" in a frenzied whisper in all 3 LotR films, every time they showed him. My friend countered with "HUMAN" for Viggo, and her now-ex-boyfriend was the only person in the theatre.

He could have said "ORC" or "TROLL". We don't judge.

[rosaleendhu.livejournal.com]

No one is that pretty, not even Hugh Jackman.

Okay, maybe Hugh Jackman.

Well, if that's how you feel... If you missed the Tonys, please find the opening number on the internet somehow, because you really, really, really don't want to miss seeing Hugh Jackman be part of a kickline with the Rockettes.

[drhenryjekyll.livejournal.com]

My mom and I were laughing hysterically with the Boy From Oz segment. My God, that was HILARIOUS.

[ex-dovil323.livejournal.com]

This needs to be turned into a leaflet and made mandatory that it must be memorised before being able to buy tickets.

[ceciliadoll.livejournal.com]

10. Look, if you're adapting something either literary or historical for the screen, some things just don't translate.

THANK YOU! This is really starting to bug me now. Face it, everyone, they aren't going to get every single line of the book into the movie! It's a different medium, it just won't work.

Also, at the second showing of Harry Potter in our single-screened movie theatre, there were plenty of people who were dumb enough to turn up late - not just on time, but late, to the first day of Harry Potter - and then had the audacity to bitch to the usher about there not being seats. Get a brain! Ack.

[snellios.livejournal.com]

You should have been in the cinema during tPotC when someone was saying the lines, just before they were even said by the actors, in Aramaic.

[kaguya.livejournal.com]

People wonder why I'd rather just rent the DVD and sit at home and watch it. Beautifully done, though :D

You forgot one major part though :x No one wants to hear your shitty comments during the movie. An example? I went to see Matrix: Reloaded in theaters and as soon as they showed Neo's ass, someone in the theater proclaimed the movie was just for fags. Doesn't matter they showed Trinity's as well, nope, because it showed a guy's behind, it was immedialty a movie just for fags.

Stupidity annoys me greatly.

[useless-espers.livejournal.com]

Peeking in from metaquotes.

2. You know, it's one thing to bring a little kid to see Finding Nemo or Monsters Inc., but don't expect me not to, at the very least, give you a dirty look and tell my companion you're an asshat if you're enough of a schmuck to bring a six-year-old to House of 1000 Corpses. Not only are you warping their little minds with gory violence, you're teaching him to have shitty taste in movies.

THANK YOU! I used to work in a movie theater and I couldn't believe how many asshole parents would bring their small children into movies like FEAR DOT COM. When they asked what movies are playing (because they obviously can't read the huge sign listing all the movies) and I start with G and PG movies, they get mad at me because "OMGWTF?! I ain't paying no money for me and my kids to see a KIDS MOVIE!!1!" Makes me wish that people needed to get a license before having any children.

[avrelia.livejournal.com]

I loved this list. It should be taught at school - will bring more benefits to society than whatever. I would include though my own pet peeve: the smacking sounds that successfully surpress the sounds of the movie. Now, I understand that eating popcorn and etc. at movies is a sacred tradition, and, quite possibly, a pillar of democracy - but must it be that loud?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

And while they're at it, when they do that bit before the movie about turning off cell phones, it'd be nice if they added, "And if you bought a crinkly bag of candy, now would be the time to open it. Not during the climactic scene over a key piece of dialogue."

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

I just want to copy this, format it as a broadside flyer, and hand it out to people standing in lines for movies. Hell, they should give it out at the theatres when they give people their tickets.