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Sep. 15th, 2004 09:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosSo, yeah. What I mentioned last night about Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants really being the Lord, Our God, in disguise.
Only one of the following statements can be true.
1. Matt Damon is really gay.
2. Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants are really the Lord, Our God, in disguise.
Now, you'd think the obvious choice would be the first option, since he seems in that third picture to be enjoying his lap dance quite a bit and he and Ben Affleck have been in a long-term relationship that's lasted longer than the marriages of Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Nicolas Cage combined. (No, seriously. Do the math.)
But I'd like to argue that the second option is the correct one.
To do so, we must assume that the first option is false and Matt Damon is straight as could be. (*choke* I'm sorry, did I laugh? It was an accident. I tripped, I fell. :)) Assuming that, in the crudest euphemisms possible, Matt Damon likes fish better than kielbasa rather than the other way around, it gives that lap dance an entirely new dimension.
First off, Hugh Jackman is playing a role in which giving a cute guy a lap dance while wearing gold lame pants is not that much of a stretch. Matt Damon, however, is playing Matt Damon. He also seems to be just as transfixed with the hypnotic gyrations of Hugh's metallic crotch as any red-blooded heterosexual female. Name me one straight guy who'd smile happily during a lap dance from a guy and I'll show you a guy too stupid to realize he's getting a lap dance from a transvestite. I don't think that I need to point out that Hugh Jackman is not a transvestite ... well, not in this set of shots, anyway.
Therefore, something must be brainwashing our sweet, stupid Matt into enjoying the pelvic intentions of our flamboyant hero. You might be asking, What could it be? Well, obviously, it's the pants. The shirt, while very pretty, is also leopard-spotted, saying to the world, "Watch as I hide successfully in these dappled forest shadows!" However, the pants would be distracting even if set against a backdrop of a nuclear explosion. Besides, the pants are holding the crotch.
I maintain that Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants are, at the very least, a powerful entity with some kind of mental strength. As mesmerizing as Hugh Jackman's middle bits are, they're not strong enough of their own to break the tough bonds of male heterosexuality. So, whatever those pants are, they have some sort of power that cannot be denied and might even be feared.
Enter Matt Damon. (Excuse me while I have a dirty mental image ... okay, I'm done.) Matt has portrayed a number of intense, intelligent characters, but not many as metaphysically substantial as Loki in Dogma. Matt did a damn fine job in the role, pardon the pun, and considering his fine acting abilities and obvious research for the role, I can only assume that he arranged (along with Alan Rickman, who probably already knew the big lug in question) to meet up with God for a jam session. So, when Matt was smiling down at Hugh in that third picture, is it because he's entranced by the wondrous display before him, or is he amused that his old omnipotent drinking buddy has swathed himself around the freely swinging hips of a Broadway star?
I think the answer lies in the photo at the bottom, of Barbara Walters being on the receiving end of a dancing sandwich in which Hugh and Matt pretty much attack her with their pelvises. I would say that they were giving her a great and wondrous gift, but if they were going to gift someone with the crotches of two such fine gentlemen, why bother with Barbara Walters?
I'll tell you why -- because Barbara Walters is pure Satanic evil, and Hugh, his omnipresent gold-covered crotch, and his faithful servant Matt the Heterosexual are smiting her with their dance moves. I mean, for Pete's sake, look at the terrified look on her face! What straight woman looks that petrified with Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon giving them a lap dance? She fears the Lord, I tell you!
So, are Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants really the Lord, Our God?
Yes ... yes, they are.
Only one of the following statements can be true.
1. Matt Damon is really gay.
2. Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants are really the Lord, Our God, in disguise.
Now, you'd think the obvious choice would be the first option, since he seems in that third picture to be enjoying his lap dance quite a bit and he and Ben Affleck have been in a long-term relationship that's lasted longer than the marriages of Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Nicolas Cage combined. (No, seriously. Do the math.)
But I'd like to argue that the second option is the correct one.
To do so, we must assume that the first option is false and Matt Damon is straight as could be. (*choke* I'm sorry, did I laugh? It was an accident. I tripped, I fell. :)) Assuming that, in the crudest euphemisms possible, Matt Damon likes fish better than kielbasa rather than the other way around, it gives that lap dance an entirely new dimension.
First off, Hugh Jackman is playing a role in which giving a cute guy a lap dance while wearing gold lame pants is not that much of a stretch. Matt Damon, however, is playing Matt Damon. He also seems to be just as transfixed with the hypnotic gyrations of Hugh's metallic crotch as any red-blooded heterosexual female. Name me one straight guy who'd smile happily during a lap dance from a guy and I'll show you a guy too stupid to realize he's getting a lap dance from a transvestite. I don't think that I need to point out that Hugh Jackman is not a transvestite ... well, not in this set of shots, anyway.
Therefore, something must be brainwashing our sweet, stupid Matt into enjoying the pelvic intentions of our flamboyant hero. You might be asking, What could it be? Well, obviously, it's the pants. The shirt, while very pretty, is also leopard-spotted, saying to the world, "Watch as I hide successfully in these dappled forest shadows!" However, the pants would be distracting even if set against a backdrop of a nuclear explosion. Besides, the pants are holding the crotch.
I maintain that Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants are, at the very least, a powerful entity with some kind of mental strength. As mesmerizing as Hugh Jackman's middle bits are, they're not strong enough of their own to break the tough bonds of male heterosexuality. So, whatever those pants are, they have some sort of power that cannot be denied and might even be feared.
Enter Matt Damon. (Excuse me while I have a dirty mental image ... okay, I'm done.) Matt has portrayed a number of intense, intelligent characters, but not many as metaphysically substantial as Loki in Dogma. Matt did a damn fine job in the role, pardon the pun, and considering his fine acting abilities and obvious research for the role, I can only assume that he arranged (along with Alan Rickman, who probably already knew the big lug in question) to meet up with God for a jam session. So, when Matt was smiling down at Hugh in that third picture, is it because he's entranced by the wondrous display before him, or is he amused that his old omnipotent drinking buddy has swathed himself around the freely swinging hips of a Broadway star?
I think the answer lies in the photo at the bottom, of Barbara Walters being on the receiving end of a dancing sandwich in which Hugh and Matt pretty much attack her with their pelvises. I would say that they were giving her a great and wondrous gift, but if they were going to gift someone with the crotches of two such fine gentlemen, why bother with Barbara Walters?
I'll tell you why -- because Barbara Walters is pure Satanic evil, and Hugh, his omnipresent gold-covered crotch, and his faithful servant Matt the Heterosexual are smiting her with their dance moves. I mean, for Pete's sake, look at the terrified look on her face! What straight woman looks that petrified with Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon giving them a lap dance? She fears the Lord, I tell you!
So, are Hugh Jackman's gold lame pants really the Lord, Our God?
Yes ... yes, they are.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-15 01:36 pm (UTC)Also, in update: the pants are the moon, and Matt Damon is an Avatar of God, but we generally agree that Barbara Walters is evil. Also, sorry TP, but you're a false prophet.
Though, y'know, I thinking you being a false prophet might suit you more than being a real one, unless you're a Dogma-style Prophet, which come to think of it most of the Prophets of Amnatheism would seem to be.
Watch it as it develops (http://www.livejournal.com/community/amnatheism/2332.html).
no subject
Date: 2004-09-15 10:36 pm (UTC)Maybe we should start a jihaha on the Church of Gold Lame and see if that wins us any converts.
-CONVERT OR TASTE MY STEEL!!
-Um, that's cardboard wrapped in tinfoil...
- <_< Yeah. I forgot the real sword back at the camel ford a while back...