(no subject)
Jul. 9th, 2004 09:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosI refuse to watch Armageddon. I'm not going to give Bruckheimer the satisfaction, damn you!
That's funny, that's the same thing the DVD said before it committed suicide.
The DVD died? Seriously?
Yup, right at the part where everybody gets one night out on the town before the takeoff. I'm pretty sure I heard a very small voice scream, "That's it! I give up! I can't take this anymore!" Aaaaaaand then it killed itself. Most likely with a very, very flat bullet to the brain.
Did it come back to life?
Eventually, after Ben and his belligerent back-up band sang the world's crappiest rendition of "Leaving on a Jet Plane" to Liv Tyler. Who, considering she's the daughter of a singer and the wife of a singer, must have used the memory of that scene to make herself cry in later movies.
So is there any good reason for watching it on DVD?
Oh, sure. The great thing about watching "Armageddon" on DVD is that you can set the slow-motion scenes on fast forward so that they're at the speed of real film scenes. Of course, then the movie is only thirty-seven minutes long, but is that really a bad thing?
Sum up the plot for me really quick, would you?
An asteroid the size of Texas is going to strike the planet and kill everybody, especially Liv Tyler, in 18 days. And they have to send a band of deep-core drillers up to destroy the asteroid, because letting it hit and having themselves a nice, enjoyable apocalypse is beyond their range of imagination. Damn it.
Huh. That's, uh ...
Unbelievable? Yeah, apparently the screenwriters discovered where the line was between believability and bullshit, then dressed up in their waders and gleefully danced into BS-territory to the tune of "We Will All Go Together When We Go".
Ah. Well, enlighten me on the schmucks who will be entertaining me during this delightful film.
Uh, crack kills. I'm just sayin'.
Harry Stamper ... The best deep-core driller on the planet, regardless of what Ron Jeremy might say. Does an impressive job of standing upright considering his head's carved out of granite. Cannot possibly be all that smart, as his idea of a team to save the planet has Ben Affleck and Owen Wilson on it.
AJ Frost ... Harry's best employee and Grace's lunkheaded fiance. Has the mutant ability to start his own drilling company in what can't possibly be longer than a day and a half. Deduct five IQ points from him for every time you realize he's really, really pretty but also dumb as a post, and he'll owe you intelligence by the end of the movie.
Grace Stamper ... Harry's eternally fate-screwed daughter. Apparently gets off on cute guys stuffing zoologically-themed cookies down her underpants. Mostly just stands around getting told bad news and pouting enough to make you wonder if maybe Harry had a strange affair with Steven Tyler and just never got around to telling her. Look in the background of any scene, and she's probably there, like a more annoying Waldo.
Dan Truman ... The head NASA guy, in a weird parallel universe where a guy who looks like Billy Bob Thornton can be serious, smart, sober, and sane. Has no idea his very favorite scientist is really Lucius Malfoy, but will find out soon enough when he discovers Keith David in an military uniform Avada Kedavra-ed in the trunk of his car.
Rockhound ... Highly intelligent and horny member of Harry's team. Does exceptionally well with women, and I say this even though Steve Buscemi is on my "Ugliest Famous Guy I'd Do" list right next to William H. Macy. Develops "space dementia" on the asteroid, which leads one to wonder if there are space forms of every disease, which then leads to a space-hemorrhoid-being-an-asteroid joke that I just won't be making.
Chick Chapple ... Gambling-loving member of Harry's team. Has an adorable little sprog he's not allowed to see with April O'Neill, which explains why he's not supposed to be around the kid, because I imagine Leonardo, Splinter, and Casey Jones would make much better role models. Okay, so maybe not Casey Jones.
Colonel Sharp ... Upstanding by-the-book astronaut guy. Thinks Harry and his team are losers, which shows he might be the only intelligent character in this movie. Has a handgun locked away in a safe for emergencies, which seems a little silly considering the other ship apparently has a Gatling gun or something kind of like it just lying around.
Bear ... Incredibly large and cuddly member of Harry's team. One of only two really significant black characters in this crapfest, which I'm pretty sure that means the African-American community gets ... I don't know, a pony or something.
Oscar Choi ... Airheaded blond member of Harry's team. Brought along because somebody who was actually going on the shuttle had to have nice hair and be a real cowboy.
Lev Andropov ... Snarky Soviet cosmonaut "rescued" off the space station. Played by Peter Stormare, which meant every once in a while when Rockhound was getting really annoying, I kept wishing they'd slip into their "Fargo" characters and Lev would stuff him into the nearest woodchipper.
Seat Filler ... Real name: Freddy Noonan. You might know him as the dark-haired member of Harry's team who gets no background, no snarky dialogue, and no unwanted-by-Grace input on what's good for Grace, and then goes and dies just 'cause he filled his purpose of applying butt to spaceship seat.
Okay, onto the rambling. You grew up in the boondocks. How many small children casually wear overalls and no shirt?
Uh, yeah, that's not a high percentage. Well, outside of Norman Rockwell paintings.
Were you amused when the Americans were the only ones with enough know-how and gumption to save the planet?
Well, if the rest of the planet would stop being so stupid, we'd stop having to save your collective ass.
Are you being sarcastic?
Amazingly so.
Are there people in America who could say that with a straight face?
Unfortunately. Don't worry, the rest of us plan to smite them after the November elections. (And quite frankly, in the November elections.)
Don't you think it was a little hypocritical of Harry to bitch at AJ for nearly getting someone killed on the rig when ten minutes earlier, he was chasing the guy with a shotgun?
Of course not, because Harry is always right and AJ is a moron.
So when Grace yelled, "This is not funny!" at Harry while he was shooting at AJ, did you yell, "Oh, yes, it is!" and tell Harry to aim for the groin?
Let me put it this way. If I had been there, AJ would have been less idiotic and more full of holes.
So which one was Chewie, Oscar or AJ?
I would pick Oscar, because of the awesome hair. Then again, I would also pick Oscar to be Han, because of the snarky smile. If I were giving AJ a "Star Wars" equivalent, it'd probably be Jar Jar. Or maybe Princess Leia, because picturing Ben Affleck in that gold bikini? Fuckin' hilaaaaaaious.
When Military Man!Keith David said to Truman, "I'm the best at what I do," and Truman said, "So am I" --
Yes, I added, "And so is Wolverine!" 'Cause I'm a dork like that.
When AJ said he was afraid of flying, did you feel like pointing out that if he were really that afraid, he wouldn't do "Pearl Harbor"?
Ah, you know me so well.
What the hell was up with that animal-cracker foreplay?
Beats me. I imagine most normal heterosexual guys, when presented with Liv Tyler and a box of animal crackers, would skip the part with the dancing elephant cookies and just have sex with her already.
What did you think of Rockhound throwing up on the spaceship?
Honestly? I think Steve Buscemi's puke is probably cooler than some people I know.
You don't really mean that, do you?
Oh, of course not. *shifty eyes*
What the hell was wrong with the cameras?
Damned if I know. I seriously don't think Bruckheimer & Co. can film a straight-on camera angle. Maybe their guy who takes care of that stuff should go see an eye doctor or something.
How many American flags were there in this movie, anyway?
All of them, I think. Have you checked your yard yet? Because they might have taken yours.
So, what's the verdict on this wonderful, entertaining --
NO. Just ... just NO.
Well, at the very least, lots of people die, right? 'Cause that's always fun.
Not in the first sequence in New York, it isn't. No one should watch shit like that and think, "Those special effects guys were amazing. That's exactly what it looked like."
And then later on, Paris got hit. Oh, and Shanghai got surprised, but really, who couldn't see that coming?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:40 am (UTC)*has trouble thinking of more*
Love the review, though. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 07:16 am (UTC)Like, large objects falling from the sky will flatten things. And maybe, bombs large enough to destroy an asteroid will most likely kill anyone on the asteroid.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:42 am (UTC)Oscar Choi ... Airheaded blond member of Harry's team. Brought along because somebody who was actually going on the shuttle had to have nice hair and be a real cowboy.
Bear was my favorite person in this movie. I just wanted to ...um, cuddle him. :)
And it was this movie that I *noticed* Owen Wilson and thought 'hum, I LIKE this one.'
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 04:36 pm (UTC)I was like, 12 and going "Hey. He's a bit of alright."
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 06:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 07:17 am (UTC)Sadly
Date: 2004-07-09 07:21 am (UTC)Re: Sadly
Date: 2004-07-09 08:35 am (UTC)Re: Sadly
Date: 2004-07-09 08:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:44 am (UTC)*sporfle!*
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 08:59 am (UTC)YAY! *applauds madly*
-- my instinctive outburst every time I stumble across it
"But...but...what about the cookie sex?"
-- my first reaction to hearing that Liv had been cast as Arwen
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 09:23 am (UTC)Terrible, terrible movie. I still thought Luc--err, Jason Isaacs was awesome as the arrogant, elitist scientist.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 10:00 am (UTC)YOU ARE THE GREATEST PHARAOH PLAYER EVER.
(Incidentally: whenever I hear the word "armageddon," all I can think of is the creatures in Lemmings screaming it when you hit the self-destruct button.)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 04:19 pm (UTC)*whispers* Christopher Walken, my secret shame....
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 04:37 pm (UTC)FUCK YEAH!
Um. That's all I had to say.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-09 05:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-05 04:42 am (UTC)