(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

Underworld: A Review in Q&A Form

Uh, I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what the hell is up with the Abraham Lincoln costume?

You see, my good gentleperson, I have decided that I am running for President of these United States.

Seriously? Dude, that's awesome! What's your platform going to be?

At the moment, it's ... well, it's mostly just getting an amendment to the Constitution that states that Scott Speedman is never allowed to wear a shirt again and must be constantly kept wet until his death or he stops being attractive, whichever comes first.

That's kind of a lame platform.

Considering I bought this DVD solely for the eye candy, I think not.

Well, can we add Tom Cruise to that amendment? He's the yum.

You know, I could do that. Then again, I could just close down all of the factories that make doll clothes. Different method, same shirtless result.

So what movie are we watching again?

That would be ... uh, hold on. I need to get a flashlight.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I think this is Underworld, but I also think it's eternally night in this film and everybody's wearing black. I'd think I was watching the test pattern on my TV, but I don't have a TV and the test pattern has more color in its wardrobe.

I see. Let's just pretend it is Underworld, then. Tell me the plot, wenchy woman.

Once upon a time, there was a thirteen-year-old drama queen and a slightly older obsessive nutjob ... oh, wait, that's Romeo and Juliet. Let me try that again. Once upon a time, there was a sweet rich kid and a redheaded poor girl with a sewing machine ... oh, wait, that's Pretty in Pink. One more time. Once upon a time, there was a farmboy alien and a rich bald future villain ... oh, wait, that's Smallville.

Let's just say it's like those, but with less sexual tension and more vampires and werewolves.

Vampires and werewolves? That's so cool!

Sure it is. You know, when the werewolves don't look like mutated Muppets and the vampires don't have a dress code specifically designed to make albinos go, "Dude, that shit makes you look anemic, man."

So I'll bet the werewolves and the vampires are all friendly like because of all of the supernatural doohickeys going on.

Actually, no, they fight like bats and dogs.

... so what ring of Hell do you go to for a pun that bad?

Number 29 ... fascist dictators, women's undergarments, and fascist dictators in women's undergarments.

*sigh* I hate you, you know that?

And yet, you're still trapped in my skull. Sucks to be you, don't it?

Is that another vampire pun?

Maybe. Check with me later.

Whatever. Fill me on the unusual suspects, bucko.

'Twould be my honor, my future constituent --

I'm not voting for you.

Damn it!

Selene ... Fierce warrior vampiress, armed to the teeth with guns that reload from another dimension filled entirely with bullets. Has an entire wardrobe composed of rubber outfits and corsets, which must be all kinds of fun to wear while lazing around on a rainy Saturday. Does not understand the concept of staircases in going down, because why use the stairs when you can just jump off the roof or shoot a hole in the floor?

Michael Corvin ... Dopey American medical intern who somehow ended up working for the only hospital in Budapest, which you'd think would be staffed by Hungarians but is really staffed entirely by hot American medical personnel. Has some funky kind of blood thingy that basically means that someone got vampire in their werewolf, and someone got werewolf in their vampire, and what you end up with is an all-powerful, emotionless bucket of yum who looks like Hefty Smurf on crack.

Lucien ... Pointy-chinned supposedly-dead leader of the werewolves. Is trying to create a half-werewolf, half-vampire, which quite frankly probably would have been a hell of a lot easier if he'd turned Michael, tossed him in a bedroom with Selene, and slipped Italian food under the door while playing Sarah McLachlan as loud as possible. Gets killed every ten minutes by Kraven, quite possibly because there's supposed to be some sort of irony involved. Played by the guy who was married to Kate Beckinsale, which must make this experience doubly suck in the long run, since not only was he in a bad movie, but his wife left him for the moron who directed it.

Kraven ... Lying little snot in charge of the vampires. Never piss him off, as his overly clenched jaw will clench even more and KILL YOU DEAD. Has some kind of misguided infatuation with Selene, which isn't surprising considering she dresses like a obsessive-compulsive dominatrix and shows slightly less emotion than a kumquat.

Viktor ... Egomaniacal twit and lord of the vampires who's got a serious vamp-KKK thought process going on. Has been buried in a hole for a very long time, during which he sure as hell wasn't exfoliating. Played by Bill Nighy, which means it's okay that I kept waiting for him to ask people to get pissed and watch porn with him. Am now a little sick to my stomach, because the thought of watching porn with someone with a severe dehydration problem is more than a tad ooky.

Erika ... Blond trampy vampire flunky. Is jealous of Selene over Kraven's infatuation, because God knows, who wouldn't want a guy who smacks chicks around and demands they stay home to be barefoot and pregnant with little vampire babies. This, by the way, is a dating don't that Kate Beckinsale carries over to Van Helsing, and really, at this rate, she's never going to get laid in vampire flicks if she keeps being this picky.

Raze ... Lucien's hulking underling. Has a voice so deep it has to be mined with special drills from the depths of the Marianas Trench. Also has a writing credit on the script, which means any gratuitous thrills I might have gotten watching Selene fling barbed Frisbees at his chest are perfectly understandable.

Can we ramble incoherently now? Can we, can we, huh?

Sure, why not?

Okay. So, Budapest, huh?

Yup. Land of vampires and werewolves and, uh, eternal fucking nighttime. Really, if there's one thing I've learned from this movie, it's that the sun never comes out in Budapest, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. In fact, Budapest may be located entirely in an alternate dimension where the sun only exists so that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have a nice, hot, imaginary place to live.

And what's with all the rain?

That would be God, weeping over the plot.

No, seriously.

Well, let's face it. Everybody looks more angst-ridden and sexy when they're wet. It's a scientific fact.

No, seriously.

Okay, fine. It's nature's way of helping you spot the immortals in your area. See, if there's a horrible storm in your town, and you go walking down the street to the supermarket for Yoohoo and Cheetos, watch for the dumbasses who are too stupid to get out of the rain. Anyone too busy buying expensive leather coats to pick up an umbrella ... yeah, that's your supernatural population right there.

Why are there no female werewolves?

Oh, really, don't women have enough problems once a month without having a full moon to deal with?

Hey, why did the werewolves fill their vampire-killing bullets with some ultra-techical scientifically-WTF?! ultraviolet shit when they could have easily filled them with holy water?

Bugger if I know. Selene had a reflection, too, don't you know. It would have been nice if at least once during the movie, Random Vampire #2 had turned to Random Vampire #4 and said, "Isn't it great being the only non-denominational vampires on the planet?"

Why the hell did the elder vampires have to sleep, anyway?

Would you believe so they could look pretty and refreshed when they woke up?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Say, why don't we put our old people in storage like that?

Because that's rude. And because they're meant to die and leave us stuff. And ... um ... wait, why aren't we doing this again?

Exactly how many times did Michael get chained up?

Twice that I can think of, and both times he tried to escape by the power of his corded neck muscles and neverending dampness.

Anyway, if Lucien could knock up Viktor's daughter, what the hell does that mean?

It means that this vampirism gig's gotta suck if it means you still have to pay for birth control.

Exactly how disgusting was it at the end when Selene cut Viktor's head in half?

Revolting. I saw brain stem! It was so much fun.

There is something seriously wrong with you, you know that?

So everyone keeps telling me.

Comments

[altoidsaddict.livejournal.com]

Here's what I know about Underworld:

When it came out, there was a promotional TV special run on American Movie Classics. It was a completely serious documentary on the war between werewolves and vampires.

A documentary on a movie that everyone would naturally assume was fiction because, hello, werewolves and vampires don't exist.

Oh-ho, how naive! says the documentary. They found people who claimed to actually be werewolves or vampires (probably through the use of LJ's random feature) and interviewed them on camera, asking them things like "How accurate was the movie compared to your experience?" Most of these people... well, let's say I'd pay not to see them in latex and corsets.

The highlight, at least for me, was the real-life werewolf who said he could change in front of the camera, but it makes him tired, so he won't, but just trust him, he's a real, live werewolf.

[starmouse.livejournal.com]

what the fuck?

[altoidsaddict.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was my reaction, too. It seemed to be endorsed by the people who made Underworld, which means that once again a sucky movie takes itself way too seriously.

[gruyere.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons I fucking HATE AMC these days.