(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

I got my hair trimmed and now it reaches my chin again. Woohoo! Pretty! *swishes hair back and forth*

And now for the Friday time-waster ... tell a joke. C'mon, make ye olde friends list laugh. :)

Comments

[ex-zombieham605.livejournal.com]

What's red and white and a baby with scissors in its eye?

...wait, I told that wrong.

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

heh, I like that one.

[franticgoddess.livejournal.com]

Also, what's red and white and bangs on glass? baby in a microwave.

[yueni]

I can't think of jokes, but these bacteria are adorable. I want one.

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Knock Knock.

[teleute12.livejournal.com]

Who's there?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Banana.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Banana who?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Knock Knock.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Who's there?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Banana.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Banana who?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Knock Knock.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Who's there?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Banana.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Banana who?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Knock Knock.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Who's there?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Orange.

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

Orange who?

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

Orange you glad I wasn't a Banana?

:3

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

! I love that joke. I am so lame.

[lakidaa.livejournal.com]

I am too.

so lame.


XD

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

How many Freudian Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis.

[spyderqueen.livejournal.com]

Ladder damnit, Ladder!

[ex-zombieham605.livejournal.com]

I know it's an old joke, but you just made me snort soda.

[franticgoddess.livejournal.com]

Descartes goes into a bar and has a drink. The waiter asks if wants another. He replies: "I think not," and vanishes in a puff of logic.


AHAHAHAHAHAHA

[ampersand.livejournal.com]

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

[tv-elf.livejournal.com]

What is brown and sticky?


A stick!

[clex_monkie89.livejournal.com]

What's a foot long and slippery?

A Slipper!

[jtersesk.livejournal.com]

What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and is deadly?
A pool table falling out of a tree.

What's yellow, smooth, and deadly?
Shark-infested custard.

[nuptse.livejournal.com]

Some people are like Slinkies...Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
stairs.

[pelennor-fields.livejournal.com]

Back during the Dark Ages, there was a poor serf farmer who was barely making a living for himself and his wife and daughter by tending to the land. Every year he would sell his harvest at market, but after paying tribute to his lord and the tithe to the local church, he barely had enough money to feed his family. Their house was in disrepair. Their clothes were always shabby. But he was a good man, and loved his family, so their life was a simple, happy one, and as the years passed his daughter grew into a lovely young woman.

The year his daughter came of marrying age, his crop was especially plentiful. His spirits bright, he decided to take his daughter with him to market that year in the hopes of finding her a suitable husband. So early one morning, before the sun had risen, he hitched up the cart to their mule (which, along with the plow the mule pulled to till the land were their only real possessions) and they set off.

Market that year was a miracle for the farmer. The kind-hearted son of a successful money lender had asked for his daughter's hand, and she herself seemed pleased by this. He sold more crop than he ever had before, making more gold than the simple farmer had ever seen in his life- even after paying the lord and his tithe, it was enough to provide a real dowry for his daughter and still ensure he and his wife lived well for quite some time. And somehow, he had enough crop left that didn't sell to ensure that his family had a celebratory feast that night. Barely able to contain his joy, he hitched up the cart and they set off for home.

As they made their way through the forest, the sun set. The farmer began worrying the mule to make him go faster, but a few miles from home they were set upon by highwaymen. The farmer struggled, desperate, but he and his daughter were knocked from the cart and the robbers drove off. The farmer realized bleakly that the bag of gold was still under the seat of the cart, and with the mule gone, there was no way to ever make it back. He was surely bound for debtor's prison, and his wife and daughter condemned to a life of servitude in some meadhouse or stable. He sat down by the side of the road and began to cry.

His daughter rushed to his side, saying "Father, don't cry! See, I managed to save it!" And with that, she turned around, lifted her skirts, and from her pussy pulled the bag of gold. But instead of this lifting his spirits, the farmer began to cry even harder.

"Oh, if only your mother were here," he wailed "we could have saved the mule and cart, too!"

[stormyskies.livejournal.com]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?

Unfortunately, I inherited my dad's sense of humor and small supply of jokes.

[callmesyd.livejournal.com]

Two guys walk into a bar! The third guy ducks!

Wokka wokka wokka!

[amontillado.livejournal.com]

Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin says "Man, it's hot in here" and the other screams, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

[elbiesee.livejournal.com]

I'll tell you my dad's favorite joke...

Setting: Neighborhood, Halloween.

Little boy with a speech impediment goes up to a door and knocks. The guy inside answers. Little boy goes "Brick'reat!"

"Huh?"

"Brick'reat!"

"Oh, trick or treat."

"Yeah."

The guy looks at the little boy's costume: fluffy shirt, bandana over his head, patch on his eye, and a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. "What's your costume, little boy?"

"I'm a birate," the boy says.

"A what?!"

"A birate. BIRATE! Arrr..."

"Oh, you're a pirate!"

"Yeah."

The guy looks around. The little boy is by himself. "Okay, Captain Jack, where's your bucanners?"

The little boy takes off his bandana and points to the sides of his head. "Right here, where are your buckin' eyes?"

[tinylegacies.livejournal.com]

All right... these are oldies... but they never failed to make my friend Joanne laugh in high school oh so many years ago...

***

Q: What do you call two banana peels on the floor?

A: Slippers!

***

Three guys get arrested. One's German, one's American, & one's Polish. They are sentenced to death by firing squad.

As they wait to go before the firing squad, the American says "Look, there's a low wall over there and if we can get over it, we can make it to freedom. We just have to distract the guards and run."

So the American goes up and the head guard says "Ready... Aim..." and the American guy yells "LION!!!!!!!" and all the guards turn to look behind them and the American runs and climbs over the wall to safety.

Then the German guy goes up. The head guard says "Ready... Aim..." and the German guy yells "TORNADO!!!!!" and all the guards turn to look and the German escapes too.

Finally the Polish guy goes up before the firing squad. He's pretty satisfied with himself and knows he'll soon be joining the American and German in their freedom. The head guard says "Ready... Aim..."

And the Polish guys yells "FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[okelle.livejournal.com]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish

ba dum ba

How many Vassar girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

That's Vassar WOMEN, and we don't do housework

[ladyortyger.livejournal.com]

Since the prevailing theme seems to be lightbulbs:

How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy and one to get the Diet Cokes.

-----

Two nuns are ordered by their Mother Superior to paint her study, without getting a drop of paint on their habits. They think about it for a few minutes, lock the door, and decide to paint naked. A few hours later someone knocks on the door, announcing "Blind man!" The nuns shrug and think, what harm is done if he is blind? They let him in. He says "Nice tits. Where should I put these blinds?"