apocalypsos | I finished most of this on Thursday, just to explain the weekday references ...

In anticipation of the release of Spider-Man 2, I bring you the spoiler-laden review of Spider-Man. Took me long enough. ;)

Spider-Man: A Review in Q&A Form

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Uh ... hey. Magic Voice? You awake, dude?

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C'mon, man ...

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Okay, I think I officially broke Magic Voice.

*pokes Magic Voice with a sharp stick*

zzzzzzzz-- *squeaksputtercough*

The unicorns want to me to play leapfrog!

Ha! I knew watching Prisoner of Azkaban gave you nightmares.

Did not.

Did, too.

Did, not!

Did, too!

No, it didn't! Legend was on cable the other night!

...

I stand corrected.

Whatever, man. Wake me up on Saturday.

Not so fast, Colonel Disembodied. We've got a movie to review.

But ... but ... it's a weekday! There are no new movies out!

I know. Today, we review Spider-Man.

Why?

Well, I'd like to say it was because the sequel is coming out soon or because I just feel like reviewing a movie to kill some time during a long bus ride, but I think I'm going to have to go with bribe attempts and blubbery.

But I've already seen this movie! How can you expect me to ask questions about a movie I've already seen?

Like this. *whacks Magic Voice upside the head with a boat oar*

Hey! Why you'd go and do a stupid thing like that?

Did you forget seeing the movie yet?

No!

*whack*

Ow! How can you even do that if I don't have a body?

Hey, who's writing the review here? I am.

All right, all right, I've forgotten the movie. Oh, woe is me, let us all pay homage to these brave brain cells that died in the line of duty --

Shut up and ask the questions, Sarcasm Lad.

Right, then.

So, Spider-Man. Let me guess ... he's a poor Jewish boy with an unfortunate last name and a penchant for extraneous hyphens.

I hate you.

Spider-Man is the story of a dork with a dream. A dream to ... er ... dangle upside down from ceilings and wear an uncomfortably tight costume and someday suffer through more masturbation metaphors than any person ever born.

Masturbation? Where the hell are you getting that from?

Well, first off, there's that milky substance he's oozing that ejects from his body at embarrassing moments. And of course, there's the hot girl whose bedroom window is, like, two inches away from his throughout his teen years.

Really? Go, dork-boy.

Uh, did I mention they're really close? I mean, if Mary Jane ever needed help with her hair or her makeup or maybe a self-breast exam, Peter's the man for the job.

Uh, Peter?

Yup.

That's not really helping the masturbation allusions, you know.

Oh, Lord, do I.

Well, what happens to the poor, dorky schmuck to give him superpowers?

He gets bitten by a genetically-engineered spider and ends up with a whole bunch of spideresque powers like ejecting webbing from his wrists --

But don't spiders spew webbing from their butts?

Well, yeah.

And Spider-Man doesn't because ...

Uh, probably because that would be gross.

What else can he do?

He's got super-strength, and wicked fast agility, and zero body fat, and precognition.

Since when are spiders precognitive?

Hell if I know. You'd think if they could see the future, they'd be a hell of a lot more difficult to squish.

Yeah, really.

So, who are the strange and unknown characters in this movie of which I've obviously never heard of or seen before? You know, because of the coma. And ... um ... the amnesia.

We seriously need to get you acting lessons.

Peter Parker ... The aforementioned dork who gets superpowers and looks good in tights. Spends time fawning all over the sexy redhead next door in spite of the debilitating propose-to-me-or-we-don't-date disease she share with J.Lo.

Mary Jane Watson ... Peter's Uber-Crush. Wants to be an actress, but can't seem to understand simple concepts like "Beginning Actors Have Day Jobs, Too," "Soap Operas Actually Hire Real Actors," and "Wearing High-Heeled Slingback Sandals Is A Bad Idea For An Eight-Hour Waitressing Shift."

Norman Osbourne ... Played by Willem Dafoe and therefore guaranteed to be four times as nutty as he's supposed to be. Is also a multimillionaire, as is shown by his palatial New York City mansion, and father of Harry, as is shown by their identical abilities to brood at anti-social levels.

Harry Osbourne ... Is rich and gorgeous and dating Mary Jane, so is depressed and snippy, and who can blame him? If you can't figure out the actor playing him once portrayed James Dean, I fear for your gene pool.

J. Jonah Jamison ... Peter's boss at the Daily Bugle. Loud, obnoxious, and level-headed in a weirdly literal sense. Only known to show any sense of integrity when being throttled by an armored maniac on a rocket-powered glider.

Aunt May ... Peter's lovably ancient aunt. Manages to wear a saucy black kimono while piling on the loving platitudes. Otherwise, has questionable fashion sense, as she apparently owns an entire wardrobe made of fabric she culled from love seats, old wallpaper, and Care Bears who just weren't quick enough. Married to the rice guy.

Uncle Ben ... Even his fluffy, delicious rice couldn't save him from being gunned down by a carjacker. But hey, at least he died knowing he was Cliff Robertson.

So how insane was Norman Osbourne?

Seeing as how he was portrayed by Willem Dafoe, I'll assume that was sarcasm.

Damn, you're good.

I try.

Please tell me somebody else notices his insanity.

Well, Peter does tend to look at Mr. Osbourne occasionally as if he wants to say, "That doesn't make any more sense just because you're Willem Dafoe, sir."

Does Mary Jane even own a bra?

Are you kidding? I doubt she knows how to spell "bra."

Okay, so when Mr. Osbourne had to leave Thanksgiving dinner, and he told Aunt May to enjoy the fruitcake, how hard did you have to keep from waving and yelling, "Goodbye, fruitcake!"

You know, you're supposed to be pretending like you didn't watch this movie.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Okay, so when the Green Goblin blew up the testing grounds, and then they cut to graduation, did you think they blew up the senior class, or was it just me?

Uh, no, I thought so, too.

And also, don't make me hit you with the boat oar again.

Screw it, I give up. I know you gave Mary Jane's buddies in the upside-down kiss scene some stupid name. Let's hear it.

Oh, you mean the Dampened Diamondpoint Fake Nipples of Dooooooom?

Yup, those are them, all right. Were you as amazed as I was that she didn't poke out Peter's eyes with those?

See, that's the disadvantage of kissing a woman upside-down in the rain. The odds of getting your eyes impaled on stimulated nipples increases by a thousand.

So what did you learn from this movie?

That science is bad and causes evil scientists. Unless, of course, you offset your scientific knowledge with something less geeky. Like, say, costume design and far too much knowhow of the male musculature.