(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2004 10:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosI don't know about the rest of you, but I'm sick of debating the current presidential candidates based on some sort of group affiliation. Bush is a Republican, Kerry is a Democrat. Bush is a conservative, Kerry is a liberal. Bush is an asshole ... well, really, that's all I have to say on that.
We've debated the issues for the both of them based along party lines or merely personal beliefs, but at no time has anyone debated the issues based on a truly novel and honestly important viewpoint -- how the pair would vote if they were really the people we crack jokes about them resembling. With that in mind, I bring you:
Who should you vote for in the Presidential election: Herman Munster or a monkey?
Before we go on with the analyzing of the candidate's stances on the issues, let's introduce our guys.
Herman Munster lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane with his lovely wife Lily, his son Eddie, his father-in-law and his horribly deformed niece. Herman promises a chicken in every pot, a hearse in every garage, and that the dead will walk the earth by the end of next year.
The monkey lives at the zoo with four other monkeys, none of whom will give their official support to the candidate unless there are various tropical fruits donated to the cause. The monkey promises to replace the flinging of mud with the flinging of poo, to have "Bedtime for Bonzo" shown at the White House, and to elect Clint Eastwood to a Cabinet seat.
As for their running mates ...
Darth Vader is running as Vice President under the monkey, but will have no impact on the monkey's decisions as President because the monkey is smart enough to take care of himself and besides, that would just be silly. Darth Vader has two children who hate and despise him, and doesn't think that young people should have sex becauce when he was their age, he didn't have sexual tension with anyone or anything and he turned out okay. Well, except for that whole evil thing.
This Ken doll is running as Vice President under Herman Munster, but will not be wearing the outfit in this photo during his tenure. (Okay, maybe only if Herman requests it, and only the chaps if he manages world peace.) Ken likes long walks on the beach, sharing the same toybox with G.I. Joe, and having plastic, non-visible genitalia.
And now, onto the issues!
Abortion
The monkey really doesn't care about this particular issue, because this means more bananas for him.
On the other hand, Herman Munster was appalled that anyone would do this to a baby, until a reporter brought up his deformed niece, at which point he seemed to consider it.
Gay Marriage
Here is an issue which the monkey has made his own, because while the above photo makes him look more like a chimp, he would like to say that he is a proud bonobo and introduce to you his loving boyfriend, Steve. They are in a wonderful, happy relationship and would like to be able to tell the world in a beautiful ceremony, so the monkey plans to completely destroy plans for a Constitutional amendment.
Herman Munster has no official statement on this issue, but he does keep his short-pant-wearing son in a closet. Do with that information what you will.
Taxes
The monkey plans on raising taxes, but only enough to help sue The Monkees for defamation of character for making people think monkeys play in bands and act like dumbasses.
As for Herman Munster, he plans to lower taxes for humans by increasing the income taxes of the undead. However, he has yet to produce any paperwork to support this plan.
War in Iraq
The monkey took this opportunity to point out that if necessary, he has a friend on the Planet of the Apes who can get together a few hundred thousand troops, and have them down to Iraq. Herman Munster then argued that he could do the same thing with the legions of the undead, and then the poo started to fly.
Homeland Security
The monkey has sworn that he can get Grape Ape to patrol the nation's border to keep out terrorists. Herman Munster asked how the monkey planned to have one admittedly very large ape patrol the entirety of the nation's border, and the monkey quickly changed tactics, pointing out that Herman's sewn-on head looks French.
Organized religion
According to the monkey, organized religion is stupid, but I'm pretty sure the monkey is still smarting over that whole evolution thing.
As for Herman Munster, he's against organized religion, but only because when the overzealous gather in one place, it usually ends with them gathering torches and pitchforks as they march off to his house to set him on fire. But as long as you don't plan on getting together a lynch mob to destroy him, he supposed you're okay.
Sex and violence on TV
While Herman Munster was the first married man on TV to share a bed with his wife, he'd really appreciate it if you didn't watch that. As for violence on television, he's totally for that, because if it weren't for violence, he wouldn't be alive and his father-in-law wouldn't get to eat.
The monkey would answer to this particular issue, but there's a really good orgy happenin' on Animal Planet. Woohoo!
Health Care
The monkey has a distinct advantage with this issue, because he actually has health, while at least sixty percent of Herman Munster's family is clinically deceased. The monkey has sworn that he will try to get a universal health care system in place by the end of his first term, mostly by encouraging the populace to groom each other for lice.
Family Values
Herman Munster was very proud to announce at this point in the debate that his entire family was at the debate -- his beautiful yet worryingly pale wife Lily, his small, fanged son Eddie, his father-in-law Grandpa (who continued to stare at the Ken doll's neck with something akin to longing), and his physically deformed niece Marilyn, who he was quick to point out he'd taken in regardless of the fact that she was hideous beyond all comprehension.
The monkey took one look at Marilyn Munster and promptly pronounced Hermen Munster out of his fuckin' mind.
With that in mind ...
[Poll #362014]
We've debated the issues for the both of them based along party lines or merely personal beliefs, but at no time has anyone debated the issues based on a truly novel and honestly important viewpoint -- how the pair would vote if they were really the people we crack jokes about them resembling. With that in mind, I bring you:
Who should you vote for in the Presidential election: Herman Munster or a monkey?
Before we go on with the analyzing of the candidate's stances on the issues, let's introduce our guys.
Herman Munster lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane with his lovely wife Lily, his son Eddie, his father-in-law and his horribly deformed niece. Herman promises a chicken in every pot, a hearse in every garage, and that the dead will walk the earth by the end of next year.
The monkey lives at the zoo with four other monkeys, none of whom will give their official support to the candidate unless there are various tropical fruits donated to the cause. The monkey promises to replace the flinging of mud with the flinging of poo, to have "Bedtime for Bonzo" shown at the White House, and to elect Clint Eastwood to a Cabinet seat.
As for their running mates ...
Darth Vader is running as Vice President under the monkey, but will have no impact on the monkey's decisions as President because the monkey is smart enough to take care of himself and besides, that would just be silly. Darth Vader has two children who hate and despise him, and doesn't think that young people should have sex becauce when he was their age, he didn't have sexual tension with anyone or anything and he turned out okay. Well, except for that whole evil thing.
This Ken doll is running as Vice President under Herman Munster, but will not be wearing the outfit in this photo during his tenure. (Okay, maybe only if Herman requests it, and only the chaps if he manages world peace.) Ken likes long walks on the beach, sharing the same toybox with G.I. Joe, and having plastic, non-visible genitalia.
And now, onto the issues!
Abortion
The monkey really doesn't care about this particular issue, because this means more bananas for him.
On the other hand, Herman Munster was appalled that anyone would do this to a baby, until a reporter brought up his deformed niece, at which point he seemed to consider it.
Gay Marriage
Here is an issue which the monkey has made his own, because while the above photo makes him look more like a chimp, he would like to say that he is a proud bonobo and introduce to you his loving boyfriend, Steve. They are in a wonderful, happy relationship and would like to be able to tell the world in a beautiful ceremony, so the monkey plans to completely destroy plans for a Constitutional amendment.
Herman Munster has no official statement on this issue, but he does keep his short-pant-wearing son in a closet. Do with that information what you will.
Taxes
The monkey plans on raising taxes, but only enough to help sue The Monkees for defamation of character for making people think monkeys play in bands and act like dumbasses.
As for Herman Munster, he plans to lower taxes for humans by increasing the income taxes of the undead. However, he has yet to produce any paperwork to support this plan.
War in Iraq
The monkey took this opportunity to point out that if necessary, he has a friend on the Planet of the Apes who can get together a few hundred thousand troops, and have them down to Iraq. Herman Munster then argued that he could do the same thing with the legions of the undead, and then the poo started to fly.
Homeland Security
The monkey has sworn that he can get Grape Ape to patrol the nation's border to keep out terrorists. Herman Munster asked how the monkey planned to have one admittedly very large ape patrol the entirety of the nation's border, and the monkey quickly changed tactics, pointing out that Herman's sewn-on head looks French.
Organized religion
According to the monkey, organized religion is stupid, but I'm pretty sure the monkey is still smarting over that whole evolution thing.
As for Herman Munster, he's against organized religion, but only because when the overzealous gather in one place, it usually ends with them gathering torches and pitchforks as they march off to his house to set him on fire. But as long as you don't plan on getting together a lynch mob to destroy him, he supposed you're okay.
Sex and violence on TV
While Herman Munster was the first married man on TV to share a bed with his wife, he'd really appreciate it if you didn't watch that. As for violence on television, he's totally for that, because if it weren't for violence, he wouldn't be alive and his father-in-law wouldn't get to eat.
The monkey would answer to this particular issue, but there's a really good orgy happenin' on Animal Planet. Woohoo!
Health Care
The monkey has a distinct advantage with this issue, because he actually has health, while at least sixty percent of Herman Munster's family is clinically deceased. The monkey has sworn that he will try to get a universal health care system in place by the end of his first term, mostly by encouraging the populace to groom each other for lice.
Family Values
Herman Munster was very proud to announce at this point in the debate that his entire family was at the debate -- his beautiful yet worryingly pale wife Lily, his small, fanged son Eddie, his father-in-law Grandpa (who continued to stare at the Ken doll's neck with something akin to longing), and his physically deformed niece Marilyn, who he was quick to point out he'd taken in regardless of the fact that she was hideous beyond all comprehension.
The monkey took one look at Marilyn Munster and promptly pronounced Hermen Munster out of his fuckin' mind.
With that in mind ...
[Poll #362014]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:10 am (UTC)*Writes hers out for the monkey*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 09:10 am (UTC)-blue
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 09:38 am (UTC)Also, who the hell does Steve correlate to? Cheney? *shudder*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 09:42 am (UTC)But... but I thought Cheney was Mr. Burns?
Anyway, given that we're apparently going for Imperialism At All Costs no matter who gets elected, I guess Vader will at least do the thing efficiently.
(...That was a joke. ^ ^)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 09:56 am (UTC)So I guess I voted for him because Darth Vader, unlike Hayden Christensen, is cool.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:18 am (UTC)Wonderful post.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:01 pm (UTC)And is your username based on David Henry Hwang's M Butterfly? Freaky film, that.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 10:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 11:50 am (UTC)Love cheese. Except it's really bad for my chest infection. Damn dairy products.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-06 02:07 pm (UTC)