Deadly Harvest: Part Two
Mar. 13th, 2005 10:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosAnd now for yet another section of that wonderful "classic disaster movie," Deadly Harvest. (Part one of which can be found here.)
So Geraint Wyn Davies drives up to a ... gas station? Garage? Hell, I don't know. He walks in looking for Frank Wilcox, who exposition tells us is some annoying deputy with a cause and who the sandwich and milk he's eating tells us that he's been raiding Dad's mustache. Apparently, he's like the Godfather, but with cows. Of course, he'll need you to bribe him with food, Geraint Wyn Davies. You do have fooooood, don't you? Hey, how much for your women?
Geraint Wyn Davies has a proposition. Oh, God, this better not have been some sort of seventies pre-slash or something. Oh, good, it's not that. But Geraint Wyn Davies will become one of his little flunkies, but they'll be protecting his family's farm for free. "I'm good with a gun," he says, with his nostrils flaring and his full, pouty lips pursed in such a way that you know he'd make out better if he signed up to be a high-class hooker.
We cut abruptly away from Geraint Wyn Davies proclaiming how good he is with his gun to his Kim Cattrall-looking sister being fitted into a wedding gown. Insert incestuous film segue debates here. The dress, by the way, could only cover up more of her if surgeons came in and started wrapping her internal organs with white silk. All she needs is a pillowcase over her head and this movie'll suddenly find itself on the same shelf as American History X in Blockbuster. Kim Cattrall complains that her dress needs to be taken in around the middle. Mom says, "Well, we used to eat better when we were your age," and then they have a good laugh, because mass starvation is hilaaaaaarious. Dad shows up and compliments the dress, and Kim Cattrall runs off to go look in a full-length mirror, and maybe trowel on some more lip gloss while she's up there.
Mom starts putting things away and bursts into tears. It's pointless to get married, she says, if you're going to face a life of starvation. Wait, weren't we giggling about forced weight loss five minutes ago? Oh, I'm so confused. So Dad and Mom go into this big ramble about blah blah starving children cakes. Mom wonders what kind of world they're passing onto their children. Well, the kind of world where "starving children cakes" are actually on menus, I guess.
Meanwhile, outside Dorky Fiance is working on the tractor when it starts snowing. Snow in August? Where the hell do these people live? Apocaweatheropolis? Suddenly, Geraint Wyn Davies shows up in his pickup truck and bitches at Dorky Fiance. "We don't need your kind around here!" Oh, come on, I don't think this guy is that bad, Geraint Wyn Davies. Wool Hat shows up to defend Dorky Fiance. Oh, lovely. That's just who you want backing you up, Dorky Fiance ... a moron who was running off with her cow to be in a bad Pat Benatar video. (And no, that's not redundant. Shut up.) Geraint Wyn Davies yells out, "You city bastards are all the same! You come out here and steal our food!" But I thought he was there to marry Kim Cattrall. Egads! No, Geraint Wyn Davies, eat the other sister. She's smaller, but she's less fat.
GWD trails after Dorky Fiance into the barn yelling about buying land for cheap and paying only back taxes for some other guy's farm and shut UP, GWD. "You're just marrying [Kim Cattrall] to get to our food!" GWD accuses. Yes, because marrying someone who looks like a young Kim Cattrall has no other advantages than a stocked refrigerator. So then GWD hits Dorky Fiance, and Dorky Fiance hits GWD, and so on and so on. Oh, my God, did they just pick up the camera off the tripod and move it? Blasphemy! The camera must stay in one place forever! Have we learned nothing from the earlier scenes of this movie?
So Dorky Fiance and GWD roll around in the hay in a completely non-porn way, thank God. (By the way, the most recent acting job I can find for the actor who played Dorky Fiance was as the voice of Tenderheart Bear in a Care Bears movie. Now there's a fight I want to see: Nick Knight vs. Tenderheart Bear. Tenderheart would fight dirty, of course, but that's to be expected.) At one point, GWD does, in fact, kick Dorky Fiance right in the ass. Oh, he's gonna need that, GWD. So they fight some more, and some more, aaaaaaaaaand Jesus, there's just going to keep doing this until they can justify paying a sound guy to come in and hit a pork roast with a Wifflebat in a bad studio, aren't they?
Dad shows up, along with everybody else in the family, and pries the two apart. GWD gets all pissy when Kim Cattrall fawns all over Dorky Fiance. You know, right now even Boone from Lost is going, "Dude, that's not right." So GWD snots that Dorky Fiance is more Dad's son than he is, and ewwwww, let's lay off the incest hints already. Then he storms out and says he's going to join up with Frank Wilcox, who I assume will give him sandwiches and won't molest his sister. "Frank Wilcox will turn you into a killer!" Dad yells after him.
Cut to a shooting range where bottles are being shot off a fence. Oh, those poor bottles! They died for YOU! Anyway, GWD takes over the gun. Apparently, he's a good shot.
Mom and Dad dig out a tank for "the project" from under some lumber in the barn. Yay! We're going to learn about hydroponics today, boys and girls. Now, according to this movie, we need to put water and minerals intozzzzzzzzzz. I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, in the middle of High-Powered Hydroponics ACTION!!!
Wool Hat is out feeding the chickens when Charles and Gleeful Dad show up. Hi, Charles and Gleeful Dad! Where the hell have you guys been? Did you have to stop at the emergency room because you could stop spewing exposition? Charles and Gleeful Dad beg for food, because the cities have run out of it. Dad expresses sympathy as a croissant and three corn muffins fall from his mustache into his mouth. Gleeful Dad says the government is lying about having enough food to feed everyone and there is martial law and curfews now. Then Gleeful Dad plays the sick child card, and as usual, I'd really like to know what this kid has. What if they give food to these people and it turns out this kid's only got a severe case of split ends? Wool Hat offers up her dinner for the sick kid. Oh, yeah, Wool Hat, that'll get her through the winter.
Prpoerly chastised, Dad says, "My daughter's just reminded me of something. We raised her to be a human being." Well, God, I hope so. Could you imagine if they'd raised her to be a llama? Sure, there'd be spit everywhere, but think of all the sweaters!
And now it's off the kitchen, where Wool Hat presents Gleeful Dad with warm eggs "fresh from the chicken." Ewww. Gleeful Dad calls it a "miracle." I've said it before and I'll say it again -- something that's naturally occurring like women having babies or chickens laying eggs is not a miracle, for crying out loud. Now, if Dad suddenly offered to unhook his overalls, drop his pants, and present them right then and there with fresh, warm eggs, that would be a miracle. Mom and Dad bring up Kim Cattrall's wedding. Charles wishes they had something to give them, so Gleeful Dad says how his wife died last year before presenting his wedding ring as a gift to the couple.
So then Charles and Gleeful Dad take off, loaded up with two boxes of food that should last them ... oh, about a day. And that's if they keep it down to brunch and teatime.
Next up: Geraint Wyn Davies assaults people on the highway, and not in the good way.
So Geraint Wyn Davies drives up to a ... gas station? Garage? Hell, I don't know. He walks in looking for Frank Wilcox, who exposition tells us is some annoying deputy with a cause and who the sandwich and milk he's eating tells us that he's been raiding Dad's mustache. Apparently, he's like the Godfather, but with cows. Of course, he'll need you to bribe him with food, Geraint Wyn Davies. You do have fooooood, don't you? Hey, how much for your women?
Geraint Wyn Davies has a proposition. Oh, God, this better not have been some sort of seventies pre-slash or something. Oh, good, it's not that. But Geraint Wyn Davies will become one of his little flunkies, but they'll be protecting his family's farm for free. "I'm good with a gun," he says, with his nostrils flaring and his full, pouty lips pursed in such a way that you know he'd make out better if he signed up to be a high-class hooker.
We cut abruptly away from Geraint Wyn Davies proclaiming how good he is with his gun to his Kim Cattrall-looking sister being fitted into a wedding gown. Insert incestuous film segue debates here. The dress, by the way, could only cover up more of her if surgeons came in and started wrapping her internal organs with white silk. All she needs is a pillowcase over her head and this movie'll suddenly find itself on the same shelf as American History X in Blockbuster. Kim Cattrall complains that her dress needs to be taken in around the middle. Mom says, "Well, we used to eat better when we were your age," and then they have a good laugh, because mass starvation is hilaaaaaarious. Dad shows up and compliments the dress, and Kim Cattrall runs off to go look in a full-length mirror, and maybe trowel on some more lip gloss while she's up there.
Mom starts putting things away and bursts into tears. It's pointless to get married, she says, if you're going to face a life of starvation. Wait, weren't we giggling about forced weight loss five minutes ago? Oh, I'm so confused. So Dad and Mom go into this big ramble about blah blah starving children cakes. Mom wonders what kind of world they're passing onto their children. Well, the kind of world where "starving children cakes" are actually on menus, I guess.
Meanwhile, outside Dorky Fiance is working on the tractor when it starts snowing. Snow in August? Where the hell do these people live? Apocaweatheropolis? Suddenly, Geraint Wyn Davies shows up in his pickup truck and bitches at Dorky Fiance. "We don't need your kind around here!" Oh, come on, I don't think this guy is that bad, Geraint Wyn Davies. Wool Hat shows up to defend Dorky Fiance. Oh, lovely. That's just who you want backing you up, Dorky Fiance ... a moron who was running off with her cow to be in a bad Pat Benatar video. (And no, that's not redundant. Shut up.) Geraint Wyn Davies yells out, "You city bastards are all the same! You come out here and steal our food!" But I thought he was there to marry Kim Cattrall. Egads! No, Geraint Wyn Davies, eat the other sister. She's smaller, but she's less fat.
GWD trails after Dorky Fiance into the barn yelling about buying land for cheap and paying only back taxes for some other guy's farm and shut UP, GWD. "You're just marrying [Kim Cattrall] to get to our food!" GWD accuses. Yes, because marrying someone who looks like a young Kim Cattrall has no other advantages than a stocked refrigerator. So then GWD hits Dorky Fiance, and Dorky Fiance hits GWD, and so on and so on. Oh, my God, did they just pick up the camera off the tripod and move it? Blasphemy! The camera must stay in one place forever! Have we learned nothing from the earlier scenes of this movie?
So Dorky Fiance and GWD roll around in the hay in a completely non-porn way, thank God. (By the way, the most recent acting job I can find for the actor who played Dorky Fiance was as the voice of Tenderheart Bear in a Care Bears movie. Now there's a fight I want to see: Nick Knight vs. Tenderheart Bear. Tenderheart would fight dirty, of course, but that's to be expected.) At one point, GWD does, in fact, kick Dorky Fiance right in the ass. Oh, he's gonna need that, GWD. So they fight some more, and some more, aaaaaaaaaand Jesus, there's just going to keep doing this until they can justify paying a sound guy to come in and hit a pork roast with a Wifflebat in a bad studio, aren't they?
Dad shows up, along with everybody else in the family, and pries the two apart. GWD gets all pissy when Kim Cattrall fawns all over Dorky Fiance. You know, right now even Boone from Lost is going, "Dude, that's not right." So GWD snots that Dorky Fiance is more Dad's son than he is, and ewwwww, let's lay off the incest hints already. Then he storms out and says he's going to join up with Frank Wilcox, who I assume will give him sandwiches and won't molest his sister. "Frank Wilcox will turn you into a killer!" Dad yells after him.
Cut to a shooting range where bottles are being shot off a fence. Oh, those poor bottles! They died for YOU! Anyway, GWD takes over the gun. Apparently, he's a good shot.
Mom and Dad dig out a tank for "the project" from under some lumber in the barn. Yay! We're going to learn about hydroponics today, boys and girls. Now, according to this movie, we need to put water and minerals intozzzzzzzzzz. I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, in the middle of High-Powered Hydroponics ACTION!!!
Wool Hat is out feeding the chickens when Charles and Gleeful Dad show up. Hi, Charles and Gleeful Dad! Where the hell have you guys been? Did you have to stop at the emergency room because you could stop spewing exposition? Charles and Gleeful Dad beg for food, because the cities have run out of it. Dad expresses sympathy as a croissant and three corn muffins fall from his mustache into his mouth. Gleeful Dad says the government is lying about having enough food to feed everyone and there is martial law and curfews now. Then Gleeful Dad plays the sick child card, and as usual, I'd really like to know what this kid has. What if they give food to these people and it turns out this kid's only got a severe case of split ends? Wool Hat offers up her dinner for the sick kid. Oh, yeah, Wool Hat, that'll get her through the winter.
Prpoerly chastised, Dad says, "My daughter's just reminded me of something. We raised her to be a human being." Well, God, I hope so. Could you imagine if they'd raised her to be a llama? Sure, there'd be spit everywhere, but think of all the sweaters!
And now it's off the kitchen, where Wool Hat presents Gleeful Dad with warm eggs "fresh from the chicken." Ewww. Gleeful Dad calls it a "miracle." I've said it before and I'll say it again -- something that's naturally occurring like women having babies or chickens laying eggs is not a miracle, for crying out loud. Now, if Dad suddenly offered to unhook his overalls, drop his pants, and present them right then and there with fresh, warm eggs, that would be a miracle. Mom and Dad bring up Kim Cattrall's wedding. Charles wishes they had something to give them, so Gleeful Dad says how his wife died last year before presenting his wedding ring as a gift to the couple.
So then Charles and Gleeful Dad take off, loaded up with two boxes of food that should last them ... oh, about a day. And that's if they keep it down to brunch and teatime.
Next up: Geraint Wyn Davies assaults people on the highway, and not in the good way.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 03:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 04:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 12:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:29 am (UTC)Now there's a fight I want to see: Nick Knight vs. Tenderheart Bear.
because marrying someone who looks like a young Kim Cattrall has no other advantages than a stocked refrigerator.
The dress, by the way, could only cover up more of her if surgeons came in and started wrapping her internal organs with white silk.
Properly chastised, Dad says, "My daughter's just reminded me of something. We raised her to be a human being." Well, God, I hope so. Could you imagine if they'd raised her to be a llama?
I'm dying of laughter here. Brilliant job.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 02:28 am (UTC)However, I'm not taking my fanfic to that level.
Crap...maybe...
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 05:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 01:35 pm (UTC)