(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

You know what I think we need this weekend?


One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a
dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the
counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for
that?"

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your
women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat. She'll be down in about thirty
minutes."

He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active
herpes."

The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on
the counter and says "Active herpes."

She responds, "Okay, have a seat. It'll be about five minutes." Two
minutes later, a woman comes out. They go upstairs (the boy still dragging
his dead frog) and do their deal.

As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, I have to know. Why did you want someone with active herpes?"

The twelve year old replies, "When I get home, I'm going to sleep with
the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the
baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he
gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow
morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will
sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."


Okay, your turn. :)

Comments

[overloved.livejournal.com]

BWAH!!

Sadly, I don't know any dirty jokes.

My contribution

[frogmajick.livejournal.com]

This is one of my favorites...

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.

"Sorry," says the taller man."I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.

"Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"

[jrosestar.livejournal.com]

This man had a wife who's vagina was so loose he couldn't make her cum. He really wanted to satisfy her, so he ran an add in the paper.

$1,000 to the man who can make my wife cum.

The next day men were lined up in front of the house and down the street. Each man came in to take a turn. Nothing happened. She still couldn't cum.

Near the end of the line was a very short person. (to be politically correct) Finally it was his turn. The husband looked at the little man and shook his head. "There have been very tall men here, very big men and none of them could get my wife to cum, I doubt you can."

The man just looked at him and said that the ad did not exclude anyone. He read the ad and wanted his turn. The husband gave in and showed the little man to the wife's bedroom.

After only a few minutes the man's wife was screaming in ecstacy. She kept on screaming and moaning. Finally, when she was completely satisfied the little man went to wash up. Then he went out of the bedroom to claim his money.

Husband: Wait a minute, before I give you this money, I need to know what you did. I want to know what I have to do to make my wife scream like that.

Man: You've just got to use your head. (points to head)

****
sorry...

There seems to be a proliferation of short people...

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

So, a guy walks into a bar. In the bar, there's a dwarf playing piano--real little guy, only about a foot tall. "Huh," says the guy to the bartender, "where'd you get him?"

"Well," says the bartender, "you see, there's this genie--"

The guy scoffs at this, but the bartender gets out his magic lamp, just like the one from Aladdin, and slams it on the bar. "Go on," he says, "Rub it. Make a wish."

So the guy rubs the magic lamp, and the genie comes out. "What is your wish?" he asks the guy.

The guy is kind of floored, so the only thing he can come up with is, "I want a million bucks."

"I can't imagine why," says the genie, looking rather surprised. "But if that is your wish, I will grant it." And having said that, the genie vanishes back into the lamp.

Outside the bar, there's an enormous explosion of sound, and the guy runs outside to see what in the world it could be. The sky has gone dark, and the guy looks up, trying to figure out what's going on. Finally, he realizes--up in the sky, all trying to fly away, quacking mightily--are a million ducks.

The guy returns to the bar and complains to the bartender, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The bartender replies, "You think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

three nuns . . .

[tree220.livejournal.com]

There were three nuns waiting to be blessed. the priest asks the first nun, "have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "I touched one once with my finger."
The priest says, "Put your finger in holy water and say hree hail mary's." It's now the second nun's turn. She is asked the same question, but before she can respond the third nun runs in front of her and says, "I'm not going to gargle that water after she sticks her ass in it!"

[herewiss13.livejournal.com]

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.

[mayatawi.livejournal.com]

So there's a man who just can't get an erection. Honestly, he's tried, but the stuff just don't work. So he goes to doctor after doctor, explaining his problem, and no one can help him-- until one doctor refers him to a transplant specialist.

So the man goes to the specialist and says, "Doc, you've gotta help me, I haven't had an erection for two years. I just want some sex!" And the doctor says, "Well, there's this new procedure, but it's very experimental. I've only done it on two patients so far." The man says, "I'm desperate, I'll try anything. What's the procedure?" The doctor says, "I transplant the muscles from an elephant's trunk into your penis. It's worked wonders for the other two patients."

The man's desperate, so he gives it a shot.

Two weeks later he's out of the hospital and healing. Two more weeks later, he's ready to take it for a test drive. There's a woman he's been flirting with at work, so that day he asks her out to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant, and she says yes.

So they go to the restaurant and it's a nice place, good ambiance, candles, everything. The waiter brings out the basket of rolls and they start chatting, really hitting it off. The man just knows he's gonna get a chance to test his new equipment that night, and just from the very thought he starts to harden. So he unzips his pants to relieve the pressure a little.

They're still talking a few minutes later when the woman sees the strangest thing: The man's penis peeks up over the edge of the table, sniffs around a bit, grabs a roll, then darts back under the table again.

She stutters a bit, unsure of what she's seen. She's just convinced herself it's a hallucination when it happens again-- penis pokes its head up, grabs a roll, disappears again.

By now the woman's pretty intrigued. She can just imagine all sorts of fun they can get up to with a prehensile dick. So she says, "Well, hey, that was pretty interesting-- can you do that again?"

And the man says, "Well, I could, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

[azurelunatic]

So this guy has a pet chicken -- a rooster. And he was a movie fan, and he and the rooster loved to sit at home and watch movies.

Now, this new movie was coming out, and the guy wanted to go see it in the theatre, but he couldn't just go and see it and let his pet miss out!

So he hatched a plan. He'd go to the movie theatre with the rooster concealed in his clothing!

It worked perfectly. He went in wearing a big old trench coat and the rooster hidden under his clothes, and he sat back, and when the movie started, he undid his pants so the chicken could poke his head out and watch.

Now, the guy was sitting next to an older couple, and the woman glanced over at just the wrong moment. She elbowed her husband and hissed in shock, "Do you see what that young man is doing?"

Her husband sighed. "You've seen a man stroking his cock before."

"Yes, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

[neaf.livejournal.com]

So there's this man, and his wife always wants sex. He know she's so sex-obsessed, that when he goes away on his business trip, she'll probably start screwing the neighbours or the milkman. Since he wants her to stay loyal, but knows she's too obsessed, he goes to a local adult store to try and fix his problem.

When he walks in, he browses around, but can't find anything that his wife would go for over a man. Finally, after he's been there for awhile, the shop owner says "Hey, sonny. Are you looking for a 'specialized' item or are you just browsing?"

"Specialized?" comes the reply. "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, what's your problem?" asks the shop owner.

"My wife is a sexoholic. I have to go away on a three day business trip tonight and I think she'll sleep with other men while I'm gone." He says desperately.

The shop owner smiles and said "I have just the thing for you boy," and pulls out a small wooden box from under the counter. "This here is called the voodoo cock."

The man blinks. "Voodoo? I don't believe in voodoo."

The shop owner smiles again and opened the box. With a sharp voice he says: "Voodoo cock! The keyhole!" and silently a penis rises from the box and flies over to the front door of the shop, squishes itself into the keyhole, and starts pumping away.

"WOW!" says the man, "that's perfect! I'll buy it!"

The shop owner takes the man's money and says: "There are two ways to control it. When you want to start it, say it's name and the place you want it to work. When you're done, say 'Voodoo cock! Your box!' Understand?"

The man nods and says he'd relay the instructions to his wife as the penis floats back over and returns to it's box.

When he gets home, the man presents the box to his wife, who looks disinteresed. He slowly explains the instructions to her, but she barely listens.

After her husband goes, the wife starts to get a bit horny and decides to go over to their neighbours place for some fun. She goes to get dressed and notices the box sitting on her side table. It couldn't hurt, she figures. So she opens the box and looks down at the penis and says "voodoo cock, my pussy!"

In a flash it flies into her and starts pumping away. She's amazed and orgasms fairly quickly. When it's all over she reaches for the box and then realises she's totally forgotten how to shut it off.

She tries to pull it out, she gets pliers and tries everything she can think of, but it just keeps going. Desperate to get it out, and exhausted from the constant pumping, she gets dressed as quickly as she can and struggles out to the car. She decides to go to the hospital and starts driving awkwardly down the road.

After a short while a Police car shows up behind her and pulls her over. She's shaking uncontrollably and sweating when she rolls down the window to talk to the officer.

"Ma'am, do you realise you're going over the limit for this area?"

She doesn't reply, just shakes and moans.

"Ma'am? Do you have a reason for this? Have you consumed any alcohol or narcotics this evening?"

"Sir. Please. I need to to get to the hospital. By husband bought me a voodoo cock and it's in me and I can't remember how to turn it off and I need to get to the hospital!" she cries desperately.

The cop laughs. "Ha!" he says,

"Voodoo cock my ass!"

A joke for all the baseball fans...

[singeaddams.livejournal.com]

So this ballplayer was on the field when he looked up and saw a gorgeous fan with a mini-skirt on and her legs spread wide open. He became intrigued as all hell. Was he seeing black hair or black panties? He couldn't leave the field so he sent a friend up to check.

The friend came back and he was white as a sheet.

"Well, which is it?" the player asked. "Hair or panties?"

"Neither," the friend gasped. "It was FLIES!"

Oldie but always one of my favorites...

[darqstar.livejournal.com]

This guy is jogging down the beach and he comes across a woman with no arms and no legs lying on a blanket, crying.

He stops. "Why are you crying?"

"Oh sir," The woman says, "I was born this way, and because of this, I'm sure I'll never be hugged by a man!"

So, the guy, being a nice enough guy shrugs, picks the woman up carefully and hugs her gently.

"Thank you!" the girl says.

"You're welcome."

The next day the same guy jogs up the beach and sees the same girl, crying again. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, sir, I know it seems silly after you were so nice to me yesterday, but that got me to thinking; I'll probably never have a man kiss me ever!"

So, the guy shrugs and realizes it certainly isn't her fault she was born without arms and legs, and she's not bad looking. And it's such a little thing that will make her happy. So, he gathers her in his arms and very tenderly kisses her on the lips.

"How was that?"

"That was wonderful, sir! Thank you!"

He puts her back (gently) and jogs away.

The next day, he's jogging again and runs into the same girl. And again she's crying. He stops and kneels down next to her. "Please don't cry. What's the problem today?"

She looks up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Sir, I don't feel right complaining to you, you've been so good to me."

"It's all right." He strokes her hair gently. "We've hugged, we've kissed, I think we've come to the point where we can speak freely, so please, tell me why you're crying today?"

"Oh, I feel so stupid, but I'm sitting here and all I can think about is how I'll probably never get fucked by a man."

So the man pauses and thinks for a bit. Then he picks her up and tosses her out into the ocean. "There, you're certainly fucked now!"

[barbed-whispers.livejournal.com]

(How weird is it that I was just thinking last night that someone should start a dirty joke trend on LJ?)

These three nuns die and head up to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that to get inside they have to answer a question. He asks the first nun, "Who was the first man created?"

"Oh, that's an easy one," she says. "Adam."

Peter lets her in and then turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was the first woman created?"

"Another easy one!" the nun replies. "Eve!"

Peter opens the gate for the second nun and then turns to the third one, and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

"Ooh, that's a hard one," the nun says.

"Go ahead in!"

[ilthit.livejournal.com]

A man was playing golf, and doing badly, so he hid a few golf balls in his pocket, so he could cheat by replacing the ones he hit in the thickets or the pools. It worked marvellously well and he finished the game without losing face.

On the train back home, he put his hands in his pockets and found the balls still there. A wide grin spread on his face as he fingered them, remembering his ingenious play.

He noticed the lady opposite him looking at him with wide eyes. "Oh no, you don't understand," he explained. "I have golf balls in my pocket."

"Well," the lady replied, "I've heard of tennis elbows, but this is the first time I've heard of golf balls."