(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

So, today on the Don and Mike show, Don read through a list of Scientology questions. Now, I'd already heard the whole thing about people being strapped into lie detectors and asked the questions (hence why my immediate thought during last week's The 4400 was, "HA! Scientology riff!"), but I hadn't heard the questions before.

Don and Mike just posted the questions to their website, and I ... well, I guess the best way to put it is that I'm intrigued.

I mean, obviously, some of these questions nobody should answer yes to ("Have you ever raped a child of either sex?" GYAH. ACKACKACK.). But at the same time, a lot of them sound so much like the recruitment test for Darth Vader's office assistant that I couldn't stop giggling hysterically (except, of course, for the really freaky questions).

Have you ever enslaved a population?
Have you ever implanted anyone?
Have you ever sacked a city?
Have you ever sunk, or otherwise destroyed, a non-combatant vessel?
Have you ever abused hostages, or prisoners?
Have you ever ordered, or yourself committed, genocide?
Have you ever annihilated a population?
Have you ever poisoned food or drinking supplies?
Have you ever strangled anyone?
Have you ever deliberately spread disease?
Have you ever degraded a religion?
Have you ever raped a child of either sex?
Have you ever warped an educational system?
Have you ever deprived people of hope?
Have you ever committed murder?
Have you ever destroyed a culture?
Have you ever forced anyone into an undesired beingness?
Have you ever stolen a body from another being?
Have you ever destroyed an economy?
Is anybody seeking to discover your whereabouts?
Have you ever violated a nation's neutrality?
Have you ever broken a treaty?
Have you ever blanketed bodies for the sensation trick?
Have you ever upset an ecology?
Have you persecuted others for their religious or political beliefs?
Have you ever interfered with the free flow of trade?
Have you ever been a crook?
Have you ever obliterated a language?
Have you ever stamped out a religion?
Have you ever deliberately trained people in untruths for power, or profit?
Have you ever defiled religious places, persons, or objects?
Have you ever practiced terrorism?
Have you ever done anything you would not like to think of yourself as having done?
Have you ever been a coward?
Have you ever trapped a thetan?
Have you ever prided yourself on your wickedness?
Have you ever destroyed artistic productions, or creations?
Have you burned literature?
Have you ever forbidden people to practice their own customs?
Have you ever perverted a people's customs?
Have you ever done anything which you hoped would be wiped out by the passage of time?
Do you deserve to be punished into eternity for something you've done? If so, what is it?
Have you ever exposed infants?
Have you ever bred bodies for degrading purposes?
Is there anything you would have done differently if you had had more data?
Have you ever forced beings into unwanted bodies?
Have you deliberately prevented beings from exteriorizing?
Have you done anything to a person, group, or thing that wasn't deserved?
Have you ever deserted a just cause?
Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Have you ever deliberately tortured someone?
Have you ever enslaved another being?
Have you ever gained, or maintained, a position by portraying yourself as victimized?
Have you ever undermined a people's trust?
Have you driven anyone insane?
Have you ever been a professional prostitute?
Have you ever been a criminal?
Have you ever trained people for criminal purposes?
Have you ever been a pervert?
Have you ever recruited anyone for an unworthy purpose?
Have you ever traded in others' bodies for profit or power?
Have you ever stolen a mock-up or facsimile?
Have you ever usurped a location?
Have you ever made things scarce so that you might profit unfairly?
Have you ever made a practice of creating emergencies?
Have you ever practiced human sacrifice?
Have you ever assumed a beingness which was not rightfully yours?
Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Have you ever punished an innocent person?
Is anybody looking for you?
Have you ever systematically degraded an individual, or population, or mock-up?
Have you ever unlawfully, or unethically, deserted a post?
Have you betrayed someone, or something, which deserved your help?
Have you ever set a poor example?
Have you ever perverted the institutions of a culture for your own personal power or profit?
Have you ever denied yourself?
Have you ever betrayed yourself?
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Have you ever acted contrary to your own principles?
Have you ever failed a friend?
Have you ever sought to render others dependent on you?
Have you ever abused those under your protection?
Have you ever destroyed farmland, crops, or breeding stock?
Have you ever despoiled a planet of its natural resources?
Are you in hiding?
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Have you ever wrecked a climate?
Have you ever systematically set up mysteries?
Have you ever made nothing of yourself?
Have you ever made a profession of destruction?
Have you ever enturbulated an orderly environment?
Have you ever been a traitor?
Have you ever deliberately lowered another's knowingness, or ability?
Have you ever maimed, and crippled, other people's bodies?
Have you ever pretended to a power you did not possess?
Have you ever stolen ships, draft, vessels, or vehicles belonging to a government?
Have you ever disappeared?
Have you ever killed your own body?
Have you ever pretended to a knowingness you did not possess?
Have you ever caused a planet to disappear?
Have you ever felt the ends justified the means?
Have you ever given cause a bad name?
Have you ever discredited the creations of others?
Have you ever been off post at a time when you were desperately needed?
Have you ever convinced another that he has mocked up an unconfrontability?
Have you ever deliberately mocked up an unconfrontability?
Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Have you perverted historical truths for any reason?
Have you deliberately sent someone to the wrong place, or the wrong person?
Have you ever been a professional spy, or intelligence agent?
Have you made a practice of worrying people?
Have you consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Have you demonstrated that control is impossible?
Have you ever wrecked a vehicle, or vessel?
Have you ever pretended to be dead?
What question should be on this check for others?
Have you ever convinced another of the injustice of his cause?
Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Have you ever claimed it harmed you to do something?
Have you ever deliberately disfigured another's body?
Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Have you ever blinded anyone?
Have you ever destroyed another's hearing?
Have you ever knocked someone's teeth out?
Have you ever punished another by cutting off some part of his body?
Have you ever been a parasite?
Is there anything you have sworn off being?
Is there anything you have sworn off doing?
Is there anything you have sworn off having?
Have you ever given a degraded, or debased, example of divinity?
Have you ever perverted a communication system?
Have you ever been a professional critic?
Have you ever held others in pawn for profit?
Have you ever presumed on the natural goodness of another?
Have you ever caused another to mistrust you?
Have you ever made a burden of yourself?
Have you ever gone crazy?
Have you ever sought to persuade another of your insanity?
Have you ever deliberately mutilated bodies?
Have you ever deliberately mutilated objects?
Have you heightened sexual sensation by inflicting pain?
Have you ever caused something to appear at an unexpected time?
Have you ever caused something to appear in an unexpected place?
Have you ever maltreated a pregnant woman, or pregnant animal?
Have you ever corrupted a child?
Have you ever sought to convince others of their guilt?
Have you ever started a war?
Have you ever caused your own side to loose?
Have you deliberately distorted others' ideas?
Have you ever manipulated beings as though they were MEST? Matter, Energy, Space and Time]
Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Have you ever sought to convince beings that they were MEST?
Have you ever tried to persuade others there were thoughts they mustn't think?
Have you ever sought to put another's thinkingness out of his control?
Have you ever permitted a subordinate of yours to be punished for your mistakes?
Have you ever tried to shift blame on to a superior of yours?
Have you ever smothered a baby?
Have you ever inflicted physical pain on an insane person for any reason?
Have you ever taken pride in and cultivated a wrongness?
Have you ever worshipped wrongness in others?
Have you ever sought to make others unwilling to produce?
Have you ever wiped out a family?
Have you ever rewarded another, or a group, for a wrongness?
Have you ever had sexual relations with an animal, or bird?
Have you ever participated in a sexual relationship between a doll body and a human body?
Have you ever destroyed a doll body?
Have you ever lost a doll body entrusted to you?
Have you ever punished another, or a group, for a rightness?
Have you ever permitted another to be punished for your misdeed?
Have you ever perpetuated an injustice?
Have you ever been brutal to animals?
Have you ever denied others a means of existence?
Have you ever deserted your own children?
Have you ever refused to support your parents, or grandparents?
Have you ever denied others a redressment of grievances?
Have you ever caused another to distrust himself?
Have you ever caused another to identify himself with a form in order to enslave him?
Have you ever given anyone the third degree?
Have you ever validated the insanity of another being or group?
Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Have you ever warped, or distorted, bodies for sexual purposes?
Have you ever wanted to disown a deed of yours?
Do you deserve to have any friends?
Have you ever castrated anyone?
Have you ever wrongfully claimed another's deeds as your own?
Have you ever robbed a dead body?
Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Do you deserve to be free?
Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Is there any question on this check I had better not ask you again?
Have you ever considered another didn't deserve to be sane?
Have you ever considered another didn't deserve to be free?
Have you ever considered another didn't deserve to be well?
Have you ever considered another didn't deserve to be alive?
Have you ever made MEST guilty of harming you?
Have you ever made another guilty of doing you permanent harm?
Have you ever forced another to compete?
Have you ever pretended to be unable to repair a form?
Have you ever refused to put back into order a disorder you created?
Have you ever shot, or stabbed, someone in the back?
Have you ever been disloyal?
Have you ever been treacherous?
Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Have you ever made an outrageous, or preposterous, will?
Have you ever thrown the ownership of property into doubt?
Have you ever demonstrated that communication is impossible?
Have you ever withheld useful data?
Have you ever created chaos?
Have you ever consistently made a practice of furnishing useless data?
Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Have you ever caused another to mistrust his judgment?
Have you ever convinced another he was guilty of a crime, or misdeed, which he had not in fact committed?
Have you ever sought to convince another that there was something wrong with him?
Have you ever practiced medicine unethically?
Have you ever practiced law, or jurisprudence, unethically?
Have you ever sought to convince another that everything was the same as everything else, so it didn't matter what he did?
Have you ever spread despair?
Have you ever kept effective solutions from working?
Have you ever sought to convince another that there was no difference between right and wrong?
Have you ever been a pimp?
Have you ever given families a bad name?
Have you ever produced a criminal?
Have you ever assisted an evildoer?
Have you ever driven a poulation into criminality?
Have you ever used criminality as a means of control of a population?
Have you ever made sanity appear to be psychotic?
Have you ever been a psychiatrist?
Have you ever depopulated an area?
Have you ever deprived another of a livelihood?
Have you ever given God a bad name?
Have you ever been a corrupt priest?
Have you ever given spirits an evil reputation?
Have you ever been an evil spirit?
Have you ever sought to convince others that things were evil?
Have you ever taught others that nothing can be done?
Have you ever tried to convince others that knowing is bad? That perceiving is bad? That sensation is bad?
Have you ever deliberately caused a sane person to be committed to a mental institution?
Have you ever performed unnecessary surgery on someone's body?
Have you ever tried to convince others that things are bad? That there are bad beingnesses? That it is bad to do things?
Have you ever mocked another's ability?
Have you ever mocked another's knowingness?
Have you ever mocked another's creativeness?
Have you ever applied a hot iron to another person's body?
Have you ever tortured another with electrical, or electronic, devices?
Have you ever attacked others for causing effects that you secretly knew were beneficial, or helpful?
Have you ever deliberately caused others to feel less responsible?
Have you ever beaten a child to death?
Have you ever starved anyone to death?
Have you ever left anyone to die of thirst?
Have you ever misestimated an effort?
Have you ever misjudged another?
Have you ever failed to save someone from drowning?
Have you ever knowingly sponsored a swindle?
Have you ever failed another?
Have you ever wasted time when you ought not to have?
Have you ever retreated from an area where you should have stayed, or advanced?
Have you ever wasted men? Women? Children? Objects? An ability? Animals? Thoughts? Spaces? Energy?
Have you ever made nothing of a worthy person? Of a group? Of a universe? Of a spirit?
Have you failed in any way to live up to your own ideas of how you should be?
Have you ever broken someone's body on a wheel?
Have you ever stretched another's body on a rack?
Have you ever put a criminal in a position of trust?
Have you ever sold people on the idea that people are basically wicked?
Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?
Have you ever eaten a human body?
Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?
Have you ever exterminated a species?
Have you ever let your past triumphs discourage you about your future?
Have you ever flayed anyone alive?
Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Have you ever done a bad thing to win approval?
Have you ever been a dishonest policeman?
Have you ever been a brutal gaoler?
Have you ever been a corrupt judge?
Have you ever been a bad soldier?
Have you ever done a bad thing to save yourself?
Have you ever done a bad thing to save another?
Have you ever been an ungrateful child?
Have you ever been a wicked mother?
Have you ever been a bad father?
Have you ever convinced another that his goals were no good?
Have you ever been an abortionist?
Have you ever run a brothel?
Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Have you ever produced a bastard?
Have you ever convinced another that he shouldn't confront someone, or something?
Have you ever failed to send, or deliver, a vital message?
Have you committed rape?
Have you employed poison gas against life forms?
Have you ever put up a discreditable creation?
Have you ever taught that it was bad for people to have things?
Have you ever deliberately infected life forms with disease?
Have you ever made a body disappear?
Have you ever consistently made a practice of attacking people who helped you?
Have you ever perverted an ethic?
Have you ever consistently made a practice of attacking those who helped others?
Have you ever abused, or tortured, life forms?
Have you ever inflicted an unwarranted punishment?
Have you ever enforced breeding?
Have you ever desecrated burial places?
Have you ever attacked helpless persons?
Have you ever denied anyone a desired beingness?
Have you ever caused another being to create against his own wishes or interests?
Have you ever zapped anyone?
Have you deliberately set property afire?
Have you ever created an affect for which there was no apparent cause?
Have you ever interiorized a being into a machine?
Have you ever forced a body to survive against its owner's wishes?
Have you ever arrested the development of a culture?
Is there any place you'd better not return to?
Is there anything the people of Earth had better not find out about you?
Is there any time you'd better not return to?
Have you done anything that had better not happen again?
Have you ever given creativeness a bad name?
Have you given biological bodies a bad name?
Have you given doll bodies a bad name?
Have you given robots a bad name?
What should others be warned about concerning you?
What don't you trust yourself with?
Is there anything you can't forgive yourself for?
Is there anything others should not forgive you for?
Have you ever caused equipment entrusted to your care to vanish?
Have you ever acted as a double agent?
Have you ever misappropriated equipment entrusted to your care?
Have you ever interrogated another under torture?
Have you ever caused anyone to be burned alive?
Have you ever misappropriated funds entrusted to your care?
Have you ever violated the sanctity of a herald?
Have you ever violated a flag of truce, or a period of truce?
Have you ever caused someone to be flogged to death?
Have you ever been a religious fanatic?
Have you ever assassinated a prominent person?
Have you ever blown anything up?
Have you ever violated a sanctuary?
Have you ever poisoned an atmosphere?
Have you ever set a booby trap?
Have you ever violated the established rules of warfare?
Have you ever made yourself out to be weaker than you in fact were?
Have you ever made yourself out to be stronger than you in fact were?
Have you ever promised help without intending to give it?
Have you ever abandoned your sick, or dead, to the enemy?
Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

Comments

[rosetapestry.livejournal.com]

Have you ever enslaved a population?

Nope, I couldn't even make it past the first one before laughing...

[dawnmipb.livejournal.com]

Nope, I couldn't even make it past the first one before laughing...

You, too?

I don't think L Ron Hubbard thought he was writing science fiction, is what I think.

I couldn't make myself read this list, though I bet if I did, I wouldn't have to do any crunches the rest of the weekend....

[palmetto.livejournal.com]

What I find interesting is this article on MSNBC. It's the first time I've seen a major media source come right out and give even a brief explanation of their system of "beliefs".

[dawnmipb.livejournal.com]

I just finished reading that.

I'm....amazed. I'm amazed someone can call himself a Thetan Level Anything with a straight face.

Are these questions the initial audit? Can you imagine being in that chair?

"Have you ever been a psychiatrist?"

[leelee-cakes.livejournal.com]

Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

.....

What. The. Hell.

[dawnmipb.livejournal.com]

Hey! What about that old guy in Kenya! We should ask him these questions!

[hannahrorlove.livejournal.com]

Wait, what do some of these even mean? How do they expect anyone to answer them?

[bnh.livejournal.com]

Have you ever sacked a city?

guess attila the hun's out.

[ciara-belle.livejournal.com]

Have you ever violated a nation's neutrality?

Why does this sound somehow dirty to me? Is it just because my brain is pervy like that?

Have you ever obliterated a language?
Have you ever stamped out a religion?

WTF?

Ok, I'm just skimming, but seriously? Someone should probably tell the Bush Administration that they lost their "to do" list.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Have you ever stamped out a religion?

Reading the list and thinking about where it came from made me want to answer this question with, "No, but I'd like to."

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

Have you ever been a religious fanatic?

No. I want to learn from the masters.

[raindroproses.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! If you answered "yes" to 100 or more of these, you are worthy of being a minion. Please e-mail, fax, or owl your CV to the appropriate Evil Overlord.

If you answered "yes" to 200 or more of these, you could be an Evil Overlord! Your minions should be arriving shortly. Don't forget to eat a full meal before slaughtering the rebel hordes!

If you answered "yes" to more than 300 of these... Mr. President, isn't it naptime? You'd better get back to your cot before Mr. Cheney catches you.

[neversremedy.livejournal.com]

*doubles over in laughter* Oh, oh ... thank you for that.

[rosetapestry.livejournal.com]

Have you ever killed the wrong person?

WTF?!! Who is the right person to kill?

[lots42.livejournal.com]

O.J.?

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

Have you given robots a bad name?

Well, there's this one negative bastard named Marvin...

[secretbutterfly.livejournal.com]

*splorfle*
You win!

[lots42.livejournal.com]

Was one of those questions 'Have you ever eaten a baby?' I'm too squicked to go reread it

[http://users.livejournal.com/_audrey/]

Have you ever eaten a human body?
Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?
Have you ever smothered a baby?

I couldn't find the specific wording of 'eaten a baby', but these were the closest I could find (and I am not going through them again, for my own sanity). :o

Have you ever caused a planet to disappear?

What. I. o__0 *head explodey* Oh yeah, I do that all the freakin' time.

Have you ever been a pervert?

See, this is why no-one who spends any significant length of time online would be accepted into the Scientology

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<s?cult</s>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<i>Have you ever eaten a human body?
Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?
Have you ever smothered a baby?</i>

I couldn't find the specific wording of 'eaten a baby', but these were the closest I could find (and I am <b>not</b> going through them again, for my own sanity). :o

<i>Have you ever caused a planet to disappear?</i>

What. I. o__0 *head explodey* Oh yeah, I do that all the freakin' <i>time</i>.

<i>Have you ever been a pervert?</i>

See, this is why no-one who spends any significant length of time online would be accepted into the Scientology <s?Cult</s> Life (apart from the fact that we have more than two functioning braincells between us).

These people are fucking *insane*.

[rosetapestry.livejournal.com]

Have you ever wasted time when you ought not to have?

Well darn - I'm out.

[tinylegacies.livejournal.com]

OMG your icon is HYSTERICAL!

shit!

[overloved.livejournal.com]

Have you ever enslaved a population?

I knew that was gonna come back to haunt me.

Re: shit!

[akacat]

Hang on a minute, how many people does it take to make a population? You need to check the loopholes.

[miggy.livejournal.com]

Have you ever forced anyone into an undesired beingness?

There's a whole novel series waiting to be written about a coercive matchmaker for multiple alien species, I just know it.

[divabat.livejournal.com]

"Have you ever killed your own body?"

uh...if I did, I won't be talking to you now would I?

I could probably account for warping the education system. :P

[florahart]

Are they supposed to be able to honestly answer no to all of these? Because if so? Tommy-boy? I hate to tell you? But you're excommunicated, baby:

Have you persecuted others for their religious or political beliefs?

Like, say, Brooke Shields?

Have you ever enturbulated an orderly environment?

Done what? Is that a word? In any case, possibly it was what you've been doing with the couch leeaping.

Have you ever given anyone the third degree?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Have you ever demonstrated that communication is impossible?

Such as in discussion with Matt Lauer?

Is anybody looking for you? / Are you in hiding?

God no. He's got a good solid no, here.

[justmalea.livejournal.com]

hey! ricktboy here... just saying hi, i know you from willysunny's flist...lol

Have you ever been a pervert?

well, I guess all of us in the HP fandom are fucked...

lol

oh wait, I get it...it's Lord Voledemort's questionaire for the Death Eaters!!!!!

[cleobourne.livejournal.com]

Have you ever permitted a subordinate of yours to be punished for your mistakes? *raises hand*

Why I just did this last week.

[ladysorka]

Have you ever flayed anyone alive?

Well, Willow fails.

[faith21.livejournal.com]

Dammit, you stole my joke.

[pixiewildfire.livejournal.com]

Seriously. Guy writes 'Battlefield Earth' and suddenly he wants to rpg. That's what this is! RPG at a sci-fi convention gone awry.

[raelee.livejournal.com]

Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?

Huh. It's kind of scary that they could even come up with all these questions.

Have you ever run a brothel?

Well, damn, I'm out!

[faith21.livejournal.com]

Have you ever forced a body to survive against its owner's wishes?
*cough*JebBush*cough*

Have you ever been a pimp?
Say what, bitch?

Have you ever started a war?
Bush: I'm out.

[dawnmipb.livejournal.com]

Have you ever abused hostages, or prisoners?

Everybody at Abu Gharib: I'm out!

[paranoidgrl.livejournal.com]

Have you ever eaten a human body?
Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?

Aren't these the same question? And, if not, just what species is Scientology trying to recruit?

[rosetapestry.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

[anxietygrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. This is much healthier than psychiatry.

Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

Sorry, the princess is in another castle!

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

"Yes, but then I just restarted the game to level one and this time, I got out the "Legend of Zelda" cluebook to make sure I saved her this time!"

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

Have you ever blanketed bodies for the sensation trick?

What is this? Is it a kink I just haven't heard of? Will it be part of a new fic challenge meme? Did Clark and Lex do this and I just missed the story? WTF?

[apathocles.livejournal.com]

Will it be part of a new fic challenge meme?

It *so* should be. In fact, I think this entire list should be. You could get some seriously cracktastic fic out of it.

[denial-girl.livejournal.com]

The mix of totally plausible questions like wrecking a car and stuff obviously intended for aliens in off-putting. People seriously believe this stuff?

Have you ever enslaved a population?

Dang, well I guess Scientology is out of contention for the official religion of my newly established empire. Guess I'll have to fall back on the ole tyrant worship, Kim Jong-Il style.

Have you ever blanketed bodies for the sensation trick?

Say what?

Have you ever done anything you would not like to think of yourself as having done?

Scientology needs a beta reader.