(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

Catwoman: A Review in Q&A Form

Hey! What are you watching Sealab 2021 for?

Go away. I'm trying to scrub Catwoman from my brain.

But ... but if you get rid of the brain cells that remember that movie, however will we write the review?

Uh, how about we make some stuff up? I mean, I personally like the Catwoman movie in my head, which still features Halle Berry but much like The Passion of the Christ is a two-hour snuff film in which Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Eartha Kitt get to beat the crap out of her.

Isn't that uncalled for?

No, that's lenient.

But Halle won an Oscar!

Yes, and Pia Zadora won a Golden Globe. What's your point?

Whatever. How about we get the characters out of the way before we move on to the good stuff?

Ah, the optimism. To assume there's good stuff ahead ... you must be new here.

Patience Phillips ...

Hey, hold the phone. I thought her name was Patience Price.

I don't know. Maybe somebody noticed that in the case of this particular movie, "Patience Price" might be like a cute little nickname for your admission fee. Can I fnish now?

Oh, sure. Go right ahead.

Gee, thanks.

Patience Phillips ... Would-be artist who gets the powers of the mythical catwoman, which seems to mean she randomly leaps onto solitary objects and sleeps on shelves. Has best friends who gave her a ridiculously trampy leather outfit for her birthday, which probably means that a movie about her best friends would have been infinitely more amusing.

Tom Lone ... Patience's sexy crush. Reciprocates that crush, which displays his astounding lack of taste in women. Is a cop, which makes it a moral imperative that every single bloody character has to make a crack about him and his saucy handcuffs.

George Hedare ... Head of the Gigantor Cosmetics Company of Dooooooom. Isn't sleeping with his snotty Sharon Stone-looking wife, and really, who can blame him?

Laurel Hedare ... George's ex-model wife. Played by Sharon Stone, meaning there's no possible way they could ever write a villain evil enough to approach the reality.

Ophelia ...Your official Crazy Cat Lady, not counting the bitchy airhead who throws on a leather outfit and stalks rooftops. Used to be a college professor, though, so the fact that she's so far off her nut she's on the opposite side of the planet in a different dimension is perfectly acceptable.

Sally ... Patience's snarky, flirty best friend who ODs on beauty products and is mostly there to convince the audience that a character played by a darling of the fashion world and one of People's 50 Sexiest People actually has trouble getting guys. Ends up getting her meat hooks into her sexy doctor in a few throwaway lines of dialogue that are more interesting than every scene Patience and Tom share ever, ever, ever.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, what's the plot of this lovely little art film?

Okay, see, Halle Berry dies --

Yay!

Wait, I'm not finished!

I don't care! I'm going to get a keg and schedule a band and call all of my friends!

But she comes back to life, damn it.

You just like to ruin all of my fun on purpose, don't you?

No, that's just an added bonus.

So wait a second. Why does she die, exactly?

I'd like to say it's because the Fashion Police take one look at her Little Old Lady ensemble from the beginning on the film and go Rodney King on her sorry ass, but even better, it's because she overhears the bad guys and their nefarious plan, escapes into the waste management ducts, and gets whooshed down the tubes by what I can only assume is some seriously nasty-ass sewage.

Are you telling me the movie flushed Halle Berry down the toilet?

In a nutshell, yes.

So what nefarious plan did the bad guys have, anyway?

Oh, they were going to kill everyone with beauty products. Isn't that just the most original idea you've ever heard?

Uh, isn't that the plot of the first Batman?

Shut it, you. Don't make it look like the writers might even know the definition of the word "canon," 'cause innocent lives will be painfully extinguished and the world as we know it will be torn asunder and ... er ... God will kick kittens. Uh-huh.

All right, fine. So what happens after the movie flushes her?

Well, then she washes up on a little island so far from shore, I can only assume the Creature from the Black Lagoon gave her a lift. Then she gets surrounded by alley cats --

Well, how the hell did they get on the island? I thought cats hated water!

Oh, they do. These are new and improves CATZ(tm), complete with teleportation devices and laser beams coming out their eyes and Kitty Kung-Fu Grip Action!

Oh, they do not.

Considering Patience's Speshul Sekrit Kat Abilities later seem to include a black belt in karate, I could argue that.

So, then this Egyptian mau shows up and stands on Patience's chest and gives her mystical mouth-to-mouth, which mostly involves breathing Slimer stench into her dead, slack-jawed face.

*clicks on link* Wow, that's the same face I make when I see Halle Berry, too!

Don't we all? I'm still amazed that Ben Bratt managed to hold that look back, particularly in a later scene when the two of them play a porn-o-rific game of one-on-one hoops in front of a bunch of little kids punctuated by the classy, overwhelmingly elegant moment when Patience turns around and wiggles her ass in his face.

Well, maybe she just wanted him to sniff it like when kitties meet one another.

Two words, you. Boat. Oar.

Say, why does Patience's little gay buddy call Tom a man sandwich?

I don't know. Maybe he's an innocent virginal little gay man who's never had anyone explain the concept of a sandwich to him. Poor, poor Lance.

His name is Lance?

Hey, subtlety is no one's friend.

I beg to differ! Subtlety is coming over my house later on for coffee cake and bridge. Irony's bringing the dip, and Deus Ex Machina may just show up suddenly and surprise the hell out of all of us.

I hate you.

Whatever. Tell me what happens to Patience after the kitty gives her the Kiss of Stupid Useless Powers You Didn't Ask For In The First Place.

Well, she starts acting like a cat.

Oh, you mean all slinky and sexy?

No, I mean like rubbing catnip all over her face, balancing on the back of her couch, and bouncing all over the place like a Tigger on crack.

Dude, that's fucked-up right there.

Did I mention the bit where she casually squeezed through the bars of a jail cell? Although that's not so much a feline ability as much as the ability of someone who's spending all of her sandwich money on a city apartment large enough to comfortably house every character that showed up in Contest of Champions.

I thought you said Peter Wingfield was in this!

Oh, yeah, for one scene in which he utilized his passable American accent (baby, just go British, we'll play along), and one in which he was a corpse. As a Highlander fan, the fact that he didn't end the corpse scene by sitting up with a gasp and decapitating Catwoman saddens me just thinking about it.

Oh, let me guess. She gets framed for his murder?

Dude, she gets framed for everyone's murder. Peter Wingfield dies ... her fault. George Hedare dies ... she did it. Why she wasn't brought in for the severe beating DC canon took, I'm still trying to piece together.

I heard she breaks up a robbery in a jewelry store.

Yeah, and then she literally breaks up a diamond-encrusted necklace to make the claws on her gloves. Yes, just when you thought that costume couldn't get any tackier, the gloves are tipped in diamond-encrusted claws. Because nothing says "I really feel sorry about boosting those jewels after I caught the robbers!" like dismantling the biggest piece of them all.

Where was she hiding a whip in that costume?

Considering you could tell the room temperature and the state of her bikini wax in that costume, I seriously don't want to ponder that question.

Why does the police station have a big neon sign that says "POLICE" on the side of it?

Because if it didn't, you'd never be able to figure it out, what with the cops streaming in and out of the place all the time.

When Laurel and Catwoman fought, who did you want to lose more?

Oh, man, can't you ask me an easier question, like why the sky is blue or why Tom Arnold still has a career?

Hey, wait. When Patience was arguing with her boss, and she called him an untalented, egotistical maniac, did you think, "Hey, that's his line!"?

Ah, you know me so well.

So how much glee did you get out of the shot of Sharon Stone stabbing Halle Berry in the side with a great big piece of glass?

Almost as much enjoyment as I got when Patience ate about ten cans of tuna and I just knew after a lifetime lived with cats that injesting that much Starkist was going to give her a bitchin' painful urinary tract infection.

So when Patience gets arrested for the fifty million murders she gets framed for, and then later on she escapes, how does she get her costume back from the cops?

Maybe she has two dominatrix costumes. You know, one for work, and one for the weekends when she's just lying around the house playing Tetris and eating Cheetos.

All right, I bite. Why was the cold cream so very, very evil?

Because if you stop using it, you could win first place in a Phantom of the Opera Lookalike contest. And if you keep using it, you never feel pain again and get skin htat can't be scratched.

And this is evil how, exactly?

Erm, because if you piss Sharon Stone off, she tries to kill you. But really, you should know this already.

You know, that's really kind of stupid.

If you think that's kind of stupid, you should see Sharon and Halle catfight. If I took Eliot the Stuffed Monkey and my Jerry Garcia doll and flung them in the general direction of Sharon and Halle, I like to imagine there'd be a lot of squealing and Muppet arms. And I'd even duct tape Eliot's arms behind his back so that Sharon might have a fighting chance.

But not your Jerry Garcia doll's arms?

Dude, I could put that doll in front of my face and sing "Touch of Gray" in Halle's direction, and she'd still lose that fight.

So how does the movie end?

Oh, Patience is exonerated and lives happily ever after, especially after she breaks it off with Tom. Because let's face it ... the last thing she needs in her life is someone who might be able to instill any sense of shame or embarrassment in her wardrobe choices.

What's the moral of this movie?

Never slip into unconsciousness around stray cats, as they will dress you in laughable attire, force upon you their vast, Speshul Sekrit Kat Abilities in whip handling, and make it so you hiss at strangers. With that in mind, I may never sleep in my parents' house again.

Well, aren't you at least glad you didn't have to pay for your ticket?

Yes, thanks to voleuse, I didn't have to pay for my own admission. Of course, I did have to pay for popcorn, and soda, and the Metro, and the bus, and for added measure, now I have to go buy more DVDs to cleanse my palate and restore my fragile sanity. It's a vicious circle.

Comments

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

The only person I want to see in that moive is Peter Wingfield. Does he at least die well?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Alas, no. He gets one scene where he whines for three or four lines about the cold cream of dooooom melting people's faces, and then he gets shot offscreen.

And I didn't even get my Batman Begins trailer, either. Hmph. *sigh*

[catystorm.livejournal.com]

*stares at free ticket and tries to decide if the trauma is worth it*

OT

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

Eeeek! Old School Animated Robin! I love him so.

Re: OT

[catystorm.livejournal.com]

Heehee. I had a bored moment during my last spring break and went on a BTAS icon spree.

=D I lubs me my BTAS. =D

Re: OT

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

God, I loved that show, too. And unlike many others, I totally fell in love with the redesign of the show, preferring it to the old character designs. I mean, compare Bruce Wayne in the black suit to brown suited Bruce Wayne. The former could totally fuck your shit up, the latter was a goofball. The former got into Lois Lane's panties. The latter...? He probably wouldn't have gotten as far as a kiss on the hand.

Re: OT

[catystorm.livejournal.com]

Not to mention that the Batman redesign was about ten times more intimidating. I can't imagine the '92 BTAS Batman going toe-to-toe with Superman like that. XD Plus the new show had Nightwing! I am a Boy Wonder geek.

Re: OT

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

And Selina finally had the right color hair after the redesign.

[filmbuff.livejournal.com]

no. no it is not. I got paid to watch it and it wasn't worth it.

[dragonsinger.livejournal.com]

As a Highlander fan, the fact that he didn't end the corpse scene by sitting up with a gasp and decapitating Catwoman saddens me just thinking about it.

That could be arranged in an evil piece of fanfic. *LOL*

[budclare.livejournal.com]

Oh no, not evil. Never evil. Good and Just.

[minisinoo.livejournal.com]

(Laughing hysterically)

[backfromspace.livejournal.com]

Does the Halle actually eat all ten cans of tuna on screen? Because, um, mercury poisoning.

We could send tuna salad to her house every week until the trace amounts build up in her blood stream and KILL HER.

[feath.livejournal.com]

Why does the police station have a big neon sign that says "POLICE" on the side of it?

Because if it didn't, you'd never be able to figure it out, what with the cops streaming in and out of the place all the time.

I'm not sure if that's the best line you've ever done, but I think it's my favorite :)

Eww

[dreamt.livejournal.com]

Where was she hiding a whip in that costume?

Considering you could tell the room temperature and the state of her bikini wax in that costume, I seriously don't want to ponder that question.


That? Made me gag... x_x

But the kitty picture and following comment made me snigger out loud. Mom even asked why I was laughing and she's in the living room =P

[crevette.livejournal.com]

I was reading this out loud to my husband and when I got to the Tom Arnold crack there was silence and then he said in a small voice. "I like Tom Arnold. He was awesome in True Lies."

I'm going to let that speak for itself.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Your husband and mine must be psychically linked.

[snellios.livejournal.com]

are you sure your husbands aren't actually the same person? *gasp* adultery and amazing coincidences!

[aerden.livejournal.com]

Hehehehe! I loved Tom Arnold in True Lies.

"Harry? Next time, you get to be in the van. I've been in the van for fifteen years, Harry. Harry? Are you listening to me?"

Too much fun.

[crevette.livejournal.com]

"What kind of bitch takes the ice cube trays from the freezer, Harry?"


hehehe.

LOVED him in that.

[ladynaberrie.livejournal.com]

Lovely review, lovely.

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

It's not the real not gay best friend if there isn't this hot shirtless guy who mysteriously appears in photos with him.

I wish this wasn't as bad as it is, because I was kinda looking forward to it. Just not enough to pay $10 for it.

[vivian-shaw.livejournal.com]

Oh so glad I don't have to see this atrocity for myself.
Me and my black vinyl catsuit will do some avengin'. Oh yesssss.

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

And if you keep using it, you never feel pain again and get skin that can't be scratched.

*gasp* Even with diamond claws?!

Thanks for the review. I see this Pitof is a very skilled director- he never lets an opportunity for crapiness pass him by.

-blue

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

You rock!!! LOL, I was going to blow off seeing that movie anyway, but now I can feel good about not seeing it.

[margaret-yakoda.livejournal.com]

Oh... man... We went to Deer Park yesterday and I saw they had made a Catwoman movie... Not having TV and all, I momentarily thought it might be fun to see.

Instead we saw I, Robot. THAT movie was GREAT! So... spend your movie money on that one, I guess.

Whoa

[okelle.livejournal.com]

Yes, the movie had major plot holes, was disgustingly predictable, and had silly dialog (and I do concur with you about the general inappropriateness of the one-on-one with children watching scene), but it was worth the price of a matinee ticket at a cheap theater just to see Halle Barry in black leather and Sharon Stone in a movie at all.

Is there a particular reason why you hate these two actors so much?

[sniperct.livejournal.com]

*rocks back and forth, holding onto comic collection and weeping* Imissthetheifthecatburglarwithasnarkyattitude ;_;

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

Of course, I did have to pay for popcorn, and soda, and the Metro, and the bus, and for added measure, now I have to go buy more DVDs to cleanse my palate and restore my fragile sanity. It's a vicious circle.

Better you than me, darling. *g*

Great review, and sorry I took so long to comment. It actually hurt to read summaries of the movie, would you believe it?