(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

You know what I think we need this weekend?


One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a
dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for
that?"

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your
women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat. She'll be down in about thirty
minutes."

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active
herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on
the counter and says "Active herpes."

She responds, "Okay, have a seat. It'll be about five minutes." Two
minutes later, a woman comes out. They go upstairs (the boy still dragging
his dead frog) and do their deal.

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, I have to know. Why did you want someone with active herpes?"

The twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm going to sleep with
the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the
baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he
gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow
morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will
sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."


Okay, your turn. :)

Comments

[neaf.livejournal.com]

So there's this man, and his wife always wants sex. He know she's so sex-obsessed, that when he goes away on his business trip, she'll probably start screwing the neighbours or the milkman. Since he wants her to stay loyal, but knows she's too obsessed, he goes to a local adult store to try and fix his problem.

When he walks in, he browses around, but can't find anything that his wife would go for over a man. Finally, after he's been there for awhile, the shop owner says "Hey, sonny. Are you looking for a 'specialized' item or are you just browsing?"

"Specialized?" comes the reply. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, what's your problem?" asks the shop owner.

"My wife is a sexoholic. I have to go away on a three day business trip tonight and I think she'll sleep with other men while I'm gone." He says desperately.

The shop owner smiles and said "I have just the thing for you boy," and pulls out a small wooden box from under the counter. "This here is called the voodoo cock."

The man blinks. "Voodoo? I don't believe in voodoo."

The shop owner smiles again and opened the box. With a sharp voice he says: "Voodoo cock! The keyhole!" and silently a penis rises from the box and flies over to the front door of the shop, squishes itself into the keyhole, and starts pumping away.

"WOW!" says the man, "that's perfect! I'll buy it!"

The shop owner takes the man's money and says: "There are two ways to control it. When you want to start it, say it's name and the place you want it to work. When you're done, say 'Voodoo cock! Your box!' Understand?"

The man nods and says he'd relay the instructions to his wife as the penis floats back over and returns to it's box.

When he gets home, the man presents the box to his wife, who looks disinteresed. He slowly explains the instructions to her, but she barely listens.

After her husband goes, the wife starts to get a bit horny and decides to go over to their neighbours place for some fun. She goes to get dressed and notices the box sitting on her side table. It couldn't hurt, she figures. So she opens the box and looks down at the penis and says "voodoo cock, my pussy!"

In a flash it flies into her and starts pumping away. She's amazed and orgasms fairly quickly. When it's all over she reaches for the box and then realises she's totally forgotten how to shut it off.

She tries to pull it out, she gets pliers and tries everything she can think of, but it just keeps going. Desperate to get it out, and exhausted from the constant pumping, she gets dressed as quickly as she can and struggles out to the car. She decides to go to the hospital and starts driving awkwardly down the road.

After a short while a Police car shows up behind her and pulls her over. She's shaking uncontrollably and sweating when she rolls down the window to talk to the officer.

"Ma'am, do you realise you're going over the limit for this area?"

She doesn't reply, just shakes and moans.

"Ma'am? Do you have a reason for this? Have you consumed any alcohol or narcotics this evening?"

"Sir. Please. I need to to get to the hospital. By husband bought me a voodoo cock and it's in me and I can't remember how to turn it off and I need to get to the hospital!" she cries desperately.

The cop laughs. "Ha!" he says,

"Voodoo cock my ass!"