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[apocalypsos]

For the record, my Harry Potterand the Half-Blood Prince rules about spoilers in this LJ:

I only want fake ones. Make something up and treat it like it's real. And the weirder, the better. I don't plan on reading the book anyway this time around, so just make it seem like I'm missing out on something I'd really enjoy, like Godzilla attacking Hogwarts or Hermione suddenly shooting laser beams out of her eyes.

Have somebody knock Draco up. What's the giant squid doing this weekend? You know, some candlelight and Italian food, a little tentacle sex MPREG ... that might get it me to read it.

Comments

[cyprinella]

Dumbledore is made of chocolate!!!!11

[hawklaw.livejournal.com]

Have somebody knock Draco up. What's the giant squid doing this weekend? You know, some candlelight and Italian food, a little tentacle sex MPREG ... that might get it me to read it.

I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure that's been written. ~goes to look~

I predict a hot and heavy Snape/Dobby romance.

[secretbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Just out of curiosity, how come you don't plan on reading the book this time around?

[septembergrrl.livejournal.com]

Hermione comes backl from a summer in Brazil with a string bikini and a whole new attiotude. Every chapter i in the book involves her sedrucing a different man at Hogwarts, from Dumbledore (who almost has a heart attack when she shows up in her academic gown with nothing underneath and does a "Translucent est!" spell on it) to Snape (who she backs up against the potions table) to Harry (who is too distracted by ehr charms to notice the ... oh, wait, that's a real spoiler.)

It's an erotic romp for the whole family!

[milkshake-b.livejournal.com]

At the end of the book, there's a giant battle where Harry gets knocked into a flow of lava, and Hermione has to stick him in enchanted armor to save his life, and amplify his breathing. Dumbledore proceeds to give a lecture on how this is why it's dangerous to say you don't wish to be human.


...and I looked at that and went, "Hey, until this moment I never realized there were any similarities between Star Wars and FMA."

[insidian.livejournal.com]

Stephen Fry, who has done the well-received audio recordings of the previous five Harry Potter books, has refused to finish reading after page 516.

"I simply can't do it," he told reporters. "The twist, it's entirely revolting. Ms. Rowling must be stopped! I implore all of the booksellers of the world to block shipment. The trauma it will cause these children is unspeakable."

When asked what the "revolting twist" was, Fry advised reporters to "Bugger off, you sick bastards, and dunk Ms. Rowling in acid if you know what's good for you."

[suaine.livejournal.com]

Actually, far as I know, there's supposed to be up-against-the-wall-omg-I-can't-believe-we're-doing-this sex between two people we would least suspect. I can't wait to find out who, because there's a betting pool and my money is on a house elf and one of the teachers.

Also, Voldemort is going to turn out a spy. He was working for the Order all along and just pretended to be an evil dark-lord.

The true villian is someone we would never suspect, they say. I'm not sure about that, because I've been suspecting anyone to turn evil including Harry and the Whomping Willow.

Speaking of that tree! Apparently there's a romantic scene under the tree and the Willow gets seriously involved. It's a bit racy, so the tabloids are going to have lots and lots of fun with the whole inter-species thing (not that they were all that relentless over the whole Giant/Human thing with Hagrid's parents)

And, my favorite, is probably the Half-Blood Prince himself. It's actually a vampire, of the long and incestuous line of the Master, also a member of the Order of Aurelius and quite proud of his vampire heritage. He has Spike's attitude, Angelus' flair for the flambouyant, Darla's good looks and Drusilla's abilities to see into the hearts of men and beasts alike. He gets recruited by our evil villian, but decides it's more fun to mess with the good guys' heads and get some sex out of it (the villian apparently has no taste) and so he joins the Order of Light, wreaking havoc and being all cute about it.

Wait, did I metion the sex? There's sey. With snarky people.

[wal-lace.livejournal.com]

Nearly Headless Nick is revealed to be the time-travelling ghost of Harry Potter.

Albus Dumbledore is revealed to be the time-travelling not-a-ghost Ron Weaseley.

It's revealed that the gap between James Potter et al leaving Hogwarts and the start of Voldemort's war was much longer than previously assumed. The first thing they actually did was form a rather good band, based initially in Liverpool but expanding across the world. Peter Pettigrew and James Potter led the band, although there are early rumours that Pettigrew had died and been replaced by a lookalike named Billy Shears.

Most fans blame Lily Evans for the band's inevitable breakup, but really, as both Peter and James stated in interviews, it was just a result of building creative differences.

After James' murder the conspiracy theories really picked up. The main plot of Book Six will be Harry attempting to find out what really drove the band apart, and what became of Sirius' solo career.

Oh, and Ginny gets hooked on high-grade Mandrake Root after Luna Lovegood gives her some at a party, gets kicked out by her family, and is rescued by Percy.

[franticgoddess.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore is a woman. He is actually Lily Potter in hiding.

The Giant Squid attacks Hedwig, resulting in a new and fascinating tentacled water owls.

Voldemort decides that his current life is wreaking havoc on his skin. He retires and becomes the new ProActive spokesperson.

:D

[mpoetess.livejournal.com]

Legolas dies. Again.

[akacat]

Well, we find out that Voldemort is actually Harry's time-traveling half-brother (Snape was his 'mother', James was his father), and he actually tried to kill Harry because he was so totally jealous of the attention baby Harry was getting. (Killing James was totally by accident, but he'd never liked Lily.)

Voldie's the half-blood prince. All the time-traveling has wrecked his body, he's decided he wants to get possession of Draco's body. (He doesn't want Harry's body, because he thinks Harry is hot and he wants Harry's body a whole different way. All together now: Ew!)

Snape is the full prince, but his whole family (of which he's the last) has been under an evil spell to make them look and act like greasy gits. Toward the end of the book Snape'll be kissed by a princess and the spell will be broken. He's platinum blond and gorgeous, and loves puppies and rainbows. Harry falls totally in lust with him.

Coincidentally, just as the spell over Snape is broken, the entire Malfoy family suddenly becomes greasy and even gittier. Just as Voldie gets possession of Draco's (now greasy) body. Book six ends with Voldemort/Draco being really jealous of Snape.

[uberbitsch.livejournal.com]

george bush comes to hogwarts and gets violated brutally with Draco's broomstick.

[elessar.livejournal.com]

Voldemort's unmasked....and *gasp* it's not Voldemort at all! It's actually...DUN DUN DUN Gary Coleman!

...sorry...that was bad XD

[chilledglove.livejournal.com]

Stephen Fry never disappoints!

[lamiael.livejournal.com]

*looks around* psst... i heard his heart is made of lemon sherbet, and harry has to eat it to destroy Voldemort, because Big D loved him! *cackles*

[wyzeguy.livejournal.com]

Hermoine, Ron, and Harry are selected for Hogwarts' top secret giant battle mech program. They end up piloting these huge robots against even larger ... things ... from outer space. Their collective ability to angst increases fifty-fold. My favorite scene involves Harry and his mech going apeshite on some alien whatevers, all the while mumbling, "I mustn't run away ... I mustn't run away...."

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I just didn't like OotP at all. Got about halfway through and just got bored.

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

"Harry, get into the Automata," Dumbledore intoned from the upper platform of the chamber, his hands covering his face where his once-humourous smile resided.

[marginaliana]

I sense some Billy Shears/Stubby Boardman drunken, on-stage hatesex in our future! *g*

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

I understand the opening passage will be: "Right now, Death Eaters, led by the great Lord Voldemort, plot to assassinate the Headmaster. My best friends and owl are in danger. And my classmates and teachers may be involved in both. I am Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, and this shall be the longest schoolyear of my life."

[hjcallipygian.livejournal.com]

I love this!

Harry and his Velvet Voice will save the day.

[hiddenw.livejournal.com]

You forgot the part where she seduces every member of the Weasley family. Oh, Molly!

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

By the same token, Hermione spends the second half of the book in the infirmary, and it's revealed that Ron is, in fact, one of those things from outer space. Harry, after much angsting, squishes him.

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

The boat sinks.

The squid does not eat Hermione at this time. I'm explaining to you because you looked worried.

Sirius never died. It was, in fact, a duplicate (a loyal bodyguard, if you will), and it is revealed that Severus Snape was Sirius Black all along.

[pelennor-fields.livejournal.com]

All I've been privy to is one of the early chapters, in which the arrival of new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor Drew Carey is marred by a gigantic hentai rapeorgy of the centaurs by the giant spiders spills over onto school grounds, traumatizing some students and leaving others to wonder why they're so aroused.

[storm-maven.livejournal.com]

Hagrid kicks Madame "what's her face" to the curb and hooks up with Snape. Grawp and Delores Umbridge gets together. The Half Blood Prince is Vernon Dursley. Petunia is really Lily. The new DADA teacher is Fred Weasley. Voldemort is really a coconut cream pie.

[ladynaberrie.livejournal.com]

I'm going to rip off your post. i want to see what the sick minds of my flist come up with.

[wyzeguy.livejournal.com]

"I ... I don't want to," Harry whimpered, alternating nervous glances between the giant robot and thestern-looking wizard.

Then he saw Hermoine being wheeled in on a stretcher, covered extensivly in bandages and hooked up to an IV. "Oh, all right ..."

[wyzeguy.livejournal.com]

Also, it's revealed that there are at least twenty cloned Ginnys floating in a cloning tank in the basement, in case the real one is killed. Nobody finds this the least bit disturbing.

[wyzeguy.livejournal.com]

If anything would get me to read the Harry Potter books, thatwould.

[paradoxymoron.livejournal.com]

more evidence turns up that Ron is really Dumbledore. Or, Dumbledore is really Ron. Time travel, y'see, time travel.

Harry gets increasingly angsty, and Draco attributes it to PMS, until Harry finally gets his period.

Harry learns that pads are NOT FUN while RIDING A BROOMSTICK. Tampons are no picnic either.

Voldy comes back. (duh). As a carrot monster.

[septembergrrl.livejournal.com]

Did not. What do you think I meant by "an erotic romp for the whole family"?

[heyorion.livejournal.com]

I expect he's disappointed that Draco and Harry are not, repeat NOT having a clandestine affair in the Arithmancy classroom after lights out. I'd be disappointed too. So gay. So very, very gay.