apocalypsos | (no subject)

Okay, so I was going to do a Q&A review of the movie, but I figured out soon enough that the snark was better suited in script format. The details may be a bit screwed-up because I was taking notes without much detail, and the MovieSpoiler info for Kingdom of Heaven is a joke. Anyway, here it is. I don't think I have to warn you, but spoilers ahead.

Kingdom of Heaven

Highway to Hell, France 1184:

The Worst Priest on the Planet and two minions are burying a very pretty dead lady. The Worst Priest on the Planet yanks off the dead chick's crucifix necklace when no one is looking. Liam Neeson and his band of Crusaders ride past, and the Worst Priest in the World perks up.

WPitW: "WHEEEEE! Crusaders! I'm off to eavesdrop and smarm in the background, boys! Make sure you lop off her head before you bury her! She's a suicide! The ability to wear dorky hats is only for the heavenbound! *scampers off*

Blacksmith's Hovel:

Orlando Bloom pounds angrily at a piece of metal.

Orli: "Why *pound* the fuck *pound* do they *pound* keep making me *pound* a blacksmith *pound*?!"
Cowering Assistant: "Well, there was that one time you were an elf --"
Orli: *POUNDPOUNDPOUND*
Cowering Assistant: *whimper*

Liam Neeson and his Crusaders ride up.

Liam Neeson: "We need our horses shod. Also, I'm your father. Want to go on Crusade with me?"
Orli: "Yeah, thanks, but I'd rather sit here, grow facial hair and brood."
Liam Neeson: "Suit yourself!" *rides off with Crusaders*
Orli: "You know, you could have at least argued me on it!"
Horses: *clipclopclipclop*

Later, the Worst Priest on the Planet shows up.

WPitW: "You suck, you know that? Your wife is in Hell! You've got a lot of nerve hanging around in this town! And what was with dating Kate Bosworth? You don't seriously think anyone believes you're not nailing Viggo Mortensen?"
Orli: ...
WPitW: "And I'll bet that facial hair is entirely made of extensions!"
Orli: "HOW DARE YOU!" *stabs the Worst Priest in the World, shoves him into the fire, shoots him, gives him the plague, insults his mother, raids his fridge, and makes a lot of long-distance phone calls on the priest's phone*
WPitW: *dies* *a lot*
Orli: "Um. I probably shouldn't have done that." *runs away*

Snowy Road in the Middle of Nowhere:

Liam Neeson: "Come back, did you?"
Orli: "Well, yeah. I killed a guy, so ..."
Liam Neeson: ... *headsmack*

Snowy Creekside in the Middle of Nowhere:

Liam Neeson and Orli are surrounded by Liam's minions, including David Thewlis in some rather fetching facial hair and a guy who looks suspiciously like James Hetfield from Metallica with Heidi braids.

Liam Neeson: *tosses Orli a sword* "Let's see how you fight."
Orli and Liam: *clangclangCLANG*
Liam Neeson: "Jesus Christmas, you're good at this."
Orli: "Well, the script says we only have this one practicing scene together so, you know, we have to economize."
Liam Neeson: "... one scene?"
Orli: ...
Liam Neeson: "Never mind. Here, fight James Heidifield."
Orli: *looks at James Heidifield* "Uh, nice braids."
James Heidifield: "GRABASSES, BAD!" *CLANG*

A group of horsemen ride up.

Leader of the Horsemen: "Hi. We're here to take that guy. He killed a priest."
Liam Neeson: *stares at Orli*
Orli: "Oh. About that ..."
Liam Neeson: *headsmack*
James Heidifield: "MEDIEVAL POLICEMEN, BAD!"
Everybody: *fights*
Orli: *kicks ass*

trollprincess: "... the fuck? What is he, secretly a vampire slayer or something?"
James Heidifield: *gets a gigantor sliver of wood in his neck*
Liam Neeson: *is shot with an arrow*
Liam Neeson as Priest Vallon: "Dude, we seriously need to stop getting impaled."
Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jin: "Or chopped up."
Liam Neeson as Abraham Lincoln: "Or shot."
Liam Neeson as Darkman: "Or injured AT ALL. What are we, a masochist?"

Later, as David Thewlis extracts the arrow from Liam Neeson's ribcage --

David Thewlis: "Oh, you are so going to get all gangrenous and die."
Liam Neeson: "Hey, I once fought for two days with an arrow through my testicle."
Orli: "... that explains so much about me."

Tiny Village Full of the Unwashed:

Guy de Asshole (well, really) spots pasty, dying Liam Neeson and his crowd of minions.

Guy de Asshole: *looks at Orli* "There was a time when you did a better job of hiding your bastards."
Orli: "You seriously think I look like him?"
Guy de Asshole: "... well, when I squint. And stand really far back."
Orli and Liam: ...
Guy de Asshole: "What? You have the same facial hair."
Orli and Liam: ...
Guy de Asshole: "Still a bastard. So there."
Liam Neeson: "Yeah, well ... so are you! Nyah."

trollprincess: "I swear, if I'd known I was going to do this rather than a Q&A, I would have written down the line, honest."

Big Pretty City by the Sea:

Orli walks in a GORGEOUS red quilted thingy that looks lovely on him. Meanwhile, Liam Neeson's still pasty and dying five scenes later.

Liam Neeson: "So, why do you want *coughcough* to go to Jerusalem?"
Orli: "To find forgiveness for my dead wife."
Liam Neeson: "*coughcough* Yeah, good luck with that."

Later, Orli is escorted into a room where Liam Neeson sits on a throne.

David Thewlis: "Kneel before him, kid."
Orli: "Wait, I know how this goes. I kneel down, and then Dom gets out the video camera --"
David Thewlis: "Shut it, you little hornball, the man's dying here."
Liam Neeson: "*coughcough* I leave all of my worldly possessions including Natasha Richardson and my variety of bad film haircuts to you, my son. Be strong and brave and kind, and above all else, don't hog the hair care products." *whacks Orli across the face* "And that's so you remember it."

trollprincess: "DUDE! Why can't I get away with that? Especially with stupid people. 'No, you cannot write a book about Jesus in his own words *backhands Anne Rice* And that's so you remember it!'"
Liam Neeson: *dies*

The Dock at the Big Pretty City by the Sea:

Orli: "Well, it's off to Jerusalem with me."
David Thewlis: "Great. I'll catch up with you later. I've got to see a wizard about a werewolf."
Orli: "Huh?"
David Thewlis: "Uh, forget I said that. Isn't my goatee pretty?"

trollprincess: "Oh, YES. Finally, a version of David Thewlis I think is hot. Woohoo!"

The Ship to Jerusalem:

Sea: *is rough*
Ship: *sinks*
Orli: *wakes up on shore surrounded by a shitload of wreckage and dead bodies*

trollprincess: "... the HELL? That ship just sunk in the middle of the ocean!"
Orli: "Why the fuck do they keep putting me in boats?!"

Orli scrambles for his things, then looks through the wreckage for more stuff.

Horse: *is alive*

trollprincess: "Oh, for Pete's sake. *headsmack*

Orli frees the horse and it runs off without him. HEE.

Middle of the Desert:

Orli goes to drink from a puddle. The horse shows up to drink from the same puddle.

Horse: "Of all the puddles in all of the world, you had to crouch beside this one."
Orli: *pounces*

Orli now has a horse. However, a sandwich seems to be eluding him.

Later, while Orli and the horse are hanging out at a tree, Dr. Bashir with a lovely beard and another guy show up.

Dr. Bashir: "Hi. This guy wants your horse."
Orli: "Why?"
Dr. Bashir: "Because you're on his land."
Orli: "Huh. That's a stupid reason."
Other Guy: "ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?!"

Other Guy gets off the horse and attacks Orli. Orli, his supernatural fighting abilities, and his Loreal hair kill Other Guy.

Dr. Bashir: "Huh. How 'bout that?"

Jerusalem:

Dr. Bashir and Orli ride into town.

Dr. Bashir: "Dude, I'm so telling everybody that you killed that guy. And the great thing is, nobody really liked him all that much, so you won't have to go through that whole creekside battle bullshit again. Oh! And, want a slave? 'Cause I could totally do that for you."
Orli: "Yeah, thanks, but no thanks."

Orli goes to an old man on the street.

Orli: "Hey, old man, where's the hill where Jesus died?"
Denis: "It's up there next to the tourist shop. And I'm 37!"
Orli: "Huh?"
Denis: "You called me an old man! I'm 37!"
Orli: "Uh ... I'm just going to go up there, 'kay?"

The Hill Where Jesus Died:

Orli sits there. And sits there. And sits there some more.

Orli: "Um, are you there, God? It's me, Orlando Bloom."
God: *is in the bathtub*
Orli: "I know you probably can't tell it's me from the facial hair and all, but ..."
God: *is busy scrubbing between his toes*
Orli: "Are you sure you don't have anything to say to me, God?"
God: *has his shower radio volume all the way up*

Streets of Jerusalem (Poppy theme song by Bruce Springsteen not included):

A dejected Orli walks along all depressed and whatnot. A bunch of Liam Neeson's old minions start trailing after him and confront him.

Bald Minion: "Hey, you've got Liam Neeson's sword!"
Orli: "Um, I bought it on Ebay?"
Bald Minion: "Oh, you did not. Come on, schmuck. We've got a kickass spread for you to enjoy."
Orli: "Ooo-kay."

~~Liam Neeson's~~ Orli's Kickass Spread

Orli wakes up and comes downstairs all decked out in some seriously gorgeous clothes. Suddenly, Sibylla rides up, all pretty and princesslike. You know, 'cause she is.

Everybody: "Hubba, hubba!"
Sibylla: "I've come looking for Balian of Ibelin."
Orli: ...
David Thewlis: "I'm Balian of Ibelin!"
Bald Minion: "I'm Balian of Ibelin!"
Horse: "I'm Balian of Ibelin!
Orli: "Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be Balian of Ibelin, aren't I?"
Sibylla: ...
Orli: "'Cause, I'm not. Really."
Sibylla: ...
Orli: "You are extraordinarily hot, do you know that?"
Sibylla: *sigh*

Orli's Dressing Room:

David Thewlis watches as Orli gets armored up. There's porn in here somewhere, I know it.

David Thewlis: "So, how was God? Did he show you his wicked new MP3 player? It holds every song EVER."
Orli: ...
David Thewlis: "Okay, except for 'Disco Duck'. But other than that --"
Orli: "God has abandoned me."
David Thewlis: "Really? Why do you say that?"
Orli: "Well, I went to the hill where Jesus died, and no one showed up."
David Thewlis: "You honestly think God's going to hang out where humanity left his dead son?"
Orli: "... okay, good point."

The King's Big Planning Room:

Everybody is eating together, including Jeremy Irons (one of the King's minions), when Guy de Asshole shows up.

Guy de Asshole: "*spots Orli* Oh, I'm sorry. I don't eat with bastards."
Orli: "No, you just are one."
Jeremy Irons: "OOO, BURN."
Guy de Asshole: "Bah. I think I'll just leave my wife -- *proceeds to grope at Sibylla meaningfully* -- to play hostess to the BASTARD BLACKSMITH FUCK." *leaves*
Orli: "She's his wife?! EW, she's covered with de Asshole cooties!"
Jeremy Irons: "Oh, hey, the King will see you now."
Orli: *squeaks*

King's Chamber

Outside in the hallway, Sibylla escorts Orli to the door.

Sibylla: "... and Jeremy Irons thinks I'm unpredictable, and my husband thinks I'm a nuisance, and my brother thinks I'm --"
Orli: "Uh, I kind of have to stop hearing all about you and go see the King now."
Sibylla: "Hmph. You're no fun. But a sexy no-fun, so maybe I'll throw myself at you later."

Sibylla goes into her bedroom, and Orli goes in to meet the King. The King is wearing a wicked-cool outfit of white silk and a silver mask.

Baldwin: "You seem like a nice guy."
Orli: "Thanks."
Baldwin: "Want to play strip chess? I'm suffering from leprosy and can remove my body parts, though, so I'll have to handicap you."
Orli: "Uh ..."

Orli's House:

Orli rides up wto Liam Neeson's old house with his minions behind him. The place is a dump by medieval standards.

Bald Minion: "Liam Neeson was really a nice guy, but he wasn't the wealthiest guy on the planet."
Orli: "Yeah, I noticed."

Orli and Bald Minion examine the extremely dry fields. 'Cause, you know, it's a desert.

Bald Minion: "So we've got horses and Cheez Whiz and cable and wireless internet and giraffes and monkeys and professional acrobats and laundry detergent and nail polish and fuck-me-quickly boots and twinkle lights and curling irons and cheap perfume and pastina and low-fat yogurt and Mini-Coopers, but there's one thing Liam Neeson never saw to."
Orli: "Water?"
Bald Minion: "Yeah, that'd be the one."
Orli: "He lives in the middle of the fucking desert and he never looked for a fucking well?!"
Bald Minion: "Well, you know, he was really busy being Liam Neeson."
Orli: "... yeah, that could take up a lot of your time, come to think of it."

Later, right before Orli's managed to use his Super Sekrit Supernatural Knight Powers to find a well, Sibylla rides up.

Sibylla: "Hi! Mind if I stay here on my way to Canaan?"
Orli: "Canaan's in the other direction, dipstick."
Sibylla: ...
Orli: "Hey, how do you manage to make your makeup stay on like that after riding a horse in the desert sun for hours?"
Sibylla: "Just shut up and let me stay already."
Orli: "Okay, fine, then."

Somewhere off in Muslim lands:

Guy de Asshole has hooked up with Reynald of Chatillon, who is out of his fucking mind in a really cool, psychotic way. The bottom half of his hair is dyed really, really bright red, further confirrming the existence of Manic Panic in the twelfth century.

Guy de Asshole: "Wheeee! Let's kill some Muslims!"
Reynald: "Great! I'll get the penguins, the paper airplanes and the spray cheese!"
Guy de Asshole: ...
Guy de Asshole and Reynald: *kills a bunch of Muslims*
Saladin: *is understandably pissed off somewhere else*

Orli's Bedroom:

At night, Sibylla shows up in Orli's room.

Sibylla: "Hey, baby."
Orli: "Hi! Come to borrow my hairbrush?"
Sibylla: "Uh, yeah. Actually, I came looking for sex."
Orli: "Oh! We can do that, too!"

Aaaaaaand ... sex.

Orli's Porch, the next morning:

Orli and Sibylla eat breakfast.

Orli: *is shirtless*

crevette: *SQUEEEEEEES*

trollprincess: *hears her from, like, seven states away*
Orli: "So, how'd you ever hook up with Guy de Asshole, anyway?"
Sibylla: "My mother picked him out for me when I was fifteen."

trollprincess: "Wow. Suddenly, my mom's idea of a guy I should marry is looking waaaaaay better."

Later in Orli's courtyard, Sibylla is all saddled up. (On a horse, you pornmongers.)

Sibylla: "What's going to happen to us?"
Orli: "I don't know about you, but if Guy de Asshole finds out about this, I imagine he'll tear me to pieces and feed me to vultures."
Sibylla: ...
Orli: "Well, really."

A messenger rides up.

Messenger: *dies*
Bald Minion: "My lord Orli, Saladin's forces about to attack Kerak!"
Orli: "... well, fuck."

Outside Kerak:

Orli and his forces have arrived to fight Saladin's forces. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), Orli doesn't have a hell of lot of backup. The two sides face each other battle.

Orli's side: "We will win! God wills it!"
Saladin's side: "We will win! Allah wills it!"

trollprincess: "*headsmack* You cannot both win, you asstards. This is not a kindergarten game of kickball. Sheesh!"

Understandably, Orli and his side get their asses handed to them on a platter, and Orli gets knocked unconscious. He comes to with Dr. Bashir standing over him.

Dr. Bashir: "Hi! Remember me?"
Orli: "*takes in his fancy armor* Let me guess. Not Other Guy's servant?"
Dr. Bashir: "HEE. Funny joke, huh?"
Orli: *hates him just a little bit*

About ten feet away, Saladin's forces ride up to meet with King Baldwin's forces.

Saladin: "Truce?"
King Baldwin: "Sure, let's do that."
Saladin and King Baldwin: *ride off*

Orli and Dr. Bashir exchange a look.

Orli: "Uh, why did we just battle again if they were just going to do that?"
Dr. Bashir: "*snort* Hell if I know."

Inside Kerak's walls:

The King stalks up to Reynald, all pissy.

Baldwin: "You schmuck. What'd you have to go and do a stupid thing like start this battle for?"
Reynald: "Uh, does extremely fucking batshit insane work as an excuse?"
Baldwin: "Not really, no. And for that --"

Baldwin whips off his glove. His hand is all gross and scabby and EWWWWWWW.

Baldwin: "Kiss my ring!"
Reynald: "Is that all? Okay!" *pounces on hand*
Everybody: ...
Reynald: *kisses ring with tongue*
Everybody: ...
Reynald: *runs tongue over entire hand*
Baldwin: "... okay, that's just fucked-up right there." *beats the crap out of him*

Baldwin sends Reynald off to the dungeon, then collapses. Oops.

Baldwin's Place:

Jeremy Irons and the King have a proposition for Orli.

Orli: "I'll do anything for you, King Baldwin."
Baldwin: "You kill Guy de Asshole and you get to marry my sister and take care of Jerusalem."
Orli: "... except that."
Baldwin: "I thought you liked my sister."
Orli: "Well, yeah --"
Baldwin: "And my brother-in-law IS a jerk, right?"
Orli: "See, that's not the point --"
Baldwin: "And he's not going to be happy unless he's killed off thousands of innocent people, right?"
Orli: "Yeah, but if I kill him, then I'm a horrible person."
Baldwin: *headsmack*
Baldwin's ears: *drop off*

Outside of the King's bedroom, Jeremy Irons gets all pissy.

Jeremy Irons: "Dude, what the hell is your problem?"
Orli: "Hey, it's a choice between conscience or nothing."
Jeremy Irons: "Tell you what. When the wailing Muslims show up, you get to tell them you didn't kill their family's murderer because you would have felt really, really, reeeeeeeeeally guilty about it, okay?"
Orli: "Okay!" *skips off*
Jeremy Irons: *headwall*

Baldwin's Funeral:

So now the king is dead, and everyone is horribly depressed, because King Baldwin was ten kinds of awesome even if you didn't know it was really Edward Norton under the mask. Sibylla whimpers over her brother's corpse.

Sibylla: *furtively looks around, removes Baldwin's mask*
Baldwin's face: *is really disgustingly disfigured*
Sibylla: "... okay, EW."
Baldwin's nose: *falls out of mask and plops to the floor*

Crowning Ceremony:

Priest-type Guy: "I hereby name Sibylla of the really knotty hair Queen!"
Sibylla: "Thanks bunches! I hereby name as my king --"
Baldwin V: *doesn't exist in this movie*
Sibylla: "-- Guy de Asshole!"
Baldwin V: "Thanks a lot, Mom."
Guy de Asshole: "Woohoo! Drinks and dead Muslims all around!"
Everybody: "Long live the king!"
Jeremy Irons: *mostly just looks like he'd like to hit someone*

The Quiet and Fairly Clean Jerusalem Dungeons:

Guy de Asshole comes downstairs to find Reynald prancing around his cell.

Guy de Asshole: "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Reynald: "I got a job with Santa! I'm the tenth reindeer! Isn't that great?
Guy de Asshole: "... right. Look, you're batshit insane, but you're a violent batshit insane, so I'll keep you."
Reynald: "AWWWW. Thanks, Mr. de Asshole." *makes sweet love to his hand*
Guy de Asshole: "Ew, stop that."

Somewhere in Muslim lands:

Reynald and buddies are killing a bunch of Muslims. One of the buddies points to a woman dressed all in black sitting in a field.

Buddy: "That's Saladin's sister."
Reynald: "Faboo!" *bounds off to defile Saladin's sister*

Saladin's sister stands up and rips off her veil. She is heavily made up in a really odd way I just can't describe.

Saladin's sister: "Hi, there!"
Reynald: "GYAH."

trollprincess: "Okay, either that is a strangely beautiful woman or a really good crossdresser."

~~The King's Big Planning Room~~ Guy De Asshole's Frat Party Fiesta:

All of the Christian leaders and Saladin's representative are there.

Saladin's rep: "Look, Saladin's really pissed off that you chopped his sister and fed her to goats and sent her head by singing telegram, so he'd really appreciate it if you'd get the hell out of Jerusalem."
Guy de Asshole: "Uh ... no." *stabs Saladin's rep in the neck*

trollprincess: "Jesus Christ, does this guy ever make a good leadership decision?"
Jesus Christ: "Nope. Looks familiar, doesn't it?"

Tent of Very Intense Planning:

All of the guys in charge of the Christians are sitting around planning their next move.

Guy de Asshole: "Let's just go kill them all already. Then we can move on to killing the ugly, the stupid, and the Democrats."
Reynald: "Wheeeeee! Sounds like fun."
Orli: "Hey, dumbasses. That's what Saladin wants you to do. I mean, where are you going to get water?"
Reynald: "I know! We'll juice the natives!"
Everybody: ...
Reynald: "What? What'd I say?"
Jeremy Irons: "Bah. A pox on all of you morons! *stomps off*

Later, when everybody's heading off aside from Orli and his few minions, he spots David Thewlis riding off with the idiots.

Orli: "Dude, you're not seriously going with these assholes?"
David Thewlis: "You didn't actually think I was going to survive the movie, did you?"
Orli: "Not until there was some slashy porn, I didn't."
David Thewlis: "Yeah, good luck with that."

Battlefield:

Guy de Asshole and his soldiers: *are all dehydrated and slow*
Saladin and his troops: *are serving virgin margaritas with real ice all around*
Deserved asskicking: *does not happen on screen*

Tent of Ubercool:

Saladin is staring down Reynald and Guy de Asshole. Saladin's minion opens up a box. Hey, there's ice in there! Saladin scoops up a goblet full of ice and hands it to Guy de Asshole.

Saladin: "Thirsty, schmuck?"
Guy de Asshole: "Nah, but you'd be amazed how much being batshit insane can dehydrate a guy." *hands the goblet to Reynald*
Reynald: "Wheeeee! Water!" *drinks*
Saladin: "Hey! Did I give that to you?"
Reynald: "Uh ... is that a trick question?"
Saladin's minions: *slice Reynald's throat open*
Guy de Asshole: "... uh-oh."

~~Battlefield~~ Mr. Vulture's All-You-Can-Eat Carryout House of Dead Christians:

Orli and his buddies ride up to find that Guy de Asshole's stupid plan didn't work and everybody got their asses kicked. Shocked? Yeah, didn't think so.

Vultures: *are all fat and happy*
Orli: "*sigh* Asshats."
Pile of severed heads: *is gross and disturbing*
David Thewlis's severed head: *is stuffed near the bottom*

anniesj: *whimpers loudly*

trollprincess: *hears her from, like, three states away*

The Battle Outside Jerusalem:

Orli looks out at all of the warriors and the great big wooden thingies with a scowl.

Orli: "Why the fuck do they keep putting me in the same goddamn battle sequence?"
Stupid Priest: "This is going to suck without knights."
Orli: "Okay, fine. Who here can pick up a sword?"
Everybody: "I can!"
Orli: "Who here knows the pointy end goes into the other guy?"
Everybody but the village idiot: "I do!"
Orli: "Who here has a penis?"
All of the women: "Oh, for Christ's sake. *stomp off*"
Orli: "Great! All of you who are left are now knights."

Orli randomly backhands an overgrown 12-year-old who looks a lot like my little brother across the face.

Orli: "And that's so you don't forget."
12-year-old: "OW. Yeah, thanks bunches, but I wasn't planning on forgetting. Girly git. *grumblegrumble*"

Aaaaaaaaand ... BATTLE! There's lots of it, with the fighting and burning bodies and stuff, but just imagine somebody put the big battles from Troy, Gladiator, Alexander, and Return of the King into a blender and save me the detailing, 'kay?

Meanwhile, up in her bedroom --

Sibylla: "WOE. I am horribly depressed. You know what would make me feel better? A new haircut. Summon the royal hairdresser!"

Out at the walls of Jerusalem:

Royal Hairdresser: "Take this, you jerk!" *whacks one of Saladin's warriors on the head with a curling iron*
Sibylla: "*sigh* Guess I'll have to do it myself, then."

Sibylla then proceeds to hack off all of her mangled hair. We had to do that to my Himalayan once because his fur got too matted. Also, he might have been carrying ringworm in his hair. I'm just sayin'.

The Desert Outside Jerusalem:

After much fighting and blowing up of castle walls and whatnot, Orli goes out to meet with Saladin.

Saladin: "So, let's talk terms."
Orli: "Take your stupid city. We just want to go home."
Saladin: "Seriously? We had all of this fighting and battling for nothing?"
Orli: "You had fun, didn't you? Now quit complaining and buy us some fucking airfare!"
Saladin: "All right, all right. Sheesh."

Sibylla's Bedroom:

Sibylla's standing around all dressed in an ugly burlap dress and with her hair hacked off really, really close. Orli comes upstairs.

Orli: "Hey, guess what, Sibylla? We stopped the -- GYAHOMGWTF happened to your hair?!"
Sibylla: "I got horribly depressed and chopped off my hair. What do you think?"
Orli: "Aside from that this is like the non-goth version of cutting?"
Sibylla: "... so, do you want to hook up or not?"
Orli: "Come to me when you're not a queen anymore." *leaves*
Sibylla: "*mutters to herself* Uh, I'm always going to be a queen now. That's kind of the point, but whatever."

The Desert Outside Jerusalem:

Orli rides along a bunch of refugees walking along in a straight line and spots Sibylla walking with them. He gets off his horse and walks beside her.

Orli: "Hey there, baby. Come here often?"
Sibylla: "Shut it, pretty boy. I'm walking with the dregs, aren't I?"
Orli: ...
Sibylla: "So how do you like my new haircut?"
Orli: "Let's just be quiet and walk, shall we?"

Blacksmith's Hovel:

Back in his hometown, Orli looks around dreamily at the burned remnants.

Orli: "... and that's where I told my father to fuck off, and that's where I set the priest on fire ..."

Richard the Lionheart rides up.

Richard: "Hey, kid, you seen Balian of Ibelin?"
Orli: ...
Richard: "Balian of Ibelin?"
Orli: "OH! You're looking for me! Sorry, I just ... er, I'm just the blacksmith."
Richard: "And I'm the king of England."
Orli: "Wait, was that sarcastic or serious? 'Cause blacksmiths can't tell the difference, you know."
Richard: "... I don't know, actually."

trollprincess: "You and me both, Not!Sean Connery."

THE END

Oh, that is soooo the last time I'm doing that. That's hard. *whimpers*