Spoilers ahead, as usual ...

[apocalypsos]

Constantine: A Review in Q&A Form

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been -- what year is this again? -- oh, a fuckin' long time since my last confession.

What are you doing?

I'm juggling chainsaws. What does it sound like I'm doing?

It sounds like you're confessing.

Uh, yeah, I kinda am.

What to?

Liking Constantine.

Ooo. That's pretty bad. You go straight to Hell for that one, don't you?

Actually, no, there's a layover in Utica.

Ah. But it couldn't have been that good.

Of course it wasn't good, but it didn't suck as bad as I thought it would. I expected that movie to be so bad, I thought I'd come out of that theater with a full-body hickey.

Enough worry over your eternal damnation. See any good trailers?

I thought I was going to see Hitchhiker's Guide on the big screen, I saw House of Wax. Someone must pay for this.

House Of Wax?

Yes, starring Paris Hilton, Actress of Wax.

Oh, she is not made of wax.

Okay, true.

I mean, if she were made out of wax, she'd be able to reshape that lump of putty she calls a nose, and --

Yeah, I get the point. Can we talk about somebody who's not a skank now?

So does this mean we can't talk about Keanu Reeves now?

Sure we can. Paris is a skank, Keanu is a ho'. Huge difference.

All right, already. Who's in this movie anyway?

Keanu Reeves ... Well, really.

Angela Dodson ... Cop with a telephone collection that all ring at the same time when the plot calls for it. Also had a nutty twin sister who saw demons and dead people and was probably loads more interesting, so of course she flung herself off a building.

Midnite ... Owner of a wicked-cool supernatural bar that's supposed to be a safe haven, which means of course that everybody feels the need to go there and have hissy fits. Dresses like a middle-aged white golfer trying to be a pimp, but hey, whatever works.

Chaz ... Constantine's wannabe sidekick. Just like in I, Robot, Shia LaBeouf wears a stupid hat. Unlike in I, Robot, they let him spew exposition like a literary volcano erupting and allow him to say a few words that actually consist of more than one syllable. So, you know, good for him.

Beeman ... Constantine's twitchy fake Q. Trades a bowling bag full of supernatural goodies for a little plastic barrel thingy that makes a cow moo, so obviously must have learned the concept of how the barter system works from Ebay.

Balthazar ... A half-demon drowning in lusty, well-attired infatuation with Constantine. Wait, I'm sorry. When I said, "drowing in lusty, well-attired infatuation," I meant ... Actually, come to think of it, that's exactly what I meant. Oh, wait, I know where I was going. When I said, "with Constantine," I meant, "with everyone."

Gabriel ... The best reason to give up that lapsed-Catholic crap. *enthusiastically waves* Hi, Gabriel! I love you lots! I don't care if I'm straight and you're played by a chick! Can I be snarky and androgynous and two-faced like you when I grow up? *flings panties*

Let's ramble. I heard Constantine has lung cancer.

Yes, but that's what happens when you smoke in the bathtub, in your sleep, after coming back from Hell, and quite possibly after going back in time and redoing every day three times over specifically to smoke some more.

Hey, how's Keanu do with that whole "acting like an asshole" thing?

You know when you go to your grandma's house for the weekend, you've just gotten back from Sunday church services, you stub your toe so hard on the coffee table you're sure you broke it, and you have to restrain yourself from screaming, "YOU MEALY-MOUTHED CROTCH PHEASANT!" by saying something like, "Oh ... cheese" or something stupid like that? Yeah, it's like that.

What kind of kickass weapons does Constantine have, anyway?

Oh, you know, the usual. A couple of light bulbs full of holy water, a beetle in a box, and the kind of gun you'd expect to see if Smith & Wesson and the Vatican went into business together. And also, an astounding lack of casualwear.

Isn't Constantine supposed to look like he's been brutally beaten around by life?

Yeah, I guess.

But Keanu Reeves looks like he's been lightly slapped by life's colic-ridden toddler!

Or, you know, sexually assaulted by life's horny, drunken sister. Which, you know ... understandable.

I'll bet Balthazar's really spooky.

Oh, yeah, Gavin Rossdale's just a big pile of scary. You know, if you consider a look that says, "They're coming to get you, Gwen Stefani," as an actual threat.

So, what's Hell like?

Oh, it's swell. It's all fiery and post-apocalyptic-looking and it's filled with ugly demons!

How long did it take before you started considering buying a summer home there?

What do you mean, started considering? I've got a good offer in for that two-bedroom burnt-out shell next to the flaming pile of wreckage. I'm moving in next Thursday. Yay, me!

Can we bury the use of the phrase, "I don't believe in God/Satan/Bigfoot/Santa/The Easter Bunny/Corey Feldman," only to have some yahoo respond, "Too bad, because God/Satan/Bigfoot/Santa/The Easter Bunny/Corey Feldman believe in you"?

Yes, can we please? Because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here if God didn't believe in me, but I think Bigfoot tells bedtime stories about me to his kids and Corey Feldman would probably just rather have a sandwich.

Hey, I read the books, and at the end when Constantine's lung cancer was cured, Constantine went back to smoking and a future full of another round of I'm-A-Stupid-Git lung cancer! In the movie, he chews gum at the end! What the hell's going on?!

Oh, you must have missed the extra scene at the end of the credits where six months afterwards, Constantine goes to the dentist and finds out he has a lethal case of gum disease.

So, I'll bet Constantine and Angela had tons of chemistry.

*sigh* Look, you, just because a secondary character has a uterus does not mean the main male character has to have chemistry with them, especially if both of them have the personalities of wadded-up paper towels and day-old grits, respectively.

That's a lot of personality for those two.

I know, isn't it? They're better not use that all up, or they won't have any left for the sequel.

Sequel? What sequel? Good Lord, is that really necessary?

Yes. And it's going to be called Gabriel Is My New Questionably Sexual Love Muffin, and it's just going to be about me trailing after Gabriel with a swoony expression and a pink fuzzy autograph book clutched happily to my chest.

Comments

[thornsilver]

Hmmm... I want to see this now. *slaps self*

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Just keep your expectations low ... really low ... and you'll be fine. ;)

[xerne.livejournal.com]

I... I... but my soul! It burns!

I just really don't know if I can separate the John Constantine, Sting-looking bastard that I have crushed on for years and years from Keanu Constantine.

... How pretty is Gabriel?

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

Ditto. I mean, Constantine is not. a nice. man. He is the Righteous King Of All Bastards, and he deserved the title.

But maybe I'm biased. Mebby he can pull it off.

Can we kill Trollprincess if he can't for lulling us into a false sense of security?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Okay, that much, I have to call him on. He does try to be a bitchy little snot, but he's just so very ... not good at it. Seriously, every rude line he said, I felt like saying, "Awwww, look at the widdle baby try to curse" and patting him on the head. If I sound more threatening when I curse than you do, that's not good.

But he was really trying, the poor dope.

[seferin.livejournal.com]

Huh. How would Peter Wingfield have been as Constantine, do you think? Or perhaps Colin Farrell? Rufus Sewel?

[farohji.livejournal.com]

How would Peter Wingfield have been as Constantine, do you think?

now there's a good idea. i was trying to think of a suitable british actor, can't believe i didn't think of him.

[herdivineshadow]

suitable british actor


Paul Bettany. :)

[fyrdrakken]

Anthony Stewart Head, always and forever. Constantine is Band Candy Giles.

[jamoche]

Peter Wingfield? Constantine?

keels over in a puddle of lust

[dragonwhishes.livejournal.com]

Hey, as long as he tried. I'll give the guy credit as long as he tried.

I'm calling the main character Jacob Richardson and thinking that its set in his universe, Mr. Richardson met or at least saw Johny boy in action once, and is trying really, really hard to be just like him.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Think of it as not-unredeemably-mangled AU fic. It's an awfully pretty movie, in terms of Hell and the settings and whatnot. And Gabriel is pretty, smug and snarky in a very fun way, but then again, Gabriel's played by Tilda Swinton, who does way-cool androgynous like a pro.

Keanu Constantine is ... well, okay, he's not the original JC (which I only know from fanfic at Subreality, but whatever) but he does better than I thought he would. Not that it makes him as good as another actor could have done in the role (somebody else suggested that if they wanted an American actor, they should have gone with Denis Leary, and OMG YESYESYES), but for him, it was okay.

[bnh.livejournal.com]

somebody else suggested that if they wanted an American actor, they should have gone with Denis Leary, and OMG YESYESYES

...ohgod. *swoon*

Hadn't thought of Leary

[lurkingheretic.livejournal.com]

On community any1_but_keanu and ban_constantine we'd decided if we had to go American we'd go Kiefer Sutherland. Alas, he was busy...and isn't he Canadian?

[little-spyke.livejournal.com]

Ooo. That's pretty bad. You go straight to Hell for that one, don't you?

Actually, no, there's a layover in Utica.

Assuming you haven't gotten metaquotes shy, I'd like to drag you and that line over there ... permission?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Sure, go ahead. And thanks. :)

[little-spyke.livejournal.com]

DONE. (http://www.livejournal.com/community/metaquotes/2591167.html)

May your LJ fame grow, and entice you to keep readers snickering for many more days! Thanks for the laugh. Now I have to see the movie :)

[malhablada.livejournal.com]

Ewww. I watched exactly enough of that trailer to see Paris Hilton (about 2 seconds) before I ran screaming in the opposite direction.

You're right. If you were expecting Hitchhiker's... and you got that, you have every right to be pissed.

*settles in to read the rest of the review*

[malhablada.livejournal.com]

See, I should have read the rest of the review before I posted. Then I would have had to watch the trailer... :P

Oh, and "[ ] has the personality of wadded up paper towels" is now my official insult of the week.

[swingangel.livejournal.com]

House of Wax.....god that looks bad....not that with Paris Hilton I was expecting Oscar caliber, but still. Ah well, it looks like she dies in it, which means I will at least see it. Maybe.

[teleute12.livejournal.com]

Oh my GOD I love your icon.

[swingangel.livejournal.com]

As do I :) It is totally snaggable, as long as you credit the maker.....

[spike2127.livejournal.com]

Saw the movie. Haven't read series. Really enjoyed heaven/hell theme. This reminded me a little of Hellboy. Don't ask why. I give the movie 6.5 out of 10.

Enjoyed your review.

[lannamichaels]

*actually sporfled while reading this*

Fantastic! went to see it today, and omg, Balthasar really was shagging the entire population of hell and earth combined. And Constantine.

[ingole.livejournal.com]

Too much Family Guy for you. :)

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Hee. My brother and I still insult each other with that one. ;)

[jaie.livejournal.com]

Saw you over in metaquotes very funny post. Have to say that while Keanu is wonderful eyecandy I am not impressed by an actor whose greatest ability is to say the word "duuuuude" in so many emotes.

[amand-r.livejournal.com]

Just got back. I was pleasantly surprised, pretty much because I expected sentinels to attack and for him to jack into the matrix. Instead, he just smoked a lot and didn't even have to brush his hair back with an irritating head twitch.

[kassandra05.livejournal.com]

You kill me. Thank you for these reviews.

[mayatawi.livejournal.com]

six months afterwards, Constantine goes to the dentist and finds out he has a lethal case of gum disease.

Okay, I officially went "BWAH!" Out loud.

[blackgarden.livejournal.com]

Owner of a wicked-cool supernatural bar that's supposed to be a safe haven, which means of course that everybody feels the need to go there and have hissy fits.

Caritas?

What I don't get is why some fantastic casting was done -- Djimon Honsou and Tilda Swinton, and even the surprisingly good Gavin Rossdale -- and then they went and ruined it by giving such a strong character to frigging Neo. Bogus, dude.

But, I've complained about that enough to fulfill my fan quota.

I always wanted to see Hugh Laurie as Conjob. Stephen Fry could've been Chas. Would've been brilliant. :P

[whitewithsnow.livejournal.com]

...So in the end, is it worth the ticket price? It can't get more funny than you review. Thanks.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

If you go to a matinee and don't expect too much, it's not bad. Focus on the pretty, 'cause the best part of it is that because it's directed by a music video director, between the visuals and the actors, it's serious eye candy.

[opportunemoment.livejournal.com]

Damn it. I want so much to hate this film, and I know I'm not going to. My main reason to be pissed off with this is that it'll only encourage the hollywood twats to make more adaptations of books I like with utterly stupid casting and character changes (*cough*leagueofextraordinarygentlemen*cough*).

[akacat]

I just got back from seeing it. I think I was the only person in the theater who waited through the credits for the closing scene. Did you see it? (Hint: dentistry wasn't actually featured, although smoking was alluded to. Also, it was Chaz's best scene.)

Gabriel... very pretty. Very psycho. Remember to carry a tranq gun when you stalk her.

I got to see both the HGttG and 'House of Wax' trailers. I really thought HoW was the perfect setting for Paris Hilton. She looked almost as realistic as the wax people.

[fyrdrakken]

Damn, I didn't stay all through the credits.

[ayrdaomei.livejournal.com]

I'm all for a sequel where the Devil has a big role. Cause he was awesome ^_~

[virgulesmith.livejournal.com]

A. I adored the angelic wings. Really really. I just did ok? It made me think pervy fanficcy things. Yes it did. So sue me.

B. I think Dodson totally was hot for Constantine, and he was all waiting for some androgynous angel who wasn't Gabriel. cough*Justin*cough Cause Gabriel was pissing him bad, yo. And he totally knew Dodson was hot for him, and was like, oh how cute. But I like your dead sister better. Or a guy, but not you.

C. I actually, against my better judgement, enjoyed the hell out of the movie. Dammit.

[wyldkyss.livejournal.com]

Oh GOD House of Wax looks so horrible, I showed everyone the trailer last night when we were drinking.

And you know what? After a lot of rum it STILL looks bad.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The only reason I might watch that movie is because Chad Michael Murray is awfully pretty. But then again, that's what Google Images is for.

[wyldkyss.livejournal.com]

Maybe we can just look at his pictures online, and just rent the old 50's original instead.

[storm_dancer]

We saw trailers for Batman, Hitchhiker's (GLEE SQUARED), and House of Wax. At least maybe they'll kill Paris first...

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Ooo, we got the Batman one, too. The guy a few seats down from me got all excited when he figured out what it was for. Hee.

[ex-coyotesda457.livejournal.com]

Gabriel was indeed quite hot. Though they didn't do the best job of binding the chest in the whole "all white" getup.