As usual, spoilers galore ...

[apocalypsos]

Spider-Man 2: A Review in Q&A Form

So, Spider-Man 2, huh?

Yes, to answer those burning questions you had after watching the first Spider-Man.

You mean, like, has Mary Jane discovered the joys of support undergarments?

Exactly. That would be a "No," by the way. And just to emphasize the point, she leans towards clothing that lets her breasts roam free in noticably bouncy ways.

Why won't she invest in bras?

I can only assume she keeps her knockers on a leash to prevent them from getting lost and occasionally reels them in to whap them at superpowered psychos who kidnap her.

Don't you feel the least bit hypocritical about bitching over Mary Jane's lack of bra know-how when you wore a lacy tank top to the theater with which there was no way you could have comfortably worn a bra?

Well, maybe a little bit. Then again, my breasts aren't the size of a compact car on two thousand movies screens this weekend. Not to mention how I don't get flung around all that much by evil masterminds.

Ah. I suppose you'll want to bitch about the trailers before we go on.

Why would I want to do that?

Because you're awake?

Yeah, good point. Well, did you know Catwoman has a shiny new trailer? And just when you thought it was totally useless, it turns out you can use the Catwoman trailer to induce vomiting and test gag reflexes.

Aw, you're always making fun of Catwoman. How about something new?

Okay, what about National Security? Apparently, Nicholas Cage has to steal the Declaration of Independence. Where's the thrill in that? It's not like anybody's using it these days.

Oh, enough about the trailers. What about the movie?

You know, if it had been two hours of Peter hanging out with Otto Octavius and his wife and Spider-Man and Doc Ock beating the crap out of one another, it would have the best movie of all time, with Oscars and accolades and quite possibly a 24-hour marathon on Halloween on TBS.

So, what's the difference between this movie and the first movie?

Hey, some things never change. Peter's still a lovable dork, Mary Jane's still kind of a skank, and Harry's pouty lips are still alternately aggravated with the world and cockily gracing the pretty face of James Franco.

Wait, Mary Jane's the one in the Spider-Man costume, right?

*sigh* You try my patience, you know that?

Peter Parker ... The man behind the mask of Spider-Man, when he's not ripping it off for villains or having it ripped off by nutty friends or taking it off in front of a crowded elevated train. (So, you know, for about seven seconds movie-time.) And hey, he's just like me, because nothing really good ever happens to him. We should so hook up. We could walk down the street hand in hand dodging anvils and airplane engines and toilet seats from the space station and other objects plummeting in from other fandoms.

Mary Jane Watson ... The object of Peter's desire. Is also an actress working in "The Importance of Being Earnest," which is absolutely not an anvil flung at the audience by the screenwriter. Except, you know, that it totally is. Is still kinda scrawny, but her free-hanging chest gives rise to rumors that she may possibly be stealing the sandwiches of Peter's landlord's daughter. This is just mean, because that poor girl could really use those.

Harry Osborne ... Peter's best friend and the owner of a brand spanking new Obsessive Loony Kit, which comes complete with Very Important Newspaper Clippings, The Boozy Brood of Death, and a specially sharpened Inigo Montoya Pointy Vengeance Thingy.

Doctor Otto Octavius ... Harry's prize scientist-type guy who goes a little off his nut and starts attacking New York City. Is far too much of a woobie to be a psychotic fruitcake, and far too hot for a middle-aged paunchy guy with manboobs.

J.J. Jamison ... Peter's boss at the Daily Bugle. Still yelling where he left off from the last movie. Is far more fun in two-minute increments than you will ever be.

Aunt May ... Peter's elderly aunt. Has to move out of her house after the bank forecloses, which seems kind of rude after she goes there to look for help and a supervillain drops her from twenty stories up. Believes that all angst can be firmly smothered with enough speechified platitudes to suffocate a kindergarten class.

The Cutest Little Arson Victim On The Planet ... What? She doesn't have any lines, but the incredible adorability killed two people in my theater. She's a menace, I tell you! A tiny, terrified menace!

Let's ramble incoherently like always. So, when Mary Jane picked up a piece of metal to whack Doc Ock with, you thought "Try wearing a corset" and burst out laughing when you weren't supposed to, right?

Ah, you know me so well.

Why do people always stand in the street looking straight up when there's a destructive battle happening directly over their heads?

I don't know. 'Cause chicks dig scars, I guess.

That's a stupid reason.

Well, I don't know. Maybe people in New York City get off when comic-book villains drop decorative concrete overhangs on their heads.

How many people did Doc Ock grab to use as hostages?

Lots. Apparently, using innocent people as a buffer zone against police is the new black.

Please tell me you didn't get a funny feeling in your tummy when Doc Ock said, "Butterfingers."

*whistles innocently*

Okay, fine. I'll bet the repressed sexual tension between Peter and Harry meant they argued, huh?

But, of course. Leading me to think on more than occasion, "You know, if this were a fanfic, they'd be kissing right now."

Also, if you put their first names together, it's Phallic-Symbol-A-Go-Go. That doesn't help.

When Doc Ock was doing his presentation to the reporters, and he mentioned nano-something, did you splorfle and think, "Holy fuck, if only Jake Foley were here to help!

Yes, because I miss my dead nanite-injected show.

So, how 'bout them tentacles?

It's like I've always said ... all sentient machines want to destroy the human race. But nobody listens to me, and now I, Robot is almost in the theaters and Nicole Kidman continues to make films.

Aren't you glad Sam Raimi decided to make tentacle porn almost canon?

Hell, yes. Somewhere between this and the homoerotic subtext between Spider-Man and any male character who stands still long enough, I'm amazed there isn't more Spider-Man Movieverse porn out there.

Well, what about the chemistry between Mary Jane and Peter?

I'm sorry, but the only way there will ever be chemistry between Peter and Mary Jane in the movies is if they fall asleep on Peter's homework.

Surely you can't be serious! MJ and Peter are meant to be!

Wait, you forgot to finish your sentence. Let me help. MJ and Peter are meant to be far, far away from one another, where he can fall in love with Harry, Doc Ock, the landlord's daughter, Dr. Conners, or The Cutest Little Arson Victim On the Planet, and she can go on doing horrible things to men.

She's not all that mean to guys.

Oh, please. Just because you can get any guy you want, doesn't mean you should.

Wait, I heard she has a fiance in this movie.

Yes, and he's an astronaut. You can tell because they announce he's an astronaut, he wears a NASA T-shirt, his only substantive line of dialogue is about the moon, and he has "I AM AN ASTRONAUT" tattooed on his forehead.

So, do they get married?

Well, of course not. In the end, she leaves him at the altar. Literally. The only way it could have been any meaner is if she'd shown up for the ceremony, said "I do," then whacked him on the arm, yelled "April Fool's!" and did a happy dance before making a run for it.

She really can't be all that much of a skank.

I'm sorry, you must have missed the part where she left her fiance for his father's employee. That'll help Peter's job prospects.

Huh. No chemistry at all?

Uh, not really. I mean, maybe a little, because Peter's absolutely adorable when he's in love, but Tobey was giving off more sparks with Leonardo DiCaprio and he wasn't even in the damn movie.

So, did you like it?

Yeah, loved it. Probably going again tomorrow. The good thing, though, is that now I know that I'm not just imagining Mary Jane's simpering expression in both movies and can go online tonight to figure out what friggin' narcoleptic disorder she's got that gives her that sleepy-eyed look all the bloody time.

You know, I get the impression you don't like Mary Jane.

Oh, bite me.

Comments

[unscriptedwords.livejournal.com]

"Butterfingers" was the best damn line in the whole movie...

[backfromspace.livejournal.com]

Also, if you put their first names together, it's Phallic-Symbol-A-Go-Go. That doesn't help.

I actually sat here for a while thinking about this. "Perry?" "Hater?"

[opportunemoment.livejournal.com]

... oh god. Tentacle porn. *stifles insane giggles*
Classic, as always, and you know I'm going to have a hard time not laughing at Mary Jane's tits/simper in every scene she's in now. Damn you!

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

Harry Peter.

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

You said PETER!

[octopedingenue]

Take it as a measure of my adoration for you that I can rise above my ten years of rabid-MJ-fangirlhood and Peter/MJ-OTPness to GIGGLE HYSTERICALLY. >:D

It's just wrong for Doctor Octopus to be this adorable and hot. From Really-Unfortunate-Haircut Man to THIS? NOOOOOOO! *hides from lustbunnies*

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Hee ... thanks. I love MJ, but I can't stand her in the movies. I'm not all that enamored of Aunt May, either, and am firmly of the camp that says the only women the screenwriter's interacted with require a bicycle pump to inflate.

[octopedingenue]

Adore Mary Jane in all her incarnations, but it's all good unless you, like, poke me with a stick and say "Gyaaargh! The suckitude of movie!MJ!" or something. (You can still just poke me with the stick if you want, though. Makes a good back-scratcher.) I bet X-Men-movie-OMG-they-broke-the-CANON sticklers would give me funny looks, because I am really not that hard to please (Spidey2!best!movie!EVER! sonotkidding!!!).

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I've found that liking Kirsten Dunst helps me like movie!MJ. Not to mention that whenever Peter looks at her, it's just ... just ... awwwwwww! (Particularly during the end bit with the missing mask and the falling wall and the Gigantic Spider Web of True Love. Pete's such a woobie when he's pining. ;))

I did love the movie to pieces, for the most part. And if you want to talk about "easy to please," you should watch me during a marathon of the X-Men movies. I squeal like a five-year-old every damn time I watch like it's the first time. I only turn vicious when Halle Berry's on screen, but really, who can blame me?

[genepool23.livejournal.com]

So, you think trollprincess is a genius?

Yes, Yes I do.

< But you also think that you are the king of Newfoundland?

I don't see what my heritage has to do with this...

[myniamh.livejournal.com]

she leaves him at the altar. Literally
The Graduate.
Raindrops keep falling on my head - BC+TSK. The wallopin great spiderweb - can't remember the name of the movie but it was black and white and ooold.

There must have been a tonne of movie references.

[adjectivegirl.livejournal.com]

what friggin' narcoleptic disorder she's got that gives her that sleepy-eyed look all the bloody time

I would venture that MJ's not just her initials but her way of life. All I'm sayin'.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The funniest thing about the "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" bit was that right before that song, they had a really pretty instrumental part, and I scribbled in my notes, "I really have to get this soundtrack."

Which, when they switched to the next scene, immediately trailed off into, "... except for this song."

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Yes, and "This wall is really heavy" runs a close second. :)

[myniamh.livejournal.com]

It was weird! I kept thinking they had started another film XD I did love it though.

[a-hollow-year.livejournal.com]

Is far too much of a woobie to be a psychotic fruitcake, and far too hot for a middle-aged paunchy guy with manboobs.

Jesus Christ, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.

butterfingers!

[liviapenn.livejournal.com]

*bee hee hee hee hee* You have summed up my Peter/MJ thoughts EXACTLY. Really, I bet when the DVD comes out they *will* show the Original Version of the Wedding Scene where MJ does come out, whack Astroboy on the arm and yell "April Fool! And you have a TINY PENIS!" before running gleefully across the city into Peter's arms.

I swear, everyone around me was going "awwww." and I was going "Look at her dragging that beautiful dress through the park! Who paid for that dress? I bet it was not the *Watsons!*"

I'm amazed there isn't more Spider-Man Movieverse porn out there.

I am running a Spider-Man movieverse PWP challenge type thingie in my journal right now. Basically it works like this: People sign up to write Spideyporn! And then I am forever grateful. And there is Spideyporn, and it is good. :)

*wanders in*

[metron-ariston.livejournal.com]

Best review EVAR!

*wanders out*

[noblerot.livejournal.com]

I've loved Alfred Molina ever since Prick Up Your Ears. Always thought Doc Oc was sexy, too.

Must see this movie. Now.

[tinylegacies.livejournal.com]

But, of course. Leading me to think on more than occasion, "You know, if this were a fanfic, they'd be kissing right now."

I had a very similar thought when I was watching the two of them on screen together... particularly in the "unmasking" scene...

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The bit that gets me is when Harry slapped Peter at the party. What man slaps another man unless they're in love and he's been betrayed?

Or, you know, he's smacking the other guy with a leather glove and they're about to duel.

[ketaki.livejournal.com]

And you have just given me a reason to go watch this movie.

TENTACLE PORN!!

Also, hey there! I've lj-hopped from resmiranda's journal and friended you - we're not entirely estranged from each other...no no!

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

Your review is so full of trueness. *nods solemnly*

MJ was not only constantly sleepy, but also constantly annoying. And she should have married that astronaut guy. The scene of her running in the wedding dress was horrid. And what was that with the landlord's daughter? Nothing. Useless.

I mostly liked the movie- the fight scenes were excellent. But the unmasking in the subway? "We won't tell nobody?" Puh-lease. And I can't believe they hired a 2-time Tony winner to act for 3 poorly-written minutes. 1 of which involved screaming and getting a lot of glass embedded everywhere below her neck. 'Cause she had to look pretty on the stretcher, of course.

And if I'm irrational it's the jet-lag talking. :)

-blue

[randomblade.livejournal.com]

you crack me up. I agree aboout the skankity of leaving anyone on the altar. Not on.

You go that far, you have an obligation not to embarrass the hell out of two hundred people by breaking someone's heart with an ice-pick covered in acid right in front of their eyes.

And he seemed like such a nice personality-free astronaut stereotype as well. Didn't even have any secret abusive and/or ho tendencies hidden away.

[glitterdemon.livejournal.com]

oh, god, your icon. sowrong! ::giggles madly::

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

Hey, I said the same exact thing to my friend. If J.J. pays enough (and he would for this, instead of just the costume) someone on that train car's gonna squeal. And what about the other people in the other train car who could be looking through the glass between the two sets of doors?

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

That is, until he gets into his comic book-ness and decides to go all Man-Wolf on MJ.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

You could just say she lives up to her namesake, couldn't you?

[ketaki.livejournal.com]

LOL!