(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

I'm bored. Tell me a joke? Pleeeeease? :)

Comments

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

Two guys walk into a bar! The third guy ducks!

Nyuck nyuck nyuck!

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

Ooooh we telling bad jokes?

As a linguist here's my favorite:

"What's brown and sticky?"





... A stick!

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

Also, where do you find a Turtle with no legs?




Right where you left it.





I have a large collection of dead baby jokes too if anyone wants.

not a joke but . . .

[tree220.livejournal.com]

here's my bowling scores for today:

93 77 75

[ckalenda.livejournal.com]

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up, frowns, and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

It's lraiman's fault, I swear. :D

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

I LOVE that joke!

[timba.livejournal.com]

(ok, I love puns. So you get puns.)

How does a man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?
If it had four, it'd bea chicken sedan!

:>

[joanypoo.livejournal.com]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and a philosopher?

A person who keeps himself up all night wondering whether or not there is a Dog.

[beccak1961.livejournal.com]

DAM- Mothers against dyslexics

*snort*

[rpp.livejournal.com]

I don't have a joke, but I saw a funny cartoon today. A sad-looking snowman was holding a blowdryer to his head while another snowman yelled "Carl, no!"

...Okay, so it's possible that only made me laugh because I'm sleep-deprived and sugar high.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

How many Technical Support operators does it take to change a lightbulb ?

- We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

What do you call someone else's cheese?

Nacho cheese!

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. "You can't drive around with all those penguins," he tells the man. "You need to take them to the zoo." "Good idea," replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive away. The next day, the same cop notices the same station wagon drive by. This time, he notices that all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo, sir!" he tells the driver emphatically. "But I did, officer. And they liked it so much that today we're going to the beach."

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.

Or, if you prefer: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored power tools.

[boozinjoebubala.livejournal.com]

this is my new favorite joke, ever

[overloved.livejournal.com]

why do scotsmen wear kilts?


sheep can hear zippers!

[ampersand.livejournal.com]

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two! One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis.

[ampersand.livejournal.com]

Ladder! I meant ladder!

[overloved.livejournal.com]

why don't women need watches?

there are clocks on stoves!

[sashimi-san.livejournal.com]

*bitchslap*

[insidian.livejournal.com]

How many humorless Conservatives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Look here, young person, I'm disgusted you used the word 'screw' in a sentence, especially in conjunctification with the word lightbulb. Can't we have good, moral lightbulbs anymore? Or maybe with your liberal bias, you can't see a lightbulb without screwing it. Sick freak.

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

Kinda related to:

"How many homophobes does it take to change a lightbulb."


"Only one, because god forbid you have two men screwing in the dark"

Oooh, this is bad.

[rowanberries.livejournal.com]

I shall quote you one. :)

So this friend of mine got these new shoes. 'Smart shoes' they were called. They were a neat idea, no matter how blind drunk he got, they could always get him home safe from the pub. But the shoes started getting bored, just going from the flat to his local and back every single day, so they started changing the route more and more. They weren't being malicious or anything, they just wanted to see the world, you know?

Well, one evening he got completely ratted and woke up the next morning in Burma. That was when he knew he has to get rid of them, so he tried selling them. But it made no difference - whenever he sent them off, they always showed up again the next day. He tried locking them up in a cupboard, but they just kicked the door down. Eventually they went stir-crazy, and tried stealing a car, but ended up driving into a canal. Couldn't steer, y'see?

He felt sorry for them then. He got more and more cut up about it, and eventually went to see a priest. The priest told him it was all right, and not to worry because the shoes were happy and had gone to heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

Re: Oooh, this is bad.

[tronella.livejournal.com]

Hold on... how did they open the car door?
*points* Red Dwarf! Yay! :D

[azzinita.livejournal.com]

What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

[culzean.livejournal.com]

notice on a whorehouse door::

"beat it! We're closed"

[octopedingenue]

America's UnFunniest Senators!

You asked for it

[illian.livejournal.com]

So...these two uni students - we'll give them names for the sake of convenience, say, Rose and Fred - meet at lunchtime in a trendy multicultural-menu cafe on the banks of the Yarra and order an eclectic meal that includes traditional Indian dishes.

Rose, who is reading her degree in Media Studies, tells Fred that she's having trouble with her latest assignment; she has to write an essay deconstructing the phenomenon of bread-and-circuses reality telly, touching in particular on the famous Gotti crime family and the way Victoria Gotti, with her Effie coiffure, Dallas-manqué shoulder pads and alarmingly hair-gelled sons, has become something of a strangely poignant victim figure. "The thing is," Rose says as she toys with her mediocre curry that sits morosely in its pool of overenthusiastically-applied, traditional-Indian clarified butter, "I made a big noise about wanting more of a challenge. So I said, like, I'd do it all in verse. Like a Norse saga, you know? Or an Eisteddfod entry. Only I'm crap at writing poetry..."

"Well, I can give you a hand with that," says Fred. "I'm good at poetry. And I'm bored. My Serial Killers of the Twentieth Century course is rubbish."

"Mmmm," says Rose. "That kind of negates the point of wanting a challenge. But I'll think about it. Lemme sleep on it."

More conversation ensues. Fifteen minutes go by, but there's still no sign of the traditional- Indian lentil dish Fred ordered. Eventually they flag down a passing waiter ("Hi, I'm your waiter, just call me Carson...") and point out the oversight; he bustles off to the kitchen and returns at last with the missing dish, which he places on the table before flouncing off for a springwater facial.

Fred looks at the newly arrived food. It's bone dry.

Fred looks longingly at Rose's pool of overenthusiastically-applied clarified butter.

Rose makes a face. "Hey, I was planning on tipping that into one of those Ziploc bags I always carry for leftovers. Cos I can use it for conditioning my hair extensions, you know."

"Aww, can I have just a little bit? These lentils are awfully dry."

"Mmmm," Rose says again. "Well. You really are a bloody good poetry-writer, that's true...tell you what. Can we make a deal?"

Fred looks at the lentils and the clarified butter again and then looks questioningly at Rose. Neither of them has noticed the brass section that's crept up behind them.

"What deal?"

"If you'll be my Gotti bard, I can ghee your long-lost dhal..."

Re: You asked for it

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

OMG. Just. Duuuude.

[niav.livejournal.com]

This is my favourite joke ever and everyone who knows me is sick of it by now, so I relish a new person to tell it to!

There are two cows in a field, eating grass. One of the cows says, "Moo".

The other ones looks miffed. "I was going to say that."

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

*snerk* That reminds me of a joke I like.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says to the other, "Hey, it's pretty hot in here."

The other screams, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Slightly long.

[eleniangel.livejournal.com]

So a woman was in the middle of having her house redecorated and the contractor showed up to go over the plans with her. They walked into the first room, and she says, "I want this room to be yellow, because it's soothing and I want to use it as a guest room." The contractor nods, writes something down on his clipboard, opens a window and yells, "Green side up!"

Now the woman thinks this is a little strange, but maybe it was some kind of contractor code for the paint. They enter into the next room, and she says, "I want this room to be red, for passion and it will be mine and my husband's bedroom." The contractor nods again, writes on his clipboard, and opens a window. He yells, "Green side up!"

The homeowner is now terribly confused, but wanting to appear unfazed and professionally cool, she takes him into the third bedroom. "I want this room to be green, because my husband is a fan of hunting, and I want him to have one place to go in the house that's his." Contractor nods, writes, and yells out the window, "Green side up!"

The woman's really frustrated now and stops the contractor on the way out. "I'm confused."
"Oh?"
"Well, you only got two of my colors right. I wanted the first bedroom yellow, the second red and the third green, but each time you yelled 'Green side up' out the window. I don't want three green rooms."
"Oh, no ma'am, I've got three blondes down the street laying down astroturf."

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

If moms have Mothers day and dads have Fathers day, what do bachelors have?

Palm Sunday

My favorite bad joke

[thesumo.livejournal.com]

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
(to the tune of Symphony #5) Ba-na-na-naaa.

[valerie]

This is a bad one :P

One evening, a cop on his patrol along a park popular for young lovebirds comes across a teenage couple in a car. Upon finding the car, he finds a young man in the front seat reading Sports Illustrated, and a young woman in the back seat knitting.

The cop says, "So... how old are ya there, son?" "Eighteen," the boy replies.

"And your lady friend there?"

The boy looks at his watch. "Seventeen for another 20 minutes."

[timba.livejournal.com]

bwahahaa

that is great!