(no subject)

[apocalypsos]

The Core: A Review in Q&A Form

I quit.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I said I quit. Do you know how many brain cells I killed the first time I watched this movie? Jesus, I forgot how to tie my shoelaces! I've been wearing velcro shoes ever since.

Gee, sucks to be you, huh?

There is no possible way you could make The Core interesting.

Oh, yeah? Well, did you know that if you turn the TV on mute and watch the movie, it looks just like a NOVA special on human reproduction with much better special effects?

... okay, maybe I stand corrected. So go on and tell me what this is about again.

Once upon the time, there was a pretty blue planet covered with idiots. Some of these idiots had a magic machine that ... hell, I don't know. Turned everybody in Rhode Island into zombies and married fish to puppies and ... er, made every area on the planet that wasn't part of a major metropolitan city suddenly vanish without a trace, which is why when bad shit starts happening, it's always at recognizable national landmarks.

Yeah, but what about the Earth's core?

Oh, they stop that sucker right the fuck up, which if this movie is any indication, means we're all going to turn bright purple and spew confetti from an uncomfortable place and have exploding heads. Or, uh, something.

You're just making this shit up as you go along, aren't you?

Hey, if the screenwriters can, why can't I?

You mean the science is bogus?

I mean the science in this movie makes the baby Einstein cry. That's what I mean.

Okay, fine. The core stops ... doing whatever the hell it normally does. What the hell does it normally do?

Well, it likes crocheting, baking, candlelit dinners, and long walks on the beach at sunset. And also, spinning over and over again until it falls over or throws up, whichever comes first.

How do you fix something like that?

Oh, you send six dopes down into it in a ship shaped like a penis, and then they get it really wasted and tie a blindfold over its eyes and dare it to play Blind Man's Bluff. Works every time.

Speaking of wasted, what's wrong with you?

Bacardi Silver comes in black cherry and low carb, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Whatever, you lush. Who gets stuck in this lovely little innerspace ship, anyway?

Josh ... A genius professor of sonic vibrations or something kind of like it. I put it that way because I can pretty much assure you that any class he teaches is all bullshit anyway. Is played by Aaron Eckhart, who when clean-shaven makes it obvious that he's compiled entirely of parts from other actors in such a way as to look eerily like a baby bird.



See?

Beck ... The ship's illustrious pilot. Was the youngest person in space, is the closest thing to a romantic lead, and admits she's always right, thereby making every other Mary Sue in existence seethe with jealousy. Lives through the movie because she's the only one on the ship with a working vagina and someone has to stay alive to repopulate the cast. Plus, she's the only other cast member who looks enough like a bird to hook up with Josh.



Rat ... A notorious computer hacker brought in to hack the Internet, because it's not like anybody really uses phones, mail, newspapers, or cable TV to get information anymore. Demands Hot Pockets and "Xena" tapes for his troubles, just in case you thought the demands of the "Armageddon" crew weren't stupid enough. He's not actually in the ship, but hey, he does look exactly an adorable baby bunny rabbit.



Okay, so maybe he doesn't. I just really wanted to use that picture.

Zimsky ... The arrogant uber-genius scientist in charge. Is played by Stanley Tucci, which means his needing a sound smack upside the head is pretty much a given. Spends the entire ride into the core pretending he's Cousteau and acting like an asshole, an attitude that totally changes during the brilliantly executed plot point when the soundtrack tells him to. Dies because he's a jerk, and jerks never survive these things.

Braz ... Zimsky's former partner who broke it off with him right before he ran off to cry into his pillow. Moved out into the desert on a nice quiet neighborhood full of kooky disenfranchised yet prophetically brilliant scientists, and spent all of his time building a ship he apparently got the idea for after watching the Kathy Ireland epic Alien from L.A. Dies because he's a black guy, and black guys never survive these things.

Serge ... Josh's delightfully French weapons-expert buddy. Played by Tcheky Karyo, which means there is no possible way he could not be cooler than every other cast member combined. Dies because he has a chronic syndrome which causes him to mention his wife and daughters every other line of dialogue, and guys too stupid not to stop themselves from mentioning the wife and sprogs every other line of dialogue never survive these things.

Col. Iverson ... Beck's chock-full-o'-platitudes boss. Has the audacity to try and steal Josh's thunder by being all heroic and whatnot, which pisses off the movie enough to drop a crystal right through the bull's-eye on the top of his helmet. Dies because he's the captain, and captains never survive these things.

All right, joker. Save me some time and trouble and tell me who lives through this crapfest.

Well, Josh obviously, because when do they ever kill the lead? And Beck obviously, because when do they ever kill the vagina? And Rat, but that's mostly because he wasn't on the ship and whatever implausability they could have used to let him choke to death on a Hot Pocket during a overwhelmingly sapphic "Xena" episode was used up writing the freakin' plot.

Did you find it funny that the actress who plays George's crack-whore-looking alter ego on "Dead Like Me" was in Josh's lousy sound class?

Hysterically funny in a very fangirlish way. I was hoping it was a sign of his impending demise, preferably in some embarassing accident like inhaling his trumpet, but alas, it was not to be.

Was it just me, or were there a lot of people in Boston during that first sequence who had pacemakers?

Maybe the Red Sox had Free Pacemaker Day at the stadium the week before or something.

Is it really all that odd when it rains birds in London?

Well, it rains cats and dogs. Why not birds?

That was a crappy joke, you know.

Sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to use the words "Hitchcock" and "bitchslap" together in the same sentence.

Hey, didn't I see a fish hit that store window during the bird attack on London?

Yes. Yes, you did.

Was that the effects department having fun at my expense?

No, actually that was Lew Zealand and one of his famous boomerang fish.

How many points do I get for knowing who Lew Zealand is?

Four. Use them wisely, padawan.

So when San Francisco got microwaved, did it smell like fried rice?

I hate you sometimes, you know that?

I know. Say, how many times do you estimate Josh wanted to ask Beck if they could have sex right then and there?

According to my notes, seventeen times. He's a horny little bastard in my head, but then, he also eats worms and lives in a nest in my head, so my brain probably shouldn't be trusted.

So I've got to know. If the stupid people used their big scary machine to stop the core from spinning, then why didn't they tell the crew of this magically heroic innerspace ship?

Well, it's not like it was important, really.

Seems important to me.

Yes, but you have a brain. You wouldn't understand.

And you do?

Yes, but like a much lamer Beastmaster, I can understand the mental workings of blubbering invertebrates.

Hmm. That must be why we get along so swimmingly.

I don't want to know the punchline to this one, do I?

Probably not. Hey, when Josh and Beck end up in the ship all alone at the end of the movie at the core of the Earth, which was at a balmy 9000 degrees, why weren't they instantaneously fried alive?

Because the entire ship was made out of unobtanium, which comes from the Latin for "ten pounds of bullshit stuffed into a thimble."

So after mentioning the two of them being fried alive and looking at those lovely separated-at-birth photos from above, just how much would you kill for some KFC right about now?

I'll pay for the bucket if you go and get it.

Not a chance, bucko.

Aw, nuts.

Comments

hee!

[calystarose.livejournal.com]

thank you!

[http://users.livejournal.com/___destijl/]

I think I have to see this movie now. Mostly because I am attracted to computer-types named after rodents.

...I'm pathetic.

[astaria51.livejournal.com]

ROCK ON! I thought I was the only one who noticed that.

Next movie: starring Ferret, hacking his way through the oh-so-scientifically-unfounded-system of yet another subterranean ship.

Also -- I want your icon. *hearts Mouse*

[http://users.livejournal.com/___destijl/]

Honestly? I squee-ed when I saw the name 'Rat.'

Who's up for making Ferret? We can find yet another scrawny yet somehow seriously attractive geek-type and make millions.

Mouse is some kind of Australian sex god. I want him. *hearts him a lot*

[I didn't make the icon, crazybee did. I think you can steal it.]

[ingole.livejournal.com]

Mouse is some kind of Australian sex god.

Ack! Or, you know, he's the dork who played 'Damian' on Home and Away, Australia's worst show, for about five years. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/___destijl/]

Still think he's hot. I know I have weird taste.

[cacklebang.livejournal.com]

Your baby bunny kills me SO DEAD I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW CUTE IT IS.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Actually, that was maybe the second-cutest bunny pic I've seen so far on baaaaabyanimals. That sucker kills me dead every time I look at it, much like DJ Qualls. :)

[akacat]

the science in this movie makes the baby Einstein cry

I think you undershot just a smidge there.

The science in this movie is bad enough to make the baby *Bush* cry.

[anne-jumps.livejournal.com]

So what's the line that was making you laugh so much?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The one about Beck having to stay alive to repopulate the cast. Maybe it's just me and my buzz, but that was three times as funny after I wrote it down as it was in my head.

[alicamel.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha!

Thanks. :)

[adjectivegirl.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. The pictures, the laughing, the pure grain snark. ::falls over from laughter::

You know what they need to do in Hollywood? Install you at pre-screenings so you can fill notecard upon notecard on how they can avoid late night jokes.

[silverhill.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Can I have four points for knowing who Lew Zealand is, too?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Dude, everybody gets four points for that. Lew Zealand is the best Muppet there is, if only for wearing a ruff and throwing fish at the movie screen in "The Muppets Take Manhattan". Why can't I get away with that shit?

[snellios.livejournal.com]

This film was made just for you to Q&A it.

[randomblade.livejournal.com]

*dying*

*Incoherent*

*deep breath*

I'm currently choking on my own tongue. You are hysterical. I am in awe. AWE. OOOORRRRRE.

[whitetower.livejournal.com]

I liked the part where their Little Rubber Suits with Faceplates protected them from the 40000000 pounds per square inch of pressure. I'd been so looking forward to seeing the door crack open and them squoosh instantly into their boots. But, y'know, walking around completely unharmed is fun viewing, too.

[mommybabou.livejournal.com]

Brilliant as usual! I'm linking this in my lj! People must see!

[drewbeartx.livejournal.com]

I didn't see the movie because I value my sanity, but from the previews, I always assumed that Serge would die because he's French and, well.....in these times....

[raindroproses.livejournal.com]

Some of these idiots had a magic machine that ... hell, I don't know. Turned everybody in Rhode Island into zombies

Wow. Really? Do zombies from Rhode Island act like movie lemmings and head for the nearest cliff? 'Cause that could be useful.

So, um... d'you know where I could find one of these magic machines? great review!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_redpanda_/]

I love you. But you already know that.

PS: Tcheky! If only I knew how to pronounce that...

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

This entry officially wins the "Best Use of Photos of Baby Animals in a Movie Review, Ever" prize.

[currawong.livejournal.com]

I saw it....must try to regain use of jaw,,,,,,brain hurts....errrr!

[chicklet25.livejournal.com]

Omg, that bunny picture is the cutest thing ever. So cute that it took me three damn tries to type out 'picture'.

And I'll be taking my four points for knowing who Lew Zealand is and trade them in for friending you (after spending far too much time reading every single one of your movie reviews... aaaand, wiping down my soaking wet monitor and keyboard).

[ketaki.livejournal.com]

It's no use.

Because the entire ship was made out of unobtanium, which comes from the Latin for "ten pounds of bullshit stuffed into a thimble."

That broke my brain - then it ran out of my ears and staged a protest for pre-warned impairment.

Now what? I have to start uni next year!

[jira-rd.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm apparently reviewing half of your reviews. Sorry.

Man, the only characters I liked were Josh, Beck, Rat, and Braz. And even then, I barely liked the first two. But very good summary. I was sitting there going nuts over the terrible science.