apocalypsos | As usual, spoilers galore ...

Spider-Man 2: A Review in Q&A Form

So, Spider-Man 2, huh?

Yes, to answer those burning questions you had after watching the first Spider-Man.

You mean, like, has Mary Jane discovered the joys of support undergarments?

Exactly. That would be a "No," by the way. And just to emphasize the point, she leans towards clothing that lets her breasts roam free in noticably bouncy ways.

Why won't she invest in bras?

I can only assume she keeps her knockers on a leash to prevent them from getting lost and occasionally reels them in to whap them at superpowered psychos who kidnap her.

Don't you feel the least bit hypocritical about bitching over Mary Jane's lack of bra know-how when you wore a lacy tank top to the theater with which there was no way you could have comfortably worn a bra?

Well, maybe a little bit. Then again, my breasts aren't the size of a compact car on two thousand movies screens this weekend. Not to mention how I don't get flung around all that much by evil masterminds.

Ah. I suppose you'll want to bitch about the trailers before we go on.

Why would I want to do that?

Because you're awake?

Yeah, good point. Well, did you know Catwoman has a shiny new trailer? And just when you thought it was totally useless, it turns out you can use the Catwoman trailer to induce vomiting and test gag reflexes.

Aw, you're always making fun of Catwoman. How about something new?

Okay, what about National Security? Apparently, Nicholas Cage has to steal the Declaration of Independence. Where's the thrill in that? It's not like anybody's using it these days.

Oh, enough about the trailers. What about the movie?

You know, if it had been two hours of Peter hanging out with Otto Octavius and his wife and Spider-Man and Doc Ock beating the crap out of one another, it would have the best movie of all time, with Oscars and accolades and quite possibly a 24-hour marathon on Halloween on TBS.

So, what's the difference between this movie and the first movie?

Hey, some things never change. Peter's still a lovable dork, Mary Jane's still kind of a skank, and Harry's pouty lips are still alternately aggravated with the world and cockily gracing the pretty face of James Franco.

Wait, Mary Jane's the one in the Spider-Man costume, right?

*sigh* You try my patience, you know that?

Peter Parker ... The man behind the mask of Spider-Man, when he's not ripping it off for villains or having it ripped off by nutty friends or taking it off in front of a crowded elevated train. (So, you know, for about seven seconds movie-time.) And hey, he's just like me, because nothing really good ever happens to him. We should so hook up. We could walk down the street hand in hand dodging anvils and airplane engines and toilet seats from the space station and other objects plummeting in from other fandoms.

Mary Jane Watson ... The object of Peter's desire. Is also an actress working in "The Importance of Being Earnest," which is absolutely not an anvil flung at the audience by the screenwriter. Except, you know, that it totally is. Is still kinda scrawny, but her free-hanging chest gives rise to rumors that she may possibly be stealing the sandwiches of Peter's landlord's daughter. This is just mean, because that poor girl could really use those.

Harry Osborne ... Peter's best friend and the owner of a brand spanking new Obsessive Loony Kit, which comes complete with Very Important Newspaper Clippings, The Boozy Brood of Death, and a specially sharpened Inigo Montoya Pointy Vengeance Thingy.

Doctor Otto Octavius ... Harry's prize scientist-type guy who goes a little off his nut and starts attacking New York City. Is far too much of a woobie to be a psychotic fruitcake, and far too hot for a middle-aged paunchy guy with manboobs.

J.J. Jamison ... Peter's boss at the Daily Bugle. Still yelling where he left off from the last movie. Is far more fun in two-minute increments than you will ever be.

Aunt May ... Peter's elderly aunt. Has to move out of her house after the bank forecloses, which seems kind of rude after she goes there to look for help and a supervillain drops her from twenty stories up. Believes that all angst can be firmly smothered with enough speechified platitudes to suffocate a kindergarten class.

The Cutest Little Arson Victim On The Planet ... What? She doesn't have any lines, but the incredible adorability killed two people in my theater. She's a menace, I tell you! A tiny, terrified menace!

Let's ramble incoherently like always. So, when Mary Jane picked up a piece of metal to whack Doc Ock with, you thought "Try wearing a corset" and burst out laughing when you weren't supposed to, right?

Ah, you know me so well.

Why do people always stand in the street looking straight up when there's a destructive battle happening directly over their heads?

I don't know. 'Cause chicks dig scars, I guess.

That's a stupid reason.

Well, I don't know. Maybe people in New York City get off when comic-book villains drop decorative concrete overhangs on their heads.

How many people did Doc Ock grab to use as hostages?

Lots. Apparently, using innocent people as a buffer zone against police is the new black.

Please tell me you didn't get a funny feeling in your tummy when Doc Ock said, "Butterfingers."

*whistles innocently*

Okay, fine. I'll bet the repressed sexual tension between Peter and Harry meant they argued, huh?

But, of course. Leading me to think on more than occasion, "You know, if this were a fanfic, they'd be kissing right now."

Also, if you put their first names together, it's Phallic-Symbol-A-Go-Go. That doesn't help.

When Doc Ock was doing his presentation to the reporters, and he mentioned nano-something, did you splorfle and think, "Holy fuck, if only Jake Foley were here to help!

Yes, because I miss my dead nanite-injected show.

So, how 'bout them tentacles?

It's like I've always said ... all sentient machines want to destroy the human race. But nobody listens to me, and now I, Robot is almost in the theaters and Nicole Kidman continues to make films.

Aren't you glad Sam Raimi decided to make tentacle porn almost canon?

Hell, yes. Somewhere between this and the homoerotic subtext between Spider-Man and any male character who stands still long enough, I'm amazed there isn't more Spider-Man Movieverse porn out there.

Well, what about the chemistry between Mary Jane and Peter?

I'm sorry, but the only way there will ever be chemistry between Peter and Mary Jane in the movies is if they fall asleep on Peter's homework.

Surely you can't be serious! MJ and Peter are meant to be!

Wait, you forgot to finish your sentence. Let me help. MJ and Peter are meant to be far, far away from one another, where he can fall in love with Harry, Doc Ock, the landlord's daughter, Dr. Conners, or The Cutest Little Arson Victim On the Planet, and she can go on doing horrible things to men.

She's not all that mean to guys.

Oh, please. Just because you can get any guy you want, doesn't mean you should.

Wait, I heard she has a fiance in this movie.

Yes, and he's an astronaut. You can tell because they announce he's an astronaut, he wears a NASA T-shirt, his only substantive line of dialogue is about the moon, and he has "I AM AN ASTRONAUT" tattooed on his forehead.

So, do they get married?

Well, of course not. In the end, she leaves him at the altar. Literally. The only way it could have been any meaner is if she'd shown up for the ceremony, said "I do," then whacked him on the arm, yelled "April Fool's!" and did a happy dance before making a run for it.

She really can't be all that much of a skank.

I'm sorry, you must have missed the part where she left her fiance for his father's employee. That'll help Peter's job prospects.

Huh. No chemistry at all?

Uh, not really. I mean, maybe a little, because Peter's absolutely adorable when he's in love, but Tobey was giving off more sparks with Leonardo DiCaprio and he wasn't even in the damn movie.

So, did you like it?

Yeah, loved it. Probably going again tomorrow. The good thing, though, is that now I know that I'm not just imagining Mary Jane's simpering expression in both movies and can go online tonight to figure out what friggin' narcoleptic disorder she's got that gives her that sleepy-eyed look all the bloody time.

You know, I get the impression you don't like Mary Jane.

Oh, bite me.