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Nov. 14th, 2004 11:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosBefore anything starts, I'd just like to point out that this is so a Poor Man's Day After Tomorrow, even without counting the Poor Man's Quaid and the Poor Man's Fifteen-Tornados-Just-Hit-My-City-All-At-Once.
Oh, look, it's Las Vegas. And nothing's blown up yet, which means I'm not having any fun. Outside of the casinos, there's a thunderstorm, punctuated by some dumbass winning at the slots after a lightning strike. He invites the chick next to him up to the room for nookie, and she accepts because, as we later learn, she wants to use his bathroom. And if my illustrious trip to a public restroom today was any indication of why, I don't blame her.
An engaged couple runs into Jesus on their way into a wedding chapel. What the hell is in Las Vegas for Jesus aside from booze, gambling and porn? Oh, look at me, answering my own question.
Weathermen freak out. End scene.
The newly married couple pose for photos outside the chapel while tornadoes blow around them. God, please don't let these people reproduce.
The gambler and his lady enter his room. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," he says, and if I couldn't wait for him to get sucked into a tornado before, I'm positively begging for it now. Lady goes to the little girl's room.
The winds kicking up outside, and there goes the bride's dress. Hee.
Oh, shit, tornado! This is right about the time that Dumbass Gambler is sucked into the tornado, and since this is some of the only good action I'm probably going to get this hour, YAY!
Everybody flips out and run into the streets, which is something we all learned to do when five thousand tornados strike at once. Half of Las Vegas gets destroyed. Unfortunately, it's the fun half. Somewhere off in the rest of the country, a hundred thousand CSI fans write Nick/Greg post-tornado hurt/comfort fic like it's going out of style.
In Last Chance, Nevada, Ma and Pa Kettle sit on the porch of their ... wait, is that a house or a tool shed with a porch? Whatever. All that matters is that a craps table (at least I think it's craps ... like I know from gambling) falls from the sky and slams into their ... wait, is that a yard or -- okay, yeah, it's a yard. Then a roulette wheel rolls through. Dude, all the way from Las Vegas? Color me impressed. Then it rains money. Excuse me while I move to Last Chance, Nevada.
Brian Dennehy and crowd watch Las Vegas get tornado trampled. Brian Dennehy is bitchy, but then, if you were Brian Dennehy, wouldn't you be? A dorky flunkie talk to Brian Dennehy, and apparently wants his job.
Over in Chicago, Nancy McKeon is bitching about her job as a reporter, because she doesn't get to report on anything important. Today, it's kids swimming in the fountain. Hey, some of us think that's important, but then again, some of us are just about to head into winter and kind of like imagining it were hot enough once again to demand we jump into a fountain.
At their house, Thomas Gibson (who I'll call Greg because you know that's what you're calling him in your head) and his wife Not!Dharma worry because it's hot. Oooo, heat waves. Please tell me Chicago gets set on fire ... again. Except not by a cow. Unless that cow is Greg and Not!Dharma's possibly slutty daughter.
Dianne Wiest says something I'm supposed to care about on the TV, but since nothing's exploding, I don't care. Bummer. Nancy McKeon bitches to her boss because the media's getting dumbed down and taking America with it. Congratulations, Nancy McKeon, you're only two years worth of bitching behind the rest of the country.
Greg goes to work. Snore. He runs into a blond chick who has much better hair than Not!Dharma.
In Oklahoma, Randy Quaid vomits exposition into a phone. So now it turns out he's decided he's a Poor Man's Helen Hunt. With a shaved head, and an insane laugh. Well, more insane.
Greg gives a press conference about Chicago brownouts. Nobody complains at all about how much energy Nancy McKeon's performance could supply to Chicago's electrical grid, because ... well, it couldn't.
Oh, no, Greg is having an affair! Greg's Tramp is the blond chick with nice hair. Ugh. Sorry about her lack of taste in lingerie, though.
Nancy McKeon goes to visit her brother and his wife, a woman so blossoming in babyhood, she's not just pregnant, she's PREGNANT. PREGNANT's Husband is a pilot who has to go fly over the storm, apparently for as long as it takes for PREGNANT to spew their offspring somewhere he's not according to the plot. Nancy McKeon swears to hold PREGNANT's hand through the birth. If Nancy McKeon greeted me as I left the womb, she'd owe me thousands of dollars for therapy.
Brian Dennehy has a new intern who doesn't make coffee. She's read all of his books and follows him around like a slavering puppy. She also looks vaguely like a young Amy Irving. She's been having troubles with the butterfly effect, prompting most of us to restrain ourselves from pointing out that we're all having trouble with the entire Ashton Kutcher ouvre. Flunkie tells Amy Intern after they're alone that Brian Dennehy's getting fired or retiring or something. Aw.
A bunch of people in suits sit in a room and talk about the electrical system. Greg's Tramp comes in and gets handed the public relations job. Excuse me while I not care a whole lot.
Nancy McKeon meets secretly in a bar with Geeky Suit. Geeky Suit demands everything be off the record. Nancy McKeon's eyebrows are depressed. Geeky Suit rambles about bad electrical stuff, then gets antsy and leaves. Something about this was supposed to be important, but since nothing flooded or exploded or flipped over, I brushed my hair instead. Hey, at least something got accomplished.
PREGNANT's Husband flies over the storm, and says to his co-pilot, "God help anyone on the water." Cut to two ships on the water, because ironic segues are amusing even in disaster movies. Hell, especially in disaster movies. Lightning strikes. Things blow up. I am happy.
Brian Dennehy & Crew watch the planet get screwed up by Mother Nature. He's all pissy that nobody's gotten around to predicting any of this, which I guess is their job. "If a dog farts in Duluth, I expect someone in this office to know about it." Ah, the immortal words of Brian Dennehy, Poet Laureate. But seriously, dogs fart in Duluth all the time. There's got to be better things to do with their free time. Or even their paid time. I'm just sayin'.
Not!Dharma watches Nancy McKeon be a bad reporter on TV. Greg comes home from boning his tramp and takes his wife's romantic gesture of lit candles as power-saving. Smooth, Greg. Reeeeeeeal smooth.
Washington, D.C. Dianne Wiest is walking with an assistant I don't care about and says the President yelled at her, then lectured her, then cursed at her. Oh, please. This can't possibly be happening in this universe. Like Bush even knows how to spell "lecture". Dianne Wiest bitches to her friend about how she warned them all, which is disaster-movie-ese for "I'll not only live through this movie, but I'll get to tell them all 'I told you so' later on!"
Brian Dennehy watches more news footage. He rambles on about their instruments, then says, "We're supposed to provide the brains." Brian Dennehy's providing the brians?! Oh, shit, we're all going to die. *screaming and Muppet arms*
Meanwhile, 1400 miles north of Chicago, hail the size of baseballs is falling, which is stupid-people-ese for "Quick! Run out to the car for no particular reason!"
Slutty Daughter is at the mall with her schlub of a boyfriend. Dude, he looks like Jeremy and/or Jason London when they were twelve. He starts a fight with whomever Slutty Daughter was slutting all over the week before.
Greg and his Tramp run into each other at work. She says she misses him. Dude, you just screwed him into a wall while wearing ugly lingerie, like, twenty four hours ago. Chill. Greg gets a call from Not!Dharma that Trampy Daughter got arrested. Or something. She's at the police station, at the very least.
Greg picks up Trampy Daughter at the police station. Oh, she's such a Maury makeover episode in the works.
Randy Quaid meets up with a van full of Japanese people. It turns out his name is Tornado Tommy. No, really. He talks about how cool tornados are to the Japanese people, who are stereotypically amused. He's just about the creepiest meteorological science teacher ever. He teaches the Japanese people about the Fujitsa scale in a way that's only slightly less subtle than jamming the exposition into their heads through their ears with his pointer. I see someone told Randy Quaid to eat any scenery he came in contact with. Randy, you know your performance is scaring people when Cousin Eddie is subtle in comparison.
More boring exposition with Nancy McKeon and Geeky Suit talking about the electricity grid. If you look in the background of that scene, you can see me getting wasted on Guinness waiting for something to happen.
Nancy's boss behaves like a real boss and tells her not to panic her viewers. Nancy McKeon doesn't want to keep people calm and grounded. Mrs. Garrett didn't feed you girls quite enough Ritalin, did she? Dumbass.
Greg's Moron Son is watching baseball when the power goes out in the stadium. At work, Greg gets a phone call. Yeah, still not interested in his job.
Amy Intern wants to show Brian Dennehy something. Hey, look, she wrote a report about an Arctic cold front. We had to do that in elementary school when the local weatherman visited.
In Amarillo, those big wind energy thingies are going insane. The wind goes nuts to the tune of 90 mph, which doesn't seem to be bothering the semi passing by on the highway, but whatever. One of the fans rolls off and cuts the semi in half. Well, that's what you get for defying the laws of physics, truck driver.
Nancy McKeon and PREGNANT go baby shopping. Nancy McKeon makes the discussion all about her uterus and its possible future issue. I'm scared, Mommy. Hold me.
Geeky Suit has a discussion with Smarmy Boss. Yeah, I don't care, either.
Greg's at another press conference. Nancy McKeon goes bitchy on his ass. You'll forgive me if I half-expected Nancy McKeon to throw down her microphone and Greg to throw down his Tramp and just go at it, already.
Not!Dharma watches Greg's Tramp look at him at the press conference. Look! It's total eye sex!
Brian Dennehy calls Greg and they talk about how Chicago's going to get all stormy. Yap, yap, yap. Just blow something up already.
PREGNANT's Husband flies his weather plane and wishes he hadn't left her. Well, duh. Did you read the script? I'd wish I hadn't left her, either, but I'm smart enough to know movie rules before I become a film character.
Not!Dharma acts upset in front of Moron Son. She calls Greg on the phone and sounds needy. And you wonder why he's having an affair?
Nancy McKeon and PREGNANT watch it storm, then get all grabby with her swollen stomach. Poor sprog. Not only is there scary thunder outside, but Nancy McKeon is trying to reach through his mother's stomach and rip him from the safety of the womb.
Up in the air, an Oceanic plane is having trouble. Wait, wasn't the plane on Lost from Oceanic? If that's a real airline, I'm never even getting near the ticket counter. That karma's killing everybody.
Slutty Daughter comes home and immediately start bickering with Not!Dharma. Moron Son runs downstairs and warns everybody to unplug stuff, and duh. This family has a father who works with ... uh, vaguely electrical, vaguely stormy stuff, and they haven't done this yet? My dad's a carpenter, and one rumble of thunder had everyone in my house unplugging stuff. Sheesh. The TV in the kitchen explodes. Well, all it showed was Nancy McKeon as a lousy reporter, anyway.
Lightning strikes an electrical plant. Wheee!
Meanwhile, back on the plane, we're going to have an emergency landing. I'm going to guess that since no one on there has gotten a backstory, either nothing will die or they'll careen directly into the Sears Tower. Wait, how long has it been since 9/11? Okay, so maybe not for another two years or so.
Greg's Tramp watches a green screen ... er, the storm through her hotel room window. Hey, Smarmy Boss is there with her. Is there anybody she isn't shtupping? Oh, please tell me Brian Dennehy's on that list.
Fire trucks get ready at the airport. Wait, at O'Hare? Oh, yeah, this'll work. *eye roll*
The pilot and co-pilot work on landing the plane. Fireball! C'mon, fireball! Explode on impact, damn you! Aw, come ON. Oh, you're no fun, stupid Lost airplane.
Chicago's on fire. Also, it's Sunday.
Greg and more suits talk to Smarmy Boss about how everything's going to Hell in a C-list celebrity handbasket. Greg gets pissy and leave. Smarmy Boss leers at Greg's Tramp before leaving.
Yay! Nancy McKeon gets to report real news! Oh, wait, it's the weather. Never mind. Nancy McKeon sticks in a line about how horrible the city's resources are that nobody who told her or knew about it wanted her to mention. What a snot. Where is a PMS-ing Blair and a baseball bat when you need them?
Greg goes home and banters with the wife. Not!Dharma makes it perfectly clear she knows he's been shagging his Tramp. Greg apologizes that he's been nailing a woman who looks only slightly more like Jenna Elfman. Slutty Daughter overhears. Hee.
Randy Quaid calls Brian Dennehy from his truck. Brian Dennehy asks if he's drunk. Hey, is he drunk in every vaguely disaster-related movie he's in? Maybe that's just because he's awake. Hmm.
Geeky Suit calls Nancy McKeon and bitches because she tattled about his oh-so-secret info. Dude, you were talking to a reporter. Yeah, she's not going to win the Pulitzer ... hell, she probably couldn't even pronounce it, but still. What'd you expect her to do, write it in her LJ and lock the post?
Greg tells his Tramp that Not!Dharma found out about them. Greg's Tramp varies between concerned, guilty, and nicely coiffed.
In Alberta, Canada, it's snowing in August. Amy Intern calls to find out from a random bartender. Yeah, I don't get it, either. Amy Intern goes to tell Brian Dennehy, who's briefing his crew of Super Secret Weathermen. Flunkie stops Amy Intern from telling Brian Dennehy about the snow, but she butts in anyway. Flunkie drags her off before she can do anything rash, like that time in high school when her friends dropped a bucket of blood on the prom queen.
Brian Dennehy looks at clouds, then asks Flunkie about Amy Intern's theory. Flunkie lies, because that's what you do when you're playing third fiddle to Brian Dennehy and a lame Amy Irving lookalike.
Greg's at work again. Yawn. Some reactor is spewing extra water into the zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm sorry, I could have sworn this was all about the violent storms and exploding death.
Slutty Daughter is with her boyfriend. Spare London offers to get her a Big Guzzle (because Big Gulp is too easy to say but too expensive to pay for) and since they don't seem to have two bucks between the three of them, Spare London offers to get her one anyway and flashes his scuzzy friend the gun he's hiding under his shirt. They leave Slutty Daughter on a bench to play with a dog while they go rob an Absolutely Not A 7-11. They run away from the Absolutely Not A 7-11 with Slutty Daughter and her Big Guzzle and some Monopoly money. They go around the corner and then stop. No, they won't get caught. Slutty Daughter proceeds to whine at Spare London, who gets on her good side by immediately giving her a hickey large enough to be spotted from Mars.
Randy Quaid & Crew get out of the car so that Randy Quaid can show he's an idiot by pointing out that tornados never come south, except this one totally does. They race back into the van and have a really lame car chase through a cornfield. Helen Hunt could totally kick your ass, Randy Quaid. I'm just saying.
PREGNANT's Husband flies over the tornado ... I think. They fly weird for a minute, and then he makes another crack about PREGNANT and the sprog. Hey, stop that. Stop telling the storm you've already spread your DNA. They take that as a green light to eat you.
Nancy McKeon reports on the nuclear reactor spewing stuff into the water and killing lots of fish. Nancy McKeon's hair is very professional, which she'd probably like you to know.
Greg's Trap and Smarmy Boss have a meal with a nameless extra. Then again, he might have a name, but ... again, whatever. Smarmy Boss gets a call from Dianne Wiest. I don't know why she's calling him, but I don't care if it means I get to watch Dianne Wiest rip anyone a new asshole.
Greg's Tramp and Greg argue about all the energy crap we don't care about. Damn, that woman's got more baggage under her eyes than a week's worth of passengers on Pan Am. Not!Dharma is all upset, and Slutty Daughter has a moment of Pollyanna good behavior. Isn't any one of these people dead yet? And no, Brian Dennehy's career doesn't count.
Brian Dennehy hovers over Amy Intern and talks about bad weather we only get to see on TV screens. Uh, not to be impatient, but WHERE THE HECK ARE MY DISASTERS?!
Nancy McKeon and her pet cameraman race off to interview Geeky Suit on tape. She and Geeky Suit have an argument that's probably supposed to masquerade as sexual tension, but oh sweet holy Jesus, thank God it isn't. I think. *sigh*
Brian Dennehy goes to Flunkie and lectures him on not giving him Amy Intern's data. Flunkie says he thinks Brian Dennehy's only doing it to get into Amy Intern's pants. Uh, not to knock on Amy Intern, but a world of EWWWWW.
PREGNANT's Husband & Crew measure the weather. Meanwhile, Flunkie, Amy Intern, and Brian Dennehy remain concerned but inactive.
Slutty Daughter gets asked by Moron Son what the hell is going on. Slutty Daughter says their parents will get divorced and she'll run away. And the bad part is ... what, exactly?
Nancy McKeon shows her Geeky Suit footage to her boss, who declines it. She calls Geeky Suit about it, who gets so upset he hangs up. Hee. He works for Lexxicorp. That's just asking for a Smallville crossover. PREGNANT's Husband calls Nancy McKeon and tells her to make with the screaming and Muppet arms. Or, you know, take PREGNANT to her parents's house. They both sound so much alike, I get confused.
Greg and Not!Dharma talk on the phone. He tells her to come to his work in case of an emergency. Uh, call me crazy, but considering the plot, shouldn't they have been there, like, last week in that case?
Moron Son is riding his bike when Not!Dharma calls and tells him to go home. Oh, I wouldn't be a young boy riding a bicycle in a disaster movie. You're so going to get saved by Richard Roundtree in a leather jumpsuit, and you'll have asked for it. So there.
Slutty Daughter and Spare London argue in the mall. Oh, man, both Londons on their own are better actors than this guy. That's so wrong. Not!Dharma grabs Slutty Daughter and drags her to the bank to get emergency cash. Spare London's buddy tells him Slutty Daughter totally dissed him, and you morons, her mother dragged her off. I hope you both get eaten by dinosaurs and there aren't even any in this movie.
PREGNANT leaves her apartment. Oh, NOOOOO.
The power goes out. Okay, whatever. Hey, a hacker with a lame clear keyboard is toying with the power grid and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
PREGNANT gets stuck in an elevator with her whiny neighbor. Everybody who didn't see that coming, congratulations! You're clinically braindead! No test necessary.
The power goes out in the mall, and the escalators shut off. Oh, no! Trapped on the escalator! However will they get off?!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand power off in the bank. Jesus, why is everybody freaking out? Why don't they just do what I do when the power goes out and play Bedazzled on their cell phones?
Brian Dennehy is pissed because the power's out and the OMGWTF storm is coming and he can't tell anyone. *sniff*
Nancy's Boss puts her on the non-air and tells her to behave. Stock footage of last year's real-life blackout is shown in a way that edits out all of the New York references. Hell, it looks so old, it could be that blackout in the seventies or whenever the hell it was.
Greg gets upset at work. *sigh*
Slutty Daughter and Not!Dharma are trapped in the bank because the power went out and the doors locked and whatever. Spare London tries to talk to Slutty Daughter, but she breaks up with him. You asshat, you're breaking up with the guy with the handgun now? Can't you wait until later, when he's being sucked into a tornado or being set on fire by a cow or something? Spare London, unsurprisingly, takes that opportunity to whip out the gun and take over the bank. Oh, lovely.
Greg & Co. try to find power. They sure won't get any from this boring plotline. Was "Gigantic storm strikes entire Midwest" too simple a concept to work with here, people? You had to add all this extra "OMG the power is gone WTF?!1!!11!" stuff. Sheesh.
Safely in Washington, Dianne Wiest gets updated and calls Greg. Greg begs for help. Dianne then calls ... er, someone.
Nancy McKeon continues to report on the lack of power. Yawn.
Meanwhile, Spare London's robbing the bank ... or, you know, something.
PREGNANT's Husband is still flying. Or, you know, something.
Brian Dennehy and Randy Quaid ... oh, bugger it. Nothing's happening. Everybody's standing around calling each other and twiddling their thumbs. Except for Randy Quaid, who's busy leaving the Japanese tourists in the middle of nowhere. Okay, that was a little amusing. Hee.
More bogus reporting from Nancy McKeon. And let's flash on everyone, because we need a mental checklist to work with later on when they start dying. Nancy McKeon signs off from in front of the green screen ... er, Chicago.
Oh, look, it's Las Vegas. And nothing's blown up yet, which means I'm not having any fun. Outside of the casinos, there's a thunderstorm, punctuated by some dumbass winning at the slots after a lightning strike. He invites the chick next to him up to the room for nookie, and she accepts because, as we later learn, she wants to use his bathroom. And if my illustrious trip to a public restroom today was any indication of why, I don't blame her.
An engaged couple runs into Jesus on their way into a wedding chapel. What the hell is in Las Vegas for Jesus aside from booze, gambling and porn? Oh, look at me, answering my own question.
Weathermen freak out. End scene.
The newly married couple pose for photos outside the chapel while tornadoes blow around them. God, please don't let these people reproduce.
The gambler and his lady enter his room. "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," he says, and if I couldn't wait for him to get sucked into a tornado before, I'm positively begging for it now. Lady goes to the little girl's room.
The winds kicking up outside, and there goes the bride's dress. Hee.
Oh, shit, tornado! This is right about the time that Dumbass Gambler is sucked into the tornado, and since this is some of the only good action I'm probably going to get this hour, YAY!
Everybody flips out and run into the streets, which is something we all learned to do when five thousand tornados strike at once. Half of Las Vegas gets destroyed. Unfortunately, it's the fun half. Somewhere off in the rest of the country, a hundred thousand CSI fans write Nick/Greg post-tornado hurt/comfort fic like it's going out of style.
In Last Chance, Nevada, Ma and Pa Kettle sit on the porch of their ... wait, is that a house or a tool shed with a porch? Whatever. All that matters is that a craps table (at least I think it's craps ... like I know from gambling) falls from the sky and slams into their ... wait, is that a yard or -- okay, yeah, it's a yard. Then a roulette wheel rolls through. Dude, all the way from Las Vegas? Color me impressed. Then it rains money. Excuse me while I move to Last Chance, Nevada.
Brian Dennehy and crowd watch Las Vegas get tornado trampled. Brian Dennehy is bitchy, but then, if you were Brian Dennehy, wouldn't you be? A dorky flunkie talk to Brian Dennehy, and apparently wants his job.
Over in Chicago, Nancy McKeon is bitching about her job as a reporter, because she doesn't get to report on anything important. Today, it's kids swimming in the fountain. Hey, some of us think that's important, but then again, some of us are just about to head into winter and kind of like imagining it were hot enough once again to demand we jump into a fountain.
At their house, Thomas Gibson (who I'll call Greg because you know that's what you're calling him in your head) and his wife Not!Dharma worry because it's hot. Oooo, heat waves. Please tell me Chicago gets set on fire ... again. Except not by a cow. Unless that cow is Greg and Not!Dharma's possibly slutty daughter.
Dianne Wiest says something I'm supposed to care about on the TV, but since nothing's exploding, I don't care. Bummer. Nancy McKeon bitches to her boss because the media's getting dumbed down and taking America with it. Congratulations, Nancy McKeon, you're only two years worth of bitching behind the rest of the country.
Greg goes to work. Snore. He runs into a blond chick who has much better hair than Not!Dharma.
In Oklahoma, Randy Quaid vomits exposition into a phone. So now it turns out he's decided he's a Poor Man's Helen Hunt. With a shaved head, and an insane laugh. Well, more insane.
Greg gives a press conference about Chicago brownouts. Nobody complains at all about how much energy Nancy McKeon's performance could supply to Chicago's electrical grid, because ... well, it couldn't.
Oh, no, Greg is having an affair! Greg's Tramp is the blond chick with nice hair. Ugh. Sorry about her lack of taste in lingerie, though.
Nancy McKeon goes to visit her brother and his wife, a woman so blossoming in babyhood, she's not just pregnant, she's PREGNANT. PREGNANT's Husband is a pilot who has to go fly over the storm, apparently for as long as it takes for PREGNANT to spew their offspring somewhere he's not according to the plot. Nancy McKeon swears to hold PREGNANT's hand through the birth. If Nancy McKeon greeted me as I left the womb, she'd owe me thousands of dollars for therapy.
Brian Dennehy has a new intern who doesn't make coffee. She's read all of his books and follows him around like a slavering puppy. She also looks vaguely like a young Amy Irving. She's been having troubles with the butterfly effect, prompting most of us to restrain ourselves from pointing out that we're all having trouble with the entire Ashton Kutcher ouvre. Flunkie tells Amy Intern after they're alone that Brian Dennehy's getting fired or retiring or something. Aw.
A bunch of people in suits sit in a room and talk about the electrical system. Greg's Tramp comes in and gets handed the public relations job. Excuse me while I not care a whole lot.
Nancy McKeon meets secretly in a bar with Geeky Suit. Geeky Suit demands everything be off the record. Nancy McKeon's eyebrows are depressed. Geeky Suit rambles about bad electrical stuff, then gets antsy and leaves. Something about this was supposed to be important, but since nothing flooded or exploded or flipped over, I brushed my hair instead. Hey, at least something got accomplished.
PREGNANT's Husband flies over the storm, and says to his co-pilot, "God help anyone on the water." Cut to two ships on the water, because ironic segues are amusing even in disaster movies. Hell, especially in disaster movies. Lightning strikes. Things blow up. I am happy.
Brian Dennehy & Crew watch the planet get screwed up by Mother Nature. He's all pissy that nobody's gotten around to predicting any of this, which I guess is their job. "If a dog farts in Duluth, I expect someone in this office to know about it." Ah, the immortal words of Brian Dennehy, Poet Laureate. But seriously, dogs fart in Duluth all the time. There's got to be better things to do with their free time. Or even their paid time. I'm just sayin'.
Not!Dharma watches Nancy McKeon be a bad reporter on TV. Greg comes home from boning his tramp and takes his wife's romantic gesture of lit candles as power-saving. Smooth, Greg. Reeeeeeeal smooth.
Washington, D.C. Dianne Wiest is walking with an assistant I don't care about and says the President yelled at her, then lectured her, then cursed at her. Oh, please. This can't possibly be happening in this universe. Like Bush even knows how to spell "lecture". Dianne Wiest bitches to her friend about how she warned them all, which is disaster-movie-ese for "I'll not only live through this movie, but I'll get to tell them all 'I told you so' later on!"
Brian Dennehy watches more news footage. He rambles on about their instruments, then says, "We're supposed to provide the brains." Brian Dennehy's providing the brians?! Oh, shit, we're all going to die. *screaming and Muppet arms*
Meanwhile, 1400 miles north of Chicago, hail the size of baseballs is falling, which is stupid-people-ese for "Quick! Run out to the car for no particular reason!"
Slutty Daughter is at the mall with her schlub of a boyfriend. Dude, he looks like Jeremy and/or Jason London when they were twelve. He starts a fight with whomever Slutty Daughter was slutting all over the week before.
Greg and his Tramp run into each other at work. She says she misses him. Dude, you just screwed him into a wall while wearing ugly lingerie, like, twenty four hours ago. Chill. Greg gets a call from Not!Dharma that Trampy Daughter got arrested. Or something. She's at the police station, at the very least.
Greg picks up Trampy Daughter at the police station. Oh, she's such a Maury makeover episode in the works.
Randy Quaid meets up with a van full of Japanese people. It turns out his name is Tornado Tommy. No, really. He talks about how cool tornados are to the Japanese people, who are stereotypically amused. He's just about the creepiest meteorological science teacher ever. He teaches the Japanese people about the Fujitsa scale in a way that's only slightly less subtle than jamming the exposition into their heads through their ears with his pointer. I see someone told Randy Quaid to eat any scenery he came in contact with. Randy, you know your performance is scaring people when Cousin Eddie is subtle in comparison.
More boring exposition with Nancy McKeon and Geeky Suit talking about the electricity grid. If you look in the background of that scene, you can see me getting wasted on Guinness waiting for something to happen.
Nancy's boss behaves like a real boss and tells her not to panic her viewers. Nancy McKeon doesn't want to keep people calm and grounded. Mrs. Garrett didn't feed you girls quite enough Ritalin, did she? Dumbass.
Greg's Moron Son is watching baseball when the power goes out in the stadium. At work, Greg gets a phone call. Yeah, still not interested in his job.
Amy Intern wants to show Brian Dennehy something. Hey, look, she wrote a report about an Arctic cold front. We had to do that in elementary school when the local weatherman visited.
In Amarillo, those big wind energy thingies are going insane. The wind goes nuts to the tune of 90 mph, which doesn't seem to be bothering the semi passing by on the highway, but whatever. One of the fans rolls off and cuts the semi in half. Well, that's what you get for defying the laws of physics, truck driver.
Nancy McKeon and PREGNANT go baby shopping. Nancy McKeon makes the discussion all about her uterus and its possible future issue. I'm scared, Mommy. Hold me.
Geeky Suit has a discussion with Smarmy Boss. Yeah, I don't care, either.
Greg's at another press conference. Nancy McKeon goes bitchy on his ass. You'll forgive me if I half-expected Nancy McKeon to throw down her microphone and Greg to throw down his Tramp and just go at it, already.
Not!Dharma watches Greg's Tramp look at him at the press conference. Look! It's total eye sex!
Brian Dennehy calls Greg and they talk about how Chicago's going to get all stormy. Yap, yap, yap. Just blow something up already.
PREGNANT's Husband flies his weather plane and wishes he hadn't left her. Well, duh. Did you read the script? I'd wish I hadn't left her, either, but I'm smart enough to know movie rules before I become a film character.
Not!Dharma acts upset in front of Moron Son. She calls Greg on the phone and sounds needy. And you wonder why he's having an affair?
Nancy McKeon and PREGNANT watch it storm, then get all grabby with her swollen stomach. Poor sprog. Not only is there scary thunder outside, but Nancy McKeon is trying to reach through his mother's stomach and rip him from the safety of the womb.
Up in the air, an Oceanic plane is having trouble. Wait, wasn't the plane on Lost from Oceanic? If that's a real airline, I'm never even getting near the ticket counter. That karma's killing everybody.
Slutty Daughter comes home and immediately start bickering with Not!Dharma. Moron Son runs downstairs and warns everybody to unplug stuff, and duh. This family has a father who works with ... uh, vaguely electrical, vaguely stormy stuff, and they haven't done this yet? My dad's a carpenter, and one rumble of thunder had everyone in my house unplugging stuff. Sheesh. The TV in the kitchen explodes. Well, all it showed was Nancy McKeon as a lousy reporter, anyway.
Lightning strikes an electrical plant. Wheee!
Meanwhile, back on the plane, we're going to have an emergency landing. I'm going to guess that since no one on there has gotten a backstory, either nothing will die or they'll careen directly into the Sears Tower. Wait, how long has it been since 9/11? Okay, so maybe not for another two years or so.
Greg's Tramp watches a green screen ... er, the storm through her hotel room window. Hey, Smarmy Boss is there with her. Is there anybody she isn't shtupping? Oh, please tell me Brian Dennehy's on that list.
Fire trucks get ready at the airport. Wait, at O'Hare? Oh, yeah, this'll work. *eye roll*
The pilot and co-pilot work on landing the plane. Fireball! C'mon, fireball! Explode on impact, damn you! Aw, come ON. Oh, you're no fun, stupid Lost airplane.
Chicago's on fire. Also, it's Sunday.
Greg and more suits talk to Smarmy Boss about how everything's going to Hell in a C-list celebrity handbasket. Greg gets pissy and leave. Smarmy Boss leers at Greg's Tramp before leaving.
Yay! Nancy McKeon gets to report real news! Oh, wait, it's the weather. Never mind. Nancy McKeon sticks in a line about how horrible the city's resources are that nobody who told her or knew about it wanted her to mention. What a snot. Where is a PMS-ing Blair and a baseball bat when you need them?
Greg goes home and banters with the wife. Not!Dharma makes it perfectly clear she knows he's been shagging his Tramp. Greg apologizes that he's been nailing a woman who looks only slightly more like Jenna Elfman. Slutty Daughter overhears. Hee.
Randy Quaid calls Brian Dennehy from his truck. Brian Dennehy asks if he's drunk. Hey, is he drunk in every vaguely disaster-related movie he's in? Maybe that's just because he's awake. Hmm.
Geeky Suit calls Nancy McKeon and bitches because she tattled about his oh-so-secret info. Dude, you were talking to a reporter. Yeah, she's not going to win the Pulitzer ... hell, she probably couldn't even pronounce it, but still. What'd you expect her to do, write it in her LJ and lock the post?
Greg tells his Tramp that Not!Dharma found out about them. Greg's Tramp varies between concerned, guilty, and nicely coiffed.
In Alberta, Canada, it's snowing in August. Amy Intern calls to find out from a random bartender. Yeah, I don't get it, either. Amy Intern goes to tell Brian Dennehy, who's briefing his crew of Super Secret Weathermen. Flunkie stops Amy Intern from telling Brian Dennehy about the snow, but she butts in anyway. Flunkie drags her off before she can do anything rash, like that time in high school when her friends dropped a bucket of blood on the prom queen.
Brian Dennehy looks at clouds, then asks Flunkie about Amy Intern's theory. Flunkie lies, because that's what you do when you're playing third fiddle to Brian Dennehy and a lame Amy Irving lookalike.
Greg's at work again. Yawn. Some reactor is spewing extra water into the zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm sorry, I could have sworn this was all about the violent storms and exploding death.
Slutty Daughter is with her boyfriend. Spare London offers to get her a Big Guzzle (because Big Gulp is too easy to say but too expensive to pay for) and since they don't seem to have two bucks between the three of them, Spare London offers to get her one anyway and flashes his scuzzy friend the gun he's hiding under his shirt. They leave Slutty Daughter on a bench to play with a dog while they go rob an Absolutely Not A 7-11. They run away from the Absolutely Not A 7-11 with Slutty Daughter and her Big Guzzle and some Monopoly money. They go around the corner and then stop. No, they won't get caught. Slutty Daughter proceeds to whine at Spare London, who gets on her good side by immediately giving her a hickey large enough to be spotted from Mars.
Randy Quaid & Crew get out of the car so that Randy Quaid can show he's an idiot by pointing out that tornados never come south, except this one totally does. They race back into the van and have a really lame car chase through a cornfield. Helen Hunt could totally kick your ass, Randy Quaid. I'm just saying.
PREGNANT's Husband flies over the tornado ... I think. They fly weird for a minute, and then he makes another crack about PREGNANT and the sprog. Hey, stop that. Stop telling the storm you've already spread your DNA. They take that as a green light to eat you.
Nancy McKeon reports on the nuclear reactor spewing stuff into the water and killing lots of fish. Nancy McKeon's hair is very professional, which she'd probably like you to know.
Greg's Trap and Smarmy Boss have a meal with a nameless extra. Then again, he might have a name, but ... again, whatever. Smarmy Boss gets a call from Dianne Wiest. I don't know why she's calling him, but I don't care if it means I get to watch Dianne Wiest rip anyone a new asshole.
Greg's Tramp and Greg argue about all the energy crap we don't care about. Damn, that woman's got more baggage under her eyes than a week's worth of passengers on Pan Am. Not!Dharma is all upset, and Slutty Daughter has a moment of Pollyanna good behavior. Isn't any one of these people dead yet? And no, Brian Dennehy's career doesn't count.
Brian Dennehy hovers over Amy Intern and talks about bad weather we only get to see on TV screens. Uh, not to be impatient, but WHERE THE HECK ARE MY DISASTERS?!
Nancy McKeon and her pet cameraman race off to interview Geeky Suit on tape. She and Geeky Suit have an argument that's probably supposed to masquerade as sexual tension, but oh sweet holy Jesus, thank God it isn't. I think. *sigh*
Brian Dennehy goes to Flunkie and lectures him on not giving him Amy Intern's data. Flunkie says he thinks Brian Dennehy's only doing it to get into Amy Intern's pants. Uh, not to knock on Amy Intern, but a world of EWWWWW.
PREGNANT's Husband & Crew measure the weather. Meanwhile, Flunkie, Amy Intern, and Brian Dennehy remain concerned but inactive.
Slutty Daughter gets asked by Moron Son what the hell is going on. Slutty Daughter says their parents will get divorced and she'll run away. And the bad part is ... what, exactly?
Nancy McKeon shows her Geeky Suit footage to her boss, who declines it. She calls Geeky Suit about it, who gets so upset he hangs up. Hee. He works for Lexxicorp. That's just asking for a Smallville crossover. PREGNANT's Husband calls Nancy McKeon and tells her to make with the screaming and Muppet arms. Or, you know, take PREGNANT to her parents's house. They both sound so much alike, I get confused.
Greg and Not!Dharma talk on the phone. He tells her to come to his work in case of an emergency. Uh, call me crazy, but considering the plot, shouldn't they have been there, like, last week in that case?
Moron Son is riding his bike when Not!Dharma calls and tells him to go home. Oh, I wouldn't be a young boy riding a bicycle in a disaster movie. You're so going to get saved by Richard Roundtree in a leather jumpsuit, and you'll have asked for it. So there.
Slutty Daughter and Spare London argue in the mall. Oh, man, both Londons on their own are better actors than this guy. That's so wrong. Not!Dharma grabs Slutty Daughter and drags her to the bank to get emergency cash. Spare London's buddy tells him Slutty Daughter totally dissed him, and you morons, her mother dragged her off. I hope you both get eaten by dinosaurs and there aren't even any in this movie.
PREGNANT leaves her apartment. Oh, NOOOOO.
The power goes out. Okay, whatever. Hey, a hacker with a lame clear keyboard is toying with the power grid and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
PREGNANT gets stuck in an elevator with her whiny neighbor. Everybody who didn't see that coming, congratulations! You're clinically braindead! No test necessary.
The power goes out in the mall, and the escalators shut off. Oh, no! Trapped on the escalator! However will they get off?!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand power off in the bank. Jesus, why is everybody freaking out? Why don't they just do what I do when the power goes out and play Bedazzled on their cell phones?
Brian Dennehy is pissed because the power's out and the OMGWTF storm is coming and he can't tell anyone. *sniff*
Nancy's Boss puts her on the non-air and tells her to behave. Stock footage of last year's real-life blackout is shown in a way that edits out all of the New York references. Hell, it looks so old, it could be that blackout in the seventies or whenever the hell it was.
Greg gets upset at work. *sigh*
Slutty Daughter and Not!Dharma are trapped in the bank because the power went out and the doors locked and whatever. Spare London tries to talk to Slutty Daughter, but she breaks up with him. You asshat, you're breaking up with the guy with the handgun now? Can't you wait until later, when he's being sucked into a tornado or being set on fire by a cow or something? Spare London, unsurprisingly, takes that opportunity to whip out the gun and take over the bank. Oh, lovely.
Greg & Co. try to find power. They sure won't get any from this boring plotline. Was "Gigantic storm strikes entire Midwest" too simple a concept to work with here, people? You had to add all this extra "OMG the power is gone WTF?!1!!11!" stuff. Sheesh.
Safely in Washington, Dianne Wiest gets updated and calls Greg. Greg begs for help. Dianne then calls ... er, someone.
Nancy McKeon continues to report on the lack of power. Yawn.
Meanwhile, Spare London's robbing the bank ... or, you know, something.
PREGNANT's Husband is still flying. Or, you know, something.
Brian Dennehy and Randy Quaid ... oh, bugger it. Nothing's happening. Everybody's standing around calling each other and twiddling their thumbs. Except for Randy Quaid, who's busy leaving the Japanese tourists in the middle of nowhere. Okay, that was a little amusing. Hee.
More bogus reporting from Nancy McKeon. And let's flash on everyone, because we need a mental checklist to work with later on when they start dying. Nancy McKeon signs off from in front of the green screen ... er, Chicago.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2004-11-14 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-14 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-14 09:19 pm (UTC)Then again, the second part is on opposite Lost and unless somebody wants to tape part 2 for me, I'm pretty sure I'm going to miss summarizing that one. Like I'd choose this over a Sayid-centric Lost, even if it is a disaster movie. Shyeah.
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Date: 2004-11-15 06:31 am (UTC)(TiVo - Smallville. VCR - Lost. live TV - disaster movie.) Gah, I need another TiVo.
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Date: 2004-11-14 09:48 pm (UTC)*waits anxiously for part 2*
Also, the dogs farting in Duluth line was quite possibly the best line ever uttered in a disaster movie. EVER.
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Date: 2004-11-14 09:53 pm (UTC)And part 2? Is on against Lost. *grumbles*
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Date: 2004-11-14 09:59 pm (UTC)I saw a Saturday Night Live skit about that not too long ago. It was funny.
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Date: 2004-11-14 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-14 11:41 pm (UTC)Favorite line ever. Love the snarkiness...
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Date: 2004-11-15 01:42 am (UTC)This made me think of a store full of shelves full of babies. But then again, it's 2:30 in the morning, so maybe my brain isn't functioning 100%.
In Alberta, Canada, it's snowing in August.
Oh, what, like that's a sign of a disaster? Sheesh, they can't even get Alberta weather right. Come on, we're the "don't like the weather? wait 15 minutes and it'll change" province! :)
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Date: 2004-11-15 10:45 am (UTC)And she turned to me and said 'Of course there will be, she'll probably get stuck in an elevator, too'.
Boy did we call THAT one.
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Date: 2004-11-15 10:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-15 02:36 pm (UTC)Do they at least show the right country on the display screens in this one? At one point in Day After Tomorrow it showed a screen with weather patterns on it, and a voice said "Have the tornadoes cleared up over North America?" And the screen showed Italy. That made me laugh.