Oh, so THAT'S the reason I don't read LKH anymore.

[apocalypsos]

So I wandered over to The Book Spoiler and read the spoiler for LKH's Incubus Dreams.

...

...

...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

*headsmack*

EDIT: I'm listening to a retro Internet radio, and "The Girl is Mine" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney just played. Listening to those two lyrically fight over a girl is my new nightmare.

Also, now it's "When You Get Caught Between the Moon and New York City". Hmph. I need to buy Arthur on DVD. And also, to change the radio station.

Comments

[kutsuwamushi.livejournal.com]

*GIGGLESNORT*

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

You know what I just realized? The "Somebody FUCK already" that the characters on Lost, House, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Smallville need? Anita's hogging every blessed drop of it.

[musyc]

Laurel K. Hamilton no longer writes horror. She writes porn. I kept threatening to move her books into the sex section back at Borders.

I'm fine with all the sex in the Merry Gentry series because the character started out that way. With Anita? It feels like she's betrayed the character and the person we knew Anita to be. That, plus the idea that Micah(?) is actually based on her husband (Mary Sue! Mary Sue!) makes me want to fling the books far, far away.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I can remember picking up one in college and getting totally hooked. And I can remember the precise moment I got sick of them, too ... waaaaay before it turned into porn.

It was when yet again, just like in every other book, Anita spent fifty pages or so dithering over whether to pick Jean-Claude or Richard and "Oh, woe is me! Two hot guys want to fuck me! *swoons*", and then she'd get injured and/or have to show off her scars, and in every single book, she always made a crack about, "Well, I'm going to die by the time I'm thirty." Well, if you're going to die by the time you're thirty, then why the hell do you keep whining about your sex life? Nail 'em both! Have an orgy! Who gives a shit?

*grrrr* Man, she's annoying. (And before anybody asks, "Anita or Laurell?", the appropriate answer is, of course, "Since when are they two different people?")

[laurelin-kit.livejournal.com]

Well, no wonder I found several brand-new copies in the library book sale for one dollar.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Tell me about it. Jesus, I have people on my friends list who could write me better porn than that.

[fireborn.livejournal.com]

I remember that spoiler well. I never did read the book, but.... Hell, I suspect you'll appreciate this. I took the Municipal Liaison position in Pittsburgh again last NaNoWriMo, which means basically I was the WriMo herder for this area. We did a couple meetups throughout the month of November, and this one weekend we had two of them, Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Both of them were in Squirrel Hill, one of the city neighborhoods, and both of them were right near a Barnes and Noble, so being that NaNoWriMo people often tend to be book junkies as well, we all ended up in the B&N. (There's a funny story here involving the incredible florescence of my Municipal Liaison shirt as well, but that's not on the topic.)

Anyway, we were poking around the SF/F book section and I spotted Incubus Dreams, flipped it open at random, read the first sentence I saw, and promptly laughed so hard I was nearly sick all over the nice B&N carpet, probably causing worry to the rest of the WriMos watching me. (The sentence in question involved the phrase, or something near like it, "You're the one who just sprayed all over me!" As someone put it: this is the book where LKH discovered female ejaculation.)

Thus was promptly born a game: take two or three books, one of which must always be a LKH, Incubus Dreams by preference, flip it open at random, and read aloud the first sentence you come to. It worked particularly well with the LKH, Lovecraft, and Stephen R Donaldson combo, for some reason.

We laughed ourselves sick both times, and both times we stopped playing when a sentence was hit that was so bad that the reader couldn't manage it without laughing hysterically and had to pass the book to someone else.

The first night?

"Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, please, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me." (Approximately. It may have sprouted a few extra 'fuck me's in the telling, memory being fickle and all.)

The second afternoon?

"Fuck me, Jean-Claude, fuck me while I'm still tight!"


After all that I felt a lot better about Incubus Dreams.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

(The sentence in question involved the phrase, or something near like it, "You're the one who just sprayed all over me!" As someone put it: this is the book where LKH discovered female ejaculation.)

*is dead* I may have had the exact same reaction, frighteningly enough.

Maybe she's trying to write a satire and we're not just getting the joke. *scratches head*

[dhaunea.livejournal.com]

"Is it real or is it Memorex bad amateur pr0n?"

*twitches madly*

Way back when... I liked those books. I stopped reading them about... four or five books ago and just never looked back.

Mary Sue Anita Blake is just too damn annoying for words.

[mayatawi.livejournal.com]

Is that Mexican pr0n, or is it Sears pr0n?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_redpanda_/]

Oh my fucking GOD indeed. My eyes glazed over, I couldn't finish even the spoiler...can we tip back a shot every time the words "have sex" are used?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

A shot may be too much. We may have to resort to simply taking sniffs of the alcohol in the bottle.

[brigidsblest.livejournal.com]

Wow. She's not even trying to disguise it with plot anymore, is she?

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The scary thing is, I think she really is trying to disguise it with plot. *shudders*

[laughingrat.livejournal.com]

Wow, I could actually feel my brain bleeding as I read that.

[penmage.livejournal.com]

You know what's sad? That I now like the Merry Gentry books more than the Anita books, because they have more plot. That's what's sad.

[chorus-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

yes...I'm in the same boat. I read the first two and thought...eh, not as good as the other stuff, then I read the third gentry book after incubus dreams and I was like MY GOD! PLOT!!!

[silent-sybil.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, so that was why I wasn't even remotely tempted to read that one. She posts a chapter or two from each book on her website before publication, and I read about a page and was so disgusted I couldn't go on. The spoiler was a great laugh.

It's sad, though, because I got hooked on Anita Blake two years ago (having already read one of the Merry Gentry ones and been... confused, but a little intrigued, by it). The second book was the first one I read, and I loved it-- my favorite part was where the zombie came in through the window, and when she killed it she got zombie guts all over her penguin collection. She had quirks, she kicked ass, she lived alone. Things were better then. *nostalgic sigh*

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

I know. I can remember getting hooked on the first few in college back when they didn't suck. They were so cool back then. *sigh*

[budclare.livejournal.com]

*wipes tears of laughter from her eyes*

She's certainly in touch with her inner pervert. (And also touched in the head.)

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

I'm listening to a retro Internet radio, and "The Girl is Mine" by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney just played. Listening to those two lyrically fight over a girl is my new nightmare.

Say whatwho? Please 'splain. Before my little head explodes.

-blue

[mindset]

It's a duet, from the Thriller album, IIRC.

"The girl is mine / the doggone girl is mine." It really doesn't get much more amusing than that.

(Or did Thriller have the "Ebony and Ivory" duet...? hmm. I really don't wish to research this question... ;)

[ficangel.livejournal.com]

Saying "Oh, for fuck's sake" is...strangely ironic at this juncture.

*sighs* And she has so much talent, too, if only her editors dared to call her on her excesses any longer. The last LKH book I can remember reading and liking was...Cerulean Sins? The big Edward-centric book before it all just went to hell.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

Saying "Oh, for fuck's sake" is...strangely ironic at this juncture.

*snerk* I only realized that after I posted it. ;)

[thornsilver]

You'd think she'll start to chafe at some point.

[killerweasel.livejournal.com]

heeheeheeheehee

Glad I'm not the only one who noticed that all of a sudden the books went from good to pwp- only her books are more just porn, and quite frankly I think I could write better smut than her and maybe I even have in my rpgs. lol

Cerulean Sins I was hoping would be better than the previous one, and I read it and read it and read it, getting more and more disgusted with each sex-filled chapter, wondering where the damn plot would pop up. Except, it never did. Or maybe got mentioned on like one page in a single sentence. I was like, WTF? If I want porn, I'll read lj! :P

Bah!

But, there was one line I did like- something about 'accidental sex as if she'd tripped and fallen only to land on an errection'.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

quite frankly I think I could write better smut than her and maybe I even have in my rpgs. lol

Obviously, this is why she doesn't let her fans write fanfic based on her books. She's afraid of being shown up--BADLY shown up--by rank amateurs.

[vass]

It's like watching a train wreck on fast-forward.

[minotaurs.livejournal.com]

The next time somebody condems fanfic as being less literarily worthy than pro-fic... just point to LKH.

[miladygrey.livejournal.com]

I could handle it when Anita was angsting about her attraction to Jean-Claude. Then Richard came into the picture, and I figured she was going to hook up with him because he was normal and Jean-Claude would just be sexy and slightly tempting in the background. But noooooo, Richard had to be a Werewolf With Issues, and so he and Anita both get to angst.

And then all the other shapeshifters get involved, and she keeps waking up in a pile of hot naked people. At which point LKH apparently went insane from the strain of keeping up with who was angsting more and just made Anita into the slut of the earth, who has to have sex with every single supernatural male she knows. While keeping Jean-Claude and Richard, and Micah and Nathaniel on the side.

At some point during Incubus Dreams, I stopped trying to keep track of the plot and started chugging my Coke every time certain phrases (like "that just does it for me" and "ma petite") were used. I will not disclose how much of a caffeine high I was on that day.

[gruyere.livejournal.com]

Hugh Jackman (and Stephanie Block) singing "The Best That You Can Do"

[sabra-n.livejournal.com]

Wow, I wasn't the only one who thought of The Boy From Oz. Of course, I'd prefer not to think about The Boy From Oz except in the context of OMGit'sHughJackman, but what can you do? :)

-blue

[chorus-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

I read and reviewed it for 50book challenge...I think I went through and did a rough count..there were about 40 pages in the whole book that did not involve sex. Everything else was just porn. She now steps into the realm of bestiality and female ejaculation too. The only reason I read it all the way through was because you kept getting the feeling that maybe there was apoint to this somewhere that might actually develop into a non sex plot device....I will probably get the next book and if it just more of the same fucking forget it from then on..I liked her books initially because she had an interesting take on supernatural stuff and magic, and I like mercenary/cop/shoot em up mystery type stuff too. I'm just not that fond of porn. The first few books it actually fit in with the plot, so it was cool, but this was just crap for the sake of it, blah.

[saturnalia.livejournal.com]

Bwahaha!

[leaveoutalltherest]

I got as far as 'during the event she forms a new triumvirate' before I had to stop reading. I used to like the series, but then it died. She (Laurell or Anita, I'm not sure) killed Nathaniel, Jason, Jean-Claude and all the others, then replaced them with animatronic Real Dolls.

She's Anita Blake, necromancer, nyphomaniac and leader of the Real Doll army.

I'm just going to continue denying that anything exists after Burnt Offerings. That's when Laurell suffered a debilitating accident and could no longer write. :)

[gattamelata.livejournal.com]

*reads spoilers* Um. So... why all the sex, exactly? And there are wereleopards. I've never understood why vampires are such skanks. Surely there are virginal and ordinary vampires out there.

I'm assuming it used to be better. Giving the author the benefit of the doubt.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

The first few books were good because they actually had a plot and Anita wsan't a gigantic skank back then. But then every man she ran into, either she fell in love (or lust) with them or they fell in love (or lust) with her, and it stopped being about vampires and demons and whatnot and more about getting Anita laid.

What didn't help matters was that somewhere along the line, she got some stupid spell put on her (that arduer) where now she has to have sex, like, every 12 hours or something. And it also doesn't help that Anita is the biggest Mary Sue on the planet, and that both LKH's previous and current husbands both have characters based on them. (Not only that, but all of the hot guys that trail after her like dopey man-sluts all look exactly the same, with only varying colors of skin, eyes, and hair to differentiate them. Urgh.) And that thing where she wakes up at least once every other chapter in a pile full of naked people? That's not an exaggeration.

And yes, there are wereleopards. There are were-everything in those books. But then she developed a severe case of Anne-Rice-ism and got waaaaay too full of herself.

another odd thing...

[runey.livejournal.com]

When I wasn't bowled over laughing at the ridiculous adventures of the Mary Sue of Babylon, I was appalled at the number of typos in that book. There was some blurb in there about last-minute copyediting by her husband, and all I could think was, "None of you know anyone with a simple spellcheck program?"

Did ya notice she kept giving blood and giving blood, while doing all that other stuff and never passed out or got dehydrated? The laughs, they keep coming... *coughs*