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apocalypsosTitle: The Extremely Smooth Seduction (And Don’t Let Anyone Ever Tell You Otherwise) Of Dr. Badass
Author: Troll Princess
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ash/Jo
Warnings: Awkward goofy first-time sex. *is poked in the side* Okay, FINE. Completely fabulous, wonderful, perfect, ruining-you-for-other-people sex. Sheesh.
Summary: Jo does not want to be a virgin when she heads off to college, and what good is a best friend if not for a back-up plan?
Author’s note: Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spn_roadhouse prompt, Jo loses her virginity to Ash, or Gordon, or both. While I couldn’t see Gordon in the mix, just imagining Jo losing her virginity to Ash makes me giggle. Heh.
*
The Extremely Smooth Seduction (And Don’t Let Anyone Ever Tell You Otherwise) Of Dr. Badass
*
Everyone hates Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, and you’ve never even met her. She has that effect on people, although she guesses it probably doesn’t help that she pulls stupid stunts like sneaking in a six-inch serrated blade on her first day of her new high school in a special sheath she’d sewn into her soft shaggy Ugg boots.
Try saying that five times fast.
It had probably been a bad idea to wear the dumb boots anyway, but she’d been trying for normal, damn it. Just like all of the other hunters, she’d researched the damn job down to the tiny detail, watching dozens of hours of MTV and taking handfuls of Tylenol when the screeching from the television and her own eye-rolling gave her a migraine. After spotting half a dozen rock stars wearing them, it had been easy enough to get the damn boots once she’d talked one of the guys at the bar into ordering them from Australia for her.
Mom had said, “Joanna Beth, you’d better not turn this into that last school all over again,” which loosely translated to avoiding bringing sharp weaponry to school and kicking at least three fewer boys in the crotch hard enough to require testicle relocation surgery.
The boots had been what her best friend Tina O’Malley later referred to as “pathetically desperate measures.”
A week after she’d stomped off the bus barefoot with her book bag stuffed to the gills, Ash walked into the bar one sleepy Sunday afternoon with the matted white furry boots in his grasp.
“Somewhere out there,” he declared, “there is a very cold and ugly sheepdog.”
Jo sprayed a perfectly good bottle of beer at him.
Hadn’t stopped her from laughing on and off all day as Ash had clomped through the place in the damn things (sliced open to accommodate his ginormous feet), but Ash had that effect on her.
*
Before we go any further, Ash would like you all to know that he is a complete and total sex god.
*
Everyone is afraid of Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, although that’s probably not for the same reason the boys at her school are afraid of her.
See, that knife thing? That didn’t help her reputation at all, unless she’d been wanting her reputation to be that of a psycho redneck chick with questionable taste in accessories. Depending on who you ask, she spends her weekends killing and skinning yaks, Wookies, hippies, or teddy bears. And hey, wearing the skins of adorable woodland creatures is only a hop, skip and a jump from keeping a collection of cocks in jars in her closet.
It’s pretty obvious, Jo thinks, that she’s not the one who needs therapy at Fairview High.
“You only get one chance to make a first impression,” Ash had said.
Jo had scowled at him from the other side of the kitchen table over the stack of math homework he’d been helping her with. “You saying I shouldn’t have brought the knife in the first place? Because I already got this lecture.”
Ash shook his head and said, “Two boots, two knives, princess.”
Jo snorted.
“Amateur move,” he’d said, then added, “Don’t worry. I forgive you.”
So, yeah. Everyone is afraid of Jo Harvelle, including the entire football team and the chess geeks and the cheerleaders and the farm boys and even those creepy guys who hang out behind the bleachers and pierce things and claim they eat babies.
By the time the summer before senior year rolls around, Jo is positive she is going to go to college a virgin.
*
Oh, and another thing.
If Jo tells you some bullshit story about his elbow in her ear or the ends of his sweaty mullet falling into her face over and over again, the girl’s off her goddamn rocker.
Ask her how many times she came. Go on, he can wait.
*
Everyone has had way more sex than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you. That one’s a given, really.
Granted, it’s senior year and there ain’t much to do in this county but drink, fuck, and beat people up. The problem is that if you can’t find anyone to fuck, you have to fall back on that third option. And if they haven’t heard about Jo’s delightful weapons charge, they’ve all heard of or gotten a personal peek at the shotgun her mother keeps behind the bar.
So while the other girls in the locker room after gym class yammer on about what they did with their boyfriends in the bench seats of their pickup trucks, Jo just nurses the bruises on her knuckles from the hunter she’d had to wallop last weekend for grabbing her ass at the jukebox.
“Steve brought me tulips instead of roses,” Betsy Camden squeals to all of her friends as she tugs on her expensive cashmere sweater. “And he took me out to the field behind his parent’s house and we made love under the stars. Isn’t that romantic?”
Her friends coo happily.
Tina glances over at Jo with a roll of her eyes and mutters, “Not half as romantic as finding out afterwards about the raging case of gonorrhea he gave her.”
Jo chokes on her laughter. “Hey, at least she’s having sex, which is more than some of us can say.”
“Some of us can also say we don’t have ‘buy one, get one free’ coupons at the local abortion clinic,” Tina says as she slams her locker closed. Tina might be the biggest tramp in three counties and damn proud of it, but she also has enough brains to carry an entire pharmacy in her purse and doesn’t fuck anyone likely to be holding more diseases than the fridge at the CDC.
“I’d just like a little romance to, is all,” Jo says, zipping up her jeans.
Waiting until the others left the locker room, Tina leans against the lockers and flashes Jo a smile. “Don’t listen to them, sunshine,” she says. “Your first time is going to be messy and awkward and there’s going to be arms and legs everywhere.”
Jo frowns. “You really like to ruin it for a girl, don’t you?”
“You’ll get over it,” Tina says, and giggles like she’s never heard anything funnier.
*
Also, he never said anything about wanting a blowjob.
But hell, the girl wanted to practice, and a bad blowjob is still a fucking blowjob.
*
Everyone holds their liquor better than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, because she’s a scrawny little seventeen-year-old with barely enough heft to get a part-time job as a respectable paperweight. So when Ellen heads off to parts unknown to pick up a heavily injured hunter for a little rest and relaxation at the roadhouse, Ash fills her up with enough Bud and bud to loosen her up.
She spends twenty minutes hunched over on his bed alternately giggling and hiccupping. It’s like she’s a cartoon.
“You gonna stop moping around this place anytime soon?” he says, because if he’s going to wheedle a promise out of her to not be such a fucking teenager he might as well do it now.
She sniffles and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Maybe,” she says, then frowns, her nose crinkling up. “Hey, make me a deal.”
“What kind of a deal?”
She leans forward with this wicked little smile on her face, lips all full and pink and teasing, and it’s a damn good thing he’s wearing pants right now. “If I haven’t gotten laid by the time I turn eighteen,” she says, “you do it.”
He takes a long pull of his beer and says, “I prefer my balls to remain in the same zip code as me, thank you very much.”
“My mom would not do anything with your balls,” she drawls.
“And thank God for that,” he says.
There’s a long silence before she says, “Come on, Ash. I don’t want to leave home a virgin.”
“You do realize you’re not going off to war, right?”
“Pfft,” Jo says. It comes out sounding more like a raspberry, and when she waves her hand in the air it doesn’t make it look much better. She bats her eyelashes at him and pouts. “Please?”
He don’t have a lot of real friends, but Jo’s one of the best.
“Aw, hell,” he mutters.
She goes back to giggling hysterically for a half an hour.
Everyone holds their smoke better than Jo Harvelle, too.
*
Oh, and it really doesn’t even matter if Jo whacked him in the face with her hand during one of the better orgasms and he ended up sprawled out naked on the floor with her draped over the edge of the bed laughing at him so hard her eyelids started twitching.
The fact she didn’t bother to cover up her tits at the time more than made up for it.
*
Everyone has more patience than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, because if you could manage to wait more than two minutes before throwing yourself at your best friend you’ve got her beat by half. Ellen makes an overnight run for supplies on the spur of the moment two days after Jo turns eighteen and it only takes her thirty seconds before she’s heading back to Ash’s room and yanking off her tank top along the way.
Ash is naked when he answers the door, but that ain’t nothing new.
“Hey,” she says, pushing past him and walking directly into a cloud of pot smoke, black light, and a delightful soundtrack of cheap seventies-era porn. “Come on, stud. Let’s go.”
His brow furrows as he turns around. “You were serious about that?”
Jo pulls down the zipper of her jeans and wriggles out of them and Ash perks up in interesting places.
“Hell, yeah,” she says, then trips trying to get out her jeans and yelps as she falls onto his bed.
He smirks. “Oh, this should be a hell of a thing,” he says, and moves towards the bed.
*
Look, it ain’t the best sex Ash has ever had.
Jo won’t admit it but she’s as ticklish as can be, so one wrong move of his hand when he’s going down on her and he gets a heel in his kidney hard enough to have him making cracks about pissing blood later.
They get into a twenty-minute argument over whether or not his dick actually counts as big or small or in between, which he wins if only because it’s the only one she’s ever seen.
She gets bored waiting for him to get it up again and starts doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper, only to have to ask him for most of the answers anyway.
The first time he comes on her she bitches about how gross it is and tries to rub it off on him in retaliation.
And okay, maybe somebody’s elbow ends up in somebody else’s ear, but it sure as hell isn’t his.
So yeah, it ain’t the best sex Ash has ever had.
But it’s definitely the most fun he’s had in bed in years for all of that.
Author: Troll Princess
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ash/Jo
Warnings: Awkward goofy first-time sex. *is poked in the side* Okay, FINE. Completely fabulous, wonderful, perfect, ruining-you-for-other-people sex. Sheesh.
Summary: Jo does not want to be a virgin when she heads off to college, and what good is a best friend if not for a back-up plan?
Author’s note: Written for the
spn_roadhouse prompt, Jo loses her virginity to Ash, or Gordon, or both. While I couldn’t see Gordon in the mix, just imagining Jo losing her virginity to Ash makes me giggle. Heh.The Extremely Smooth Seduction (And Don’t Let Anyone Ever Tell You Otherwise) Of Dr. Badass
*
Everyone hates Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, and you’ve never even met her. She has that effect on people, although she guesses it probably doesn’t help that she pulls stupid stunts like sneaking in a six-inch serrated blade on her first day of her new high school in a special sheath she’d sewn into her soft shaggy Ugg boots.
Try saying that five times fast.
It had probably been a bad idea to wear the dumb boots anyway, but she’d been trying for normal, damn it. Just like all of the other hunters, she’d researched the damn job down to the tiny detail, watching dozens of hours of MTV and taking handfuls of Tylenol when the screeching from the television and her own eye-rolling gave her a migraine. After spotting half a dozen rock stars wearing them, it had been easy enough to get the damn boots once she’d talked one of the guys at the bar into ordering them from Australia for her.
Mom had said, “Joanna Beth, you’d better not turn this into that last school all over again,” which loosely translated to avoiding bringing sharp weaponry to school and kicking at least three fewer boys in the crotch hard enough to require testicle relocation surgery.
The boots had been what her best friend Tina O’Malley later referred to as “pathetically desperate measures.”
A week after she’d stomped off the bus barefoot with her book bag stuffed to the gills, Ash walked into the bar one sleepy Sunday afternoon with the matted white furry boots in his grasp.
“Somewhere out there,” he declared, “there is a very cold and ugly sheepdog.”
Jo sprayed a perfectly good bottle of beer at him.
Hadn’t stopped her from laughing on and off all day as Ash had clomped through the place in the damn things (sliced open to accommodate his ginormous feet), but Ash had that effect on her.
Before we go any further, Ash would like you all to know that he is a complete and total sex god.
Everyone is afraid of Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, although that’s probably not for the same reason the boys at her school are afraid of her.
See, that knife thing? That didn’t help her reputation at all, unless she’d been wanting her reputation to be that of a psycho redneck chick with questionable taste in accessories. Depending on who you ask, she spends her weekends killing and skinning yaks, Wookies, hippies, or teddy bears. And hey, wearing the skins of adorable woodland creatures is only a hop, skip and a jump from keeping a collection of cocks in jars in her closet.
It’s pretty obvious, Jo thinks, that she’s not the one who needs therapy at Fairview High.
“You only get one chance to make a first impression,” Ash had said.
Jo had scowled at him from the other side of the kitchen table over the stack of math homework he’d been helping her with. “You saying I shouldn’t have brought the knife in the first place? Because I already got this lecture.”
Ash shook his head and said, “Two boots, two knives, princess.”
Jo snorted.
“Amateur move,” he’d said, then added, “Don’t worry. I forgive you.”
So, yeah. Everyone is afraid of Jo Harvelle, including the entire football team and the chess geeks and the cheerleaders and the farm boys and even those creepy guys who hang out behind the bleachers and pierce things and claim they eat babies.
By the time the summer before senior year rolls around, Jo is positive she is going to go to college a virgin.
Oh, and another thing.
If Jo tells you some bullshit story about his elbow in her ear or the ends of his sweaty mullet falling into her face over and over again, the girl’s off her goddamn rocker.
Ask her how many times she came. Go on, he can wait.
Everyone has had way more sex than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you. That one’s a given, really.
Granted, it’s senior year and there ain’t much to do in this county but drink, fuck, and beat people up. The problem is that if you can’t find anyone to fuck, you have to fall back on that third option. And if they haven’t heard about Jo’s delightful weapons charge, they’ve all heard of or gotten a personal peek at the shotgun her mother keeps behind the bar.
So while the other girls in the locker room after gym class yammer on about what they did with their boyfriends in the bench seats of their pickup trucks, Jo just nurses the bruises on her knuckles from the hunter she’d had to wallop last weekend for grabbing her ass at the jukebox.
“Steve brought me tulips instead of roses,” Betsy Camden squeals to all of her friends as she tugs on her expensive cashmere sweater. “And he took me out to the field behind his parent’s house and we made love under the stars. Isn’t that romantic?”
Her friends coo happily.
Tina glances over at Jo with a roll of her eyes and mutters, “Not half as romantic as finding out afterwards about the raging case of gonorrhea he gave her.”
Jo chokes on her laughter. “Hey, at least she’s having sex, which is more than some of us can say.”
“Some of us can also say we don’t have ‘buy one, get one free’ coupons at the local abortion clinic,” Tina says as she slams her locker closed. Tina might be the biggest tramp in three counties and damn proud of it, but she also has enough brains to carry an entire pharmacy in her purse and doesn’t fuck anyone likely to be holding more diseases than the fridge at the CDC.
“I’d just like a little romance to, is all,” Jo says, zipping up her jeans.
Waiting until the others left the locker room, Tina leans against the lockers and flashes Jo a smile. “Don’t listen to them, sunshine,” she says. “Your first time is going to be messy and awkward and there’s going to be arms and legs everywhere.”
Jo frowns. “You really like to ruin it for a girl, don’t you?”
“You’ll get over it,” Tina says, and giggles like she’s never heard anything funnier.
Also, he never said anything about wanting a blowjob.
But hell, the girl wanted to practice, and a bad blowjob is still a fucking blowjob.
Everyone holds their liquor better than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, because she’s a scrawny little seventeen-year-old with barely enough heft to get a part-time job as a respectable paperweight. So when Ellen heads off to parts unknown to pick up a heavily injured hunter for a little rest and relaxation at the roadhouse, Ash fills her up with enough Bud and bud to loosen her up.
She spends twenty minutes hunched over on his bed alternately giggling and hiccupping. It’s like she’s a cartoon.
“You gonna stop moping around this place anytime soon?” he says, because if he’s going to wheedle a promise out of her to not be such a fucking teenager he might as well do it now.
She sniffles and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Maybe,” she says, then frowns, her nose crinkling up. “Hey, make me a deal.”
“What kind of a deal?”
She leans forward with this wicked little smile on her face, lips all full and pink and teasing, and it’s a damn good thing he’s wearing pants right now. “If I haven’t gotten laid by the time I turn eighteen,” she says, “you do it.”
He takes a long pull of his beer and says, “I prefer my balls to remain in the same zip code as me, thank you very much.”
“My mom would not do anything with your balls,” she drawls.
“And thank God for that,” he says.
There’s a long silence before she says, “Come on, Ash. I don’t want to leave home a virgin.”
“You do realize you’re not going off to war, right?”
“Pfft,” Jo says. It comes out sounding more like a raspberry, and when she waves her hand in the air it doesn’t make it look much better. She bats her eyelashes at him and pouts. “Please?”
He don’t have a lot of real friends, but Jo’s one of the best.
“Aw, hell,” he mutters.
She goes back to giggling hysterically for a half an hour.
Everyone holds their smoke better than Jo Harvelle, too.
Oh, and it really doesn’t even matter if Jo whacked him in the face with her hand during one of the better orgasms and he ended up sprawled out naked on the floor with her draped over the edge of the bed laughing at him so hard her eyelids started twitching.
The fact she didn’t bother to cover up her tits at the time more than made up for it.
Everyone has more patience than Jo Harvelle.
Yes, probably even you, because if you could manage to wait more than two minutes before throwing yourself at your best friend you’ve got her beat by half. Ellen makes an overnight run for supplies on the spur of the moment two days after Jo turns eighteen and it only takes her thirty seconds before she’s heading back to Ash’s room and yanking off her tank top along the way.
Ash is naked when he answers the door, but that ain’t nothing new.
“Hey,” she says, pushing past him and walking directly into a cloud of pot smoke, black light, and a delightful soundtrack of cheap seventies-era porn. “Come on, stud. Let’s go.”
His brow furrows as he turns around. “You were serious about that?”
Jo pulls down the zipper of her jeans and wriggles out of them and Ash perks up in interesting places.
“Hell, yeah,” she says, then trips trying to get out her jeans and yelps as she falls onto his bed.
He smirks. “Oh, this should be a hell of a thing,” he says, and moves towards the bed.
Look, it ain’t the best sex Ash has ever had.
Jo won’t admit it but she’s as ticklish as can be, so one wrong move of his hand when he’s going down on her and he gets a heel in his kidney hard enough to have him making cracks about pissing blood later.
They get into a twenty-minute argument over whether or not his dick actually counts as big or small or in between, which he wins if only because it’s the only one she’s ever seen.
She gets bored waiting for him to get it up again and starts doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper, only to have to ask him for most of the answers anyway.
The first time he comes on her she bitches about how gross it is and tries to rub it off on him in retaliation.
And okay, maybe somebody’s elbow ends up in somebody else’s ear, but it sure as hell isn’t his.
So yeah, it ain’t the best sex Ash has ever had.
But it’s definitely the most fun he’s had in bed in years for all of that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 05:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 05:41 am (UTC)*draws little love hearts around you*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 05:45 am (UTC)only you could make me love this pairing so much. and god, they both sounded so much like *themselves*, this is totally my new canon.
\o/
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 06:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 06:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 06:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:19 am (UTC)ok, once again, would you mind linking (or would you mind me linking) to this post at
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 08:03 am (UTC)I can so picture him saying that, too. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 08:14 am (UTC)^____^ Yay for Ash's POV in this! I didn't know what angle you'd go with on this pairing but I clicked anyway because it's you, and I was super curious, and this was so GREAT! Adorkable and fun! ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 08:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 10:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 11:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 02:44 pm (UTC)Just funny and IC and cute enough to make me want to pat it on the head.
(Hah, I totally thought Ash was her brother, and I'm amused to find out I apparently missed something.)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 05:06 pm (UTC)Perfect!
:)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 05:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 06:40 pm (UTC)That was fucking hilarious. *giggles hysterically*
I love you. I love you for this.
Damn. I'm not even a Jo girl really. But this is pretty amazing. I'm not going to lie. ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:13 pm (UTC):D
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 07:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 09:20 pm (UTC)*glee*
no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 12:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 04:50 am (UTC)But really, this was hilariously amusing. There is no way I could ever pass up a realistic-sex fic. And my OTP wasn't split-up, so that made it okay too.
Love and Hugs!
<333 RE
no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 06:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 10:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 10:31 pm (UTC)Found this fic via the newsletter, in case you're curious.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-11 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-12 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-12 04:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-19 06:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-20 01:57 am (UTC)*adds to memories*
no subject
Date: 2007-10-27 09:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-03 11:03 pm (UTC)Ok, so I recced this vid (http://tahirire.livejournal.com/93484.html) yesterday, and in return someone recced me this story, and OMG. LOLOL.
By itself this story is gold. Line it up with the vid? And suddenly it becomes double-platinum.
*dies of laff*
no subject
Date: 2009-06-15 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-16 08:15 am (UTC)