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Sep. 18th, 2004 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosSo I mentioned that while I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer and it was quite possibly my favorite fandom ever, I still loathed a ton of stuff that was done on the show. Which, hey, who can't say that about every fandom they've been in?
But now that I've said I could make a list of stuff that really, really, really angered me, I can't exactly stop myself from some hardcore bitching. I don't think I have to warn you that the opinions expressed herein are bound to piss somebody off. Therefore ...
The top fifteen things that pissed me off about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, in no particular order ...
1. "Vampires don't have souls! That's why they're evil!" -- Jesus, I hated that part of the mythology. All humans have souls, which is why they're good, which explains every fucked-up serial killer in the penal system. And all vampires don't have souls, which is why they're horribly evil and totally focused on killing humans, like Harmony or Holden or those vampires who would pause in the middle of a fight to banter with Buffy. I was willing to buy into that soul crap for a while, but when they started toying with it in plotlines to make Angel look more special, I took my ball and I went the fuck home.
2. "I'm a female role model! That means no nookie for me!" -- It's one of the more annoying cliches that happen to strong female characters. "I'm a strong female! I don't need a man, especially for sex! No, wait, maybe I need one for sex, hot sweaty marathon sex all over the ... wait, I was wrong! I'm a strong woman and I don't need a man! Strong women use vibrators! Aw, fuck it, strong women use the sheer power of their hormones to spontaneously climax, and the only time they ever need a man is to make ex-boyfriends jealous or perhaps to reach for a jar of peanut butter on the top shelf! Yay, strong women!" Yeah, uh-huh.
3. "You like Spike with Buffy?! It's off to the insane asylum with you, you sick fuck!" -- Yes, I liked Spike with Buffy. Sue me, but I'd sincerely appreciate it if you (meaning the writing team at ME) would never have given off that snotty attitude that those of us who were S/B 'shippers were masochistic abuse-addicts even before the attempted rape.
4. "We're going to give Spike a soul, and it'll be nothing like Angel!" -- Yeah, sure it won't. Except for the part where it totally was.
5. "HA! And you thought we were actually going to marry Xander and Anya! Pulled the wool over your eyes, didn't we? *cackles*" -- Tell you what. You take this spun-from-the-lame-television-series-cliche-flock wool and shove it into a uncomfortable place like the back seat of a Volkswagen.
6. "Riley Finn is a wonderful character whom Buffy would be a fool not to love!" -- Uh, no. He's sweet and all, but Spike gave him far too much credit when he compared him to cardboard, particularly any brand of cardboard smart enough to rank as a captain. And I say this as someone who liked Riley enough to admit that on another show, the character might actually have been interesting. But he was dropped among rich characters that made his sweetness look more like the cornfed blandness it could look like. And speaking of Riley ...
7. "This is my wife, Mary Sue. I made her out of cream cheese and kindergarten paste and won first prize in the art fair!" -- Marti Noxon could not afford a therapist. She could, however, afford to drag poor Riley back just to show off the fact that not only could he get a decent girl who didn't drive him to bloodletting, but he could get a freakin' Mary Sue. Beat that, She In Need of Nose Job!
8. "I've got ten bucks that says we can make the entire viewing audience of 'Angel' throw up at the exact same time just like in 'Stand By Me'!" -- I know they had to get to Jasmine somehow, but I also know that the scene where Cordy slept with Connor is now being used as an alternative to ipecac to get poisoned people to eject their stomach contents.
9. "Say, what's the expiration date on that lesbian again?" -- Right around the time that Tara got shot, someone on one of the lists I was on mentioned the dead lesbian rule, where the lesbian relationship on a TV series can only go on for so long before one of them has to die. Hearing that when Tara was dying onscreen made me long for the days when the show actually attempted to be original sometimes.
10. "I'm a Slayer, ask me how! No, seriously!" -- I wasn't even watching anymore by the time Willow whipped up that spell that made all the girls Slayers, but I winced just thinking about it. You made everybody Slayers? Well, that's nice. Now, how do you plan to explain the fact that hundreds if not thousands of young women and girls can suddenly lift a hundred pounds without breaking a sweat? Oh, I forgot. We're ending the series, so it doesn't really matter, does it?
11. "If you'll just excuse me, I'm off to mainline eye of newt. That shit's hardcore, ya'll." -- So Willow was addicted to magic, which is bad, because if you really any sympathy in Sunnydale, your frigid shrew of a girlfriend has to drive you to get vampire suck jobs in icky crack dens.
12. "Poof! I'm a grownup! Poof! I'm an asshole!" -- Well, really, the minute Darla turned up preggers with Angel's kid, you just knew a case of Soap Opera Rapid-Aging Syndrome was incoming. But I kind of liked ... okay, adored beyond all human comprehension when Angel got cute with baby Connor (Truth be told, anytime Angel's been silly, he's more tolerable -- David's far more natural when he's goofy.), and then he had to get abducted and come back just begging for a smack. I loved the concept of Connor, but the execution left a lot to be desired. Like, say, an actual execution.
13. "Oh, I always lounge around in off-white angel robes. And yourself?" -- Cordy ascended. Unfortunately, so did my lunch. You could always tell when ME had had quite enough of a romantic pairing or any other fandom whining, because they whipped out the Special Crowbars of Plot Comprehension and beat the audience about the head with CORDY IS TOO GOOD FOR ANGEL and SPIKE IS NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE AN EVIL FUCKING BASTARD and IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL XANDER LOSES AN EYE.
14. "You blew up my karaoke bar and all I got was this lousy plotline!" -- Poor Lorne. For the only time ever, someone managed to make karaoke cool, and what did he get for his troubles? They blew up his nightclub, turned him into the cocktail-swilling wacky neighbor, then sent him off to the evil law firm to have his heart broken by professionals.
15. "Angel is never coming back to Sunnydale! Well, except for that one time ... oh, and then Buffy's mom died ... and then there was that baking metaphor ..." -- I don't think I disliked Angel's once-a-season return (at least, I think that was the average) so much as I disliked the fact that every return meant another round of online fandom squealing, "OMG Angel iz coming bak WTFmeant2be!1!!1" And now, every time I see those episodes, my brain bursts into annoyed, overstressed tears. Bah.
But now that I've said I could make a list of stuff that really, really, really angered me, I can't exactly stop myself from some hardcore bitching. I don't think I have to warn you that the opinions expressed herein are bound to piss somebody off. Therefore ...
The top fifteen things that pissed me off about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, in no particular order ...
1. "Vampires don't have souls! That's why they're evil!" -- Jesus, I hated that part of the mythology. All humans have souls, which is why they're good, which explains every fucked-up serial killer in the penal system. And all vampires don't have souls, which is why they're horribly evil and totally focused on killing humans, like Harmony or Holden or those vampires who would pause in the middle of a fight to banter with Buffy. I was willing to buy into that soul crap for a while, but when they started toying with it in plotlines to make Angel look more special, I took my ball and I went the fuck home.
2. "I'm a female role model! That means no nookie for me!" -- It's one of the more annoying cliches that happen to strong female characters. "I'm a strong female! I don't need a man, especially for sex! No, wait, maybe I need one for sex, hot sweaty marathon sex all over the ... wait, I was wrong! I'm a strong woman and I don't need a man! Strong women use vibrators! Aw, fuck it, strong women use the sheer power of their hormones to spontaneously climax, and the only time they ever need a man is to make ex-boyfriends jealous or perhaps to reach for a jar of peanut butter on the top shelf! Yay, strong women!" Yeah, uh-huh.
3. "You like Spike with Buffy?! It's off to the insane asylum with you, you sick fuck!" -- Yes, I liked Spike with Buffy. Sue me, but I'd sincerely appreciate it if you (meaning the writing team at ME) would never have given off that snotty attitude that those of us who were S/B 'shippers were masochistic abuse-addicts even before the attempted rape.
4. "We're going to give Spike a soul, and it'll be nothing like Angel!" -- Yeah, sure it won't. Except for the part where it totally was.
5. "HA! And you thought we were actually going to marry Xander and Anya! Pulled the wool over your eyes, didn't we? *cackles*" -- Tell you what. You take this spun-from-the-lame-television-series-cliche-flock wool and shove it into a uncomfortable place like the back seat of a Volkswagen.
6. "Riley Finn is a wonderful character whom Buffy would be a fool not to love!" -- Uh, no. He's sweet and all, but Spike gave him far too much credit when he compared him to cardboard, particularly any brand of cardboard smart enough to rank as a captain. And I say this as someone who liked Riley enough to admit that on another show, the character might actually have been interesting. But he was dropped among rich characters that made his sweetness look more like the cornfed blandness it could look like. And speaking of Riley ...
7. "This is my wife, Mary Sue. I made her out of cream cheese and kindergarten paste and won first prize in the art fair!" -- Marti Noxon could not afford a therapist. She could, however, afford to drag poor Riley back just to show off the fact that not only could he get a decent girl who didn't drive him to bloodletting, but he could get a freakin' Mary Sue. Beat that, She In Need of Nose Job!
8. "I've got ten bucks that says we can make the entire viewing audience of 'Angel' throw up at the exact same time just like in 'Stand By Me'!" -- I know they had to get to Jasmine somehow, but I also know that the scene where Cordy slept with Connor is now being used as an alternative to ipecac to get poisoned people to eject their stomach contents.
9. "Say, what's the expiration date on that lesbian again?" -- Right around the time that Tara got shot, someone on one of the lists I was on mentioned the dead lesbian rule, where the lesbian relationship on a TV series can only go on for so long before one of them has to die. Hearing that when Tara was dying onscreen made me long for the days when the show actually attempted to be original sometimes.
10. "I'm a Slayer, ask me how! No, seriously!" -- I wasn't even watching anymore by the time Willow whipped up that spell that made all the girls Slayers, but I winced just thinking about it. You made everybody Slayers? Well, that's nice. Now, how do you plan to explain the fact that hundreds if not thousands of young women and girls can suddenly lift a hundred pounds without breaking a sweat? Oh, I forgot. We're ending the series, so it doesn't really matter, does it?
11. "If you'll just excuse me, I'm off to mainline eye of newt. That shit's hardcore, ya'll." -- So Willow was addicted to magic, which is bad, because if you really any sympathy in Sunnydale, your frigid shrew of a girlfriend has to drive you to get vampire suck jobs in icky crack dens.
12. "Poof! I'm a grownup! Poof! I'm an asshole!" -- Well, really, the minute Darla turned up preggers with Angel's kid, you just knew a case of Soap Opera Rapid-Aging Syndrome was incoming. But I kind of liked ... okay, adored beyond all human comprehension when Angel got cute with baby Connor (Truth be told, anytime Angel's been silly, he's more tolerable -- David's far more natural when he's goofy.), and then he had to get abducted and come back just begging for a smack. I loved the concept of Connor, but the execution left a lot to be desired. Like, say, an actual execution.
13. "Oh, I always lounge around in off-white angel robes. And yourself?" -- Cordy ascended. Unfortunately, so did my lunch. You could always tell when ME had had quite enough of a romantic pairing or any other fandom whining, because they whipped out the Special Crowbars of Plot Comprehension and beat the audience about the head with CORDY IS TOO GOOD FOR ANGEL and SPIKE IS NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE AN EVIL FUCKING BASTARD and IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL XANDER LOSES AN EYE.
14. "You blew up my karaoke bar and all I got was this lousy plotline!" -- Poor Lorne. For the only time ever, someone managed to make karaoke cool, and what did he get for his troubles? They blew up his nightclub, turned him into the cocktail-swilling wacky neighbor, then sent him off to the evil law firm to have his heart broken by professionals.
15. "Angel is never coming back to Sunnydale! Well, except for that one time ... oh, and then Buffy's mom died ... and then there was that baking metaphor ..." -- I don't think I disliked Angel's once-a-season return (at least, I think that was the average) so much as I disliked the fact that every return meant another round of online fandom squealing, "OMG Angel iz coming bak WTFmeant2be!1!!1" And now, every time I see those episodes, my brain bursts into annoyed, overstressed tears. Bah.
