(no subject)
Aug. 1st, 2004 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsos![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
wal_lace posted this list he got from someone else and snarked away. Now, it's my turn. :)1. Watch the sunset together.
Or get a hobby. Either way ...
2. Take showers together.
Ooo, I see some naughty teen's been watching the bad movies on Cinemax.
3. Back rubs/massages.
Unless you are a professional masseuse, please don't. My back gets thrown out if you look at it funny, so let's not and say we did.
4. Listen to classical music and cuddle in the dark or w/ backlight.
Considering the only classical song I can stand to listen to without getting nauseated is "Danse Macabre", this should be interesting.
5. French Kiss.
Shit, and I was just going to offer blow jobs. My bad. *eye roll*
6. Hold her w/ hands inside the back of her shirt.
If she's short and you're tall, don't be surprised if she gets pissed at you for tugging up her top to do this.
7. Whisper to each other.
Or, you know, talk normally to one another and make your words more interesting than your volume.
8. Cook for each other.
It's never romantic when I cook for someone else. Not that I'm a bad cook, it's just ... just dinner, man.
9. Skinny dip.
Uh, no. Not to avoid being seen by my boyfriend, but to avoid being seen by anybody else on the planet.
10. Make out in the rain.
Can't we just make out inside out of the rain, where neither one of us will catch cold? 'Cause that's a tad more romantic, and not as illness-inducing.
11. Dress each other.
This is only romantic if getting a new person to dress you means you can stop having Mom or Dad do it for you. I'm twenty-six. I'm pretty sure I can handle this on my own.
12. Undress each other.
What, like all the time? This is going to make weekday mornings last forever, especially with the intermittent sex that's bound to pop up.
13. Kiss every part of their body.
Every part? I mean, yeah, certain parts are fun, but once you start talking nuzzling armpits and lovingly fondling someone else's small intestine, the romance dies a painful death.
14. Hold hands.
Both of them. At all times. Make walking difficult. Clothesline as many passersby as possible.
15. Sleep together. (Actually sleep with each other – not sex)
As opposed to say, sleeping at opposite ends of the house with armed guards lying next to you. That's romantic for no one, unless you hire the wrong armed guards.
16. One word- Foreplay
I'd like "Words This Poor Girl Had To Look Up In The Dictionary" for $500, Alex.
17. Sit and talk in just underwear.
Do this all the time, in restaurants, at bars, and at work. Have a prepared statement from your licensed psychiatrist to give to the police should they be called in.
18. Buy gifts for each other.
Like?
19. Roses.
Ah, padding the list, I see. Well, let me put it this way. I would much rather date a guy who bought me a movie (and I mean any movie) or a book instead of getting me flowers or chocolates or jewelry. Flowers die, chocolate makes me break out, and I'm not much for jewelry.
20. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
Maybe it's just me, but I'd much rather have a guy who simply knew how to bathe and put on deodorant. Once you're past that, you should smell fine regardless. (The same goes for chicks. Cologne and perfume are highly overrated.)
21. Wear his clothes.
Um, I'm 5'2" and weigh about 125 lbs, give or take. Unless I'm dating a Munchkin, I'm going to be able to prop a tent in my boyfriend's clothes, so wearing his clothes to going to make me look like a dork.
22. Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars.
Which will get boring in less than two minutes, regardless of who you're with. I love the stars, but for crying out loud, there's only so long I can look at them.
23. Incense/candles/oils/blacklights and music make for great cuddling/sex.
Or you could just learn every erogenous zone on your partner's body ad go to town. But dude, incense!
24. Kiss at every chance you get.
Become one of those annoying couples all your friends loathe.
25. Don't wear underwear and let them find out.
By going to the nearest baseball field and lifting your skirt for the big screen over right field.
26. Kinky is bad – Blindfolds are good.
No, no, no. Kinky is good. Blindfolds are good. Oral sex is good. Costumes are good. Chocolate syrup is good. In summation, anything that gets the two of you off is fuckin' great.
27. Lightly kiss their collarbone and their jawbone just below the ear, then whisper I love you.
What's with all the whispering? Methinks the author has some weird sensitivity to sound or something.
28. Bubble baths.
As in, "Let the chick have her half hour alone in the bubble bath one night a week and she might think less about fighting when you forget to do something."
29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
Try to avoid left-behind hot dogs, washed-up medical waste, used condoms, and the homeless.
30. Make love.
*blinks*
*checks list title*
*blinks*
Is this in general? Or is this as opposed to, say, fucking like bunny rabbits?
31. Write poetry for each other.
I thought this was steps for maintaining a good relationship. Nobody wants to read my poetry, trust me. Especially considering that I only wrote poetry in high school and most of it was about things like burning babies and amputated arms.
32. Kiss/smell her hair.
Leave my hair alone and kiss my mouth, damn it. You're close enough, and that's what it's there for.
33. Hugs are the universal medicine.
No, that's penicillin. Hugs are what your grandmother gives you after a long absence.
34. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
"I didn't say I loved you last week because you were nailing my sister and I absolutely loathed you, but I really love you right now! And here's a
35. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
"Hi, honey. Here's more of my crappy poetry."
36. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
Am I the only one who'd much rather have a boyfriend who said, "You're the only girl I'd ever want, but if Eliza Dushku or Keira Knightley walk through that door ... well, you know how it is"? I'd much rather someone be honest to me on that count, at least.
37. Spend every second possible together.
Dude, my parents have been happily married for twenty-seven years, and if they spent every minute together, one of them would have throttled the other one a long time ago.
38. Tell her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. And mean it.
Gee, thank you for your permission. *eye roll* Why do I get the impression the author got stuff like this from Mandy Moore movies?
39. Look into each other's eyes.
No, look away! If you look into each other's eyes, he'll steal your soul! AUGH!
40. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
Oh, yeah. Definitely getting this shit from Mandy Moore movies.
41. Talk to each other using only body language and your eyes.
Witness the Miscommunication Olympics, ladies and gents!
42. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
When in private, flirt with anything that comes into view. Like, say, the potted plant or the sink or something.
43. Walk behind her and put your hands in her front pockets.
Have no concept of personal dignity or embarrassment in regards to either one of you.
44. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
Prepare to dig the remnants of those love notes out of their pockets when you do the laundry.
45. Clothes are no fun.
Obviously said by someone who wears Amish castoffs.
46. Buy her a ring.
I'm going to state this right here. Nobody buy me a ring, unless you're proposing. And if you are, I want the tiniest sapphire you can find, because I can guarantee you, I will lose it just like I do with all jewelry, but at least with a sapphire I'll like it while I have it.
47. Keep one of her bras somewhere where you see it everyday.
Make sure you have a good excuse for your co-workers as to why there's a bra dangling from your desk lamp at work.
48. Sing to each other.
Again, I wonder how I'm supposed to do this without losing a guy or breaking his eardrums. And please, don't sing to me. Seriously, stop that.
49. Read to each other.
Okay, this one I like, but mostly because I'd be making my guy competitive sexy-read, which would basically be seeing who could make the least sexual book sound the most pornographic.
50. PDA =3D Public Display of Affection.
*dryly* Thank you for telling me that as if I didn't learn it in fourth grade.
51. Take advantage of any time alone together.
I imagine, given what maturity the author has already displayed, that this involves cuddling or making friendship bracelets or something.
52. Tell her about how you answered every question in math with her name.
Be prepared for her to tell you, "I know, I graded the test, and I'm failing you." Realize you're dating a pedophile.
53. Draw. (If you can)
If I can draw pornographic stick figures, does that count? Yeah, didn't think so.
54. Let her sit on your lap.
Tell her, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" Realize she's dating a pedophile.
55. Go hiking and camp out together in the woods or on a mountain.
Or stay home and not get bitten by bugs, eaten by bears, covered in sweat and dirt or fat on burnt hot dogs and marshmallows.
56. Lips were made for kissing. So were eyes, and fingers, and cheeks, and collarbones, and hands, and ears.
But not if you work in the biohazard area of your local emergency room and they're separated from the rest of their bodies, 'cause that's just gross right there.
57. Kiss her stomach.
Or eliminate the middle man and take excursions slightly north or slightly south. Your call.
58. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
Again, this means I would have to date a dwarf. Next question.
59. Guys like half-shirts.
That's nice. Girls don't, and will worry about your sexual orientation if you do wear them.
60. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
If you're taking a girl to some place that offers a dinner-for-two deal, it's too cheap. And if you're taking her some place you have to order for her, it's too expensive.
61. Spaghetti – (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
Yes, it was about talking dogs. As I'm not a talking dog, I will not assume that sharing a plate of spaghetti means that we'll inevitably eat the same strand and have to kiss. Because, you know, I'm not an idiot.
62. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
Okay, that's a romance novel move. Let's not take our cues from romance novels either, shall we?
63. Unless you can feel their heart beating, you aren't close enough.
Unless you are that close, in which case you're a necrophiliac.
64. Dance together.
Again, on a personal note, NO. Unless you happen to like someone acting like a dork.
65. Sit in front of a roaring fire and make out/make love.
Finally answer that age-old question "What's the worst body hair for you to singe off?"
66. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
I'm sorry, I could have sworn a besotted straight teenage girl wrote this.
67. Carry her to bed.
Revel in the anxiety that comes from alternating between being afraid you'll drop her and being terrified you'll whack her head against something.
68. Waterbeds are fun.
Until they spring a leak, in which case you're on your own.
69. You figure it out.
Wait a sec. "You figure it --" Oh, I get it. 'Cause it's 69, and with the ... yeah. Well, Jesus, just say, "Blow jobs all around!" and quit being all mysterious. Sheesh.
70. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
That's not cute. That's idiotic. I would drop a guy like that before he did something really annoying like father my child.
71. Break every one of your parent's relationship rules for them.
Well, aside from the fact I'm 26 and can date whoever the hell I want, my parents's relationship rules boiled down to, "Please date a human." As such, I'd have to date Mr. Ed before they started having a problem. And again, not giving a shit here.
72. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
See how long it takes for them to issue a restraining order.
73. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
"I can't keep fighting this fire! I have to go call my girlfriend!"
74. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
Hang up before you have to explain why you left them alone to go to Singles Weekend at Club Med.
75. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
"... so then there were these killer Care Bears shooting laser beams at me, and that's when John Wayne showed up in a thong ..."
76. Ride your bike 8 miles just to see them for a few hours.
Or drive and not show up breathing heavily and smelling like a locker room.
77. Ride home and call them.
Make sure they know you're still in love with them from when you left last.
78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
"I'm deathly afraid of paper. Is that weird?"
79. Somehow incorporate them into any kind of religion or worship you have.
"Exactly how many kittens did you want sacrificed for that tithing, dearest?"
80. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points)
No, schmuck, he's supposd to fall in love with me. And if he's meant to be in love with my father, we're all in trouble.
81. Act out mutual fantasies together. (Not necessarily sexual)
"Did I ever tell you my fantasy about the Hobbit? Well, see, he had this gardener ..."
82. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
Stop dating Cousin Itt's twin sister, and you won't have to do that all the time.
83. Stay up all night to think of 101 ways to be sweet to them.
Or read this list and save yourself some fuckin' insomnia.
84. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points)
Then there's always actually liking their friends, but why do that when you could just be hanging with them to kiss up?
85. Go to church/pray/worship together.
"Hon, we need a human sacrifice for church this week, and, well ..."
86. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
How about you remember if you liked it? 'Cause if you don't like it, then why the hell should I make you watch it ever again if according to #38, I don't have to do anything I don't want? Shouldn't that go both ways?
87. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night.
Don't overreact when one of you grows fangs and tries to eat the other one.
88. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
As the author proves once again she's never actually been in a relationship.
89. Everyone deserves a second chance.
Except serial killers, mass murderers, violent drunks, child rapists, abusive parents ... okay, no maybe not everyone.
90. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
Preferably in song, at a school carnival, while she's in pants she had to be sewn into and you're about to embark on a decade-and-a-half long dry spell in the film industry.
91. Make sacrifices for each other.
Use puppies. They squirm less and get less blood on your robes.
92. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
Or loathe each other, and stay together for the hot, steamy sex.
93. Write a fictional story about how you met/fell in love, etc. and give it to them.
If this doesn't work for the cast of the "Lord of the Rings" movies or cult fantasy shows or pop bands, then why would it be less creepy with your boyfriend?
94. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
What is this, the Stalker Training Guide? The next entry isn't going to be "Stew Their Pet Bunny," is it? Is it?!
95. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
You know, the author may be the only person on the planet whose immediate reaction to this isn't, "Masturbation first, then group sex."
96. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
Dear Author, please give me your "Prelude to a Kiss" DVD. Thank you.
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
Am I the only one who grew out of dedicating songs to people when I was in high school?
98. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
This had better mean passing out in bed after a long bout of sex with the cell phone stuffed under the mattress, because otherwise, it reads like someone who's never paid a phone bill in her life.
99. Sleep naked together.
Gee, and I would have thought the "Make love" entry covered that. Apparently, we were supposed to do it covered in body condoms like in "Naked Gun". My mistake.
100. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
Considering nobody "talks trash" outside of a professional basketball game, learn how to casually excuse yourself when speaking to Shaq.
101. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."
Wait, I thought we were sleeping together. Or sleeping naked together. Or making love, or ... oh, whatever.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:43 pm (UTC)42. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
50. PDA =3D Public Display of Affection
Yeah. That could be a problem, unless each alternate universe has to pick one.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:45 pm (UTC)Shit, and I was just going to offer blow jobs. My bad. *eye roll*
Well, if you insist.
36. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
Am I the only one who'd much rather have a boyfriend who said, "You're the only girl I'd ever want, but if Eliza Dushku or Keira Knightley walk through that door ... well, you know how it is"? I'd much rather someone be honest to me on that count, at least.
Yes, but it might be odd to hear "You're the only guy I'd ever want, but if Eliza Dushku or Keira Knightley walk through that door ... well, you know how it is"?
49. Read to each other.
Okay, this one I like, but mostly because I'd be making my guy competitive sexy-read, which would basically be seeing who could make the least sexual book sound the most pornographic.
Anyone else want to here Trollprincess try this via a phone post?
57. Kiss her stomach.
Or eliminate the middle man and take excursions slightly north or slightly south. Your call.
You don't like being teased?
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:48 pm (UTC)No, it's just me being snarky, like with the rest of the list. I should point out that I'm three Smirnoffs down again, just like last night.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:45 pm (UTC)Am I the only one who'd much rather have a boyfriend who said, "You're the only girl I'd ever want, but if Eliza Dushku or Keira Knightley walk through that door ... well, you know how it is"? I'd much rather someone be honest to me on that count, at least.
Well, actually I'd rather have a boyfriend who said "You're the only girl I'd ever want, and if Tom Welling comes by, we are inviting him for a threesome", but that's just me. ;)
Oh, and the one about full moon? Priceless!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:Marry me ;P
Date: 2004-08-01 05:50 pm (UTC)No seriously, this could actually be good! Just you know… be careful with the zipper. And now I shall go be amused by the possibilities of THAT scenario.
49. Read to each other.
Okay, this one I like, but mostly because I'd be making my guy competitive sexy-read, which would basically be seeing who could make the least sexual book sound the most pornographic.
… That is the best idea ever. :P
And just so you know, my stomach aches from how hard I've been trying NOT to laugh out loud(have ppl who get annoyed at that in the room currently) God this was great. Sacrificing puppies for eachother? GOLD.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:12 pm (UTC)Do this all the time, in restaurants, at bars, and at work. Have a prepared statement from your licensed psychiatrist to give to the police should they be called in.
I hope they wear the underpants without holes and previous stains - nothing puts the brakes on romance like skidmarks.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:29 pm (UTC)If you like Danse Macabre, you might want to give Bacchanal a try. Er, I wonder if I spelled that right. Anyway, same composer. Mad mad violins. The kind of music that makes you want to spin around like a crazy person, fall down and commence with the orgy.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 09:19 pm (UTC)The orchestra I played in did that a few years ago. Both our sub conductor and our regular conductor called it an orgy. (It's a youth orchestra. There were like twelve-year-olds in there. We giggled. Heh) My sub conductor was slightly more descriptive, but hey. The regular one was a bit of a tight-ass.
Bacchanal is the best classical piece EVER.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:41 pm (UTC)http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2260279917
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:rofl
From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:42 pm (UTC)Preferably in song, at a school carnival, while she's in pants she had to be sewn into and you're about to embark on a decade-and-a-half long dry spell in the film industry.
Why do I get the feeling I'm not the only one who caught Grease on AMC this evening???
97. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
Am I the only one who grew out of dedicating songs to people when I was in high school?
We did this in college - but only because we all worked at the radio station.
This was hysterical. I think you should write a list of 101 Things Not to do in a Relationship :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:55 pm (UTC)49. Read to each other.
Okay, this one I like, but mostly because I'd be making my guy competitive sexy-read, which would basically be seeing who could make the least sexual book sound the most pornographic.
And then there was the time that the really boring and dry sex manual got read out loud in as many different accents as could be mustered....
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 06:57 pm (UTC)Ah, padding the list, I see. Well, let me put it this way. I would much rather date a guy who bought me a movie (and I mean any movie) or a book instead of getting me flowers or chocolates or jewelry. Flowers die, chocolate makes me break out, and I'm not much for jewelry.
A-freakin-men! Luckily, my boy knows this. Cause I've told him just under a million times. He knows dvds are the only way to my heart. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 07:54 pm (UTC)ACK. Ruffles and ice water spooge. *shakes fist*
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 08:30 pm (UTC)That was a sound, practical idea. (but may be it’s just me being drunk.)
79. Somehow incorporate them into any kind of religion or worship you have.
yeha, the one with puppy sacrifices…But seriously, that advice was ridiculous bordering on creepy
I noticed how the author asks to draw if you can, but to sing or write poetry no matter what. In my opinion, a bad drawing is much less painful.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 09:16 pm (UTC)How about you remember if you liked it? 'Cause if you don't like it, then why the hell should I make you watch it ever again if according to #38, I don't have to do anything I don't want? Shouldn't that go both ways?
I think the implication is "so you can emulate them later."
I think this is a boy who figured out what his girlfriends liked... Disgusting how formulaic his relationships must be, and you know there are women somewhere who will eat this shit up.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 09:42 pm (UTC)thank you. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 10:13 pm (UTC)And the doorbell rings and the true test of love shall be revealed...who wants to answer the door in their underwear and risk humiliation? Dumdumdum. Ineedsleep.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 10:39 pm (UTC)Okay, this one I like, but mostly because I'd be making my guy competitive sexy-read, which would basically be seeing who could make the least sexual book sound the most pornographic.
**dies** I love you.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 11:26 pm (UTC)Medusa.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 11:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 05:33 am (UTC)