(no subject)
Sep. 26th, 2004 12:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
apocalypsosA Knight's Tale? Man, that movie's stupid.
Yeah, and it's really bad, too.
Absolutely awful.
Jocelyn's really annoying, too.
The woman has no grasp of logic. And what the hell's with Adhemar?
Probably some virulent form of inbreeding.
So, in summation, bad movie.
Terrible.
Really crappy.
Beyond idiotic.
Oh, yeah. Where's the DVD case again?
Right next to the DVD player from when we watched it on Thursday.
That makes sense.
More than the plot does.
There was a plot?
Wait, let me get the DVD and read the back.
Ahem. "Heath Ledger is William Thatcher, a peasant squire who breaks all the rules when he passes himself off as a nobleman and takes the jousting world by storm."
There was a jousting world?
Yeah, and apparently it was just like Chicago Bulls mania in the early '90s, or Yankees fans in the last few seasons. Anyway, I digress. "The only thing that stands between William and his dream of becoming the world champion of the extremest of sports --"
Wait. Did you say "extremest"?
Uh, I think I did, yeah.
Is that even a word? That doesn't sound like a real word.
According to the person who wrote up the back-of-DVD filler, it is. And since they're writing the back-of-DVD filler for A Knight's Tale and you're not, I'm just going to assume they're infinitely smarter than you are to get that job and move on. "-- is the bad boy of the sport Count Adhemar."
I think they forgot a comma there.
Why? Can't a character by Rufus Sewell be considered a sport?
Well, I suppose he can, if you have some candles and Italian food and enough wine.
See? Now, let me get back to the last part. "And when the two rivals go lance to head --"
Lance to head?! Heath Ledger put his lance to Rufus Sewell's head? Where the hell was that scene in the cut-scene section of the DVD?
Er, let's not read the back of the DVD anymore. Let's just get to the characters, shall we?
Oh, why not? Tell me all about the lineup, you zombie-loving goofball.
William Thatcher ... A poor yet handsome squire who passes himself off as a knight. Starts out the movie with lint-covered banana slugs stuck to his head, then decides to clean up by giving himself Meg Ryan's haircut. Keeps threatening Count Adhemar that one day he will look up at him from the flat of his back, in an absolutely not porno-rific way, except for the fact that it totally is.
Count Adhemar ... William's most vehement adversary. Displays twelve of the commonly accepted traits for being an asshole, including raping and pillaging, dressing all in black, sneering all over the bloody place, and getting part of his lance stuck in Heath Ledger.
Jocelyn ... William's lady love. Is very, very, very, very, very, very, very pretty, which is something you'll be grateful to know you won't be forgetting since every character's nice enough to mention it once, or twice, or every time she shows up. Gets dressed in more and more ridiculous-looking costumes with every passing scene, with hairstyles that seem to be based mostly on triple-dog dares by the male cast members.
Geoffrey Chaucer ... William's herald and the great snarky writer of the 14th century. Is constantly getting naked, usually at the behest of slimy bookies but since he's pretty casual about the whole thing, why shouldn't the rest of us be? Owns a collection of long, flowing coats that are individually more cool than you will ever be.
Kate the Ferrier ... William's faithful female blacksmith. Is not only infinitely prettier, cooler, and more interesting than Jocelyn, but probably has enough sense to realize she's in the gay festival of medieval films and would undoubtedly have a hot love affair with Jocelyn's maid.
Roland ... William's best bud and other squire. Lets his jaw drop everytime Jocelyn's maid comes anywhere near him, displaying that while he's not exactly the best conversationalist with chicks, he's definitely got better taste than Will.
Wat ... William's rage-ridden squire. Threatens to "fong" anyone and everyone, which is all sorts of dirty if you look at it the right way. Has hair so red, it's amazing the man doesn't spontaneously combust.
Edward, the Black Prince of Wales ... Okay, so he doesn't have all that big a part, but he was really damn pretty and I think we all know that should be recognized, considering it would take the British royals another seven hundred years to produce a pretty, pretty prince. Saving up all your good DNA for centuries really pays off in the long run.
So fill me in. Is there a Knight's Tale drinking game?
Oh, there's a drinking game for everything. For A Knight's Tale, you need to get an eyedropper and a vat of Guinness. And every time something makes you think of hot, sweaty medieval mansex, you get a drop of Guinness. If you manage to make it through the whole movie ... well, then you've a stronger liver than I, my good friend.
Oh, come on. This can't possibly be that slashy a movie.
Really? If they pureed this DVD and made it into a pill, it'd sell faster than Viagra.
Give up an example, wenchy woman.
First off, did you notice how many of the male characters Chaucer hugged and kissed during this movie? Wat, Roland, William ... hell, if you look off to the side of the screen at one award ceremony, he's practically making out with Adhemar's herald where everybody can see. The man wants to get nailed, and nailed often. Why the hell do you think he's so casual about that whole nudity thing?
Weren't they all kind of casual about hardcore nudity back then?
As far as I've heard they were. Let's go back to the good old days ... you know, except for the everpresent warmonging and the threat of burning witches at the stake. Oh, wait ...
What does Wat mean when he tells people he's going to "fong" them?
I was curious myself, so I looked it up in Merriam-Webster, and it's not even listed. Bastards.
You'd think it meant "to beat someone into unconsciousness during a mad rage", but then Wat had to go and use it in the context of "fonging" replacing "fucking" as an adjective. It gives the film entirely, expectedly porn-ridden dimensions if you replace "fong" with "fuck" throughout the movie, you know. I'm just sayin'.
Hey, I didn't know the Wave originated in the 14th century.
Neither did I. But I did some careful research, and it turns out the Wave originated in 1345, when some dumbass spilled a entire cup of plague all over the bleachers.
Have you ever eviscerated someone in fiction?
Oh, yes. Sometimes literally.
Have you ever wanted to sing the Ulrich von Lichtenstein theme song on the Metro?
Actually, I'm saving it for when overzealous religious people yell at me. Because, quite frankly, I know far too few show tunes.
Hey, if -- as Wat put it -- Sir Hector "shite himself to death," then shouldn't William have washed off his armor before he put it on?
Okay, now you're just being gross.
It's a viable question.
It's also a really disgusting one. Move on.
So what was up with Jocelyn's wardrobe? I've seen a more coherent series of outfits on the parade workers at Disneyland.
I maintain that the person who designs her clothes is blind, or criminally psychotic, or made entirely of cream cheese.
Mind giving us a rundown of each of her distinctive looks?
Oh, why the hell not?
Look #1: "Unwashed Handkerchief"
Outfit -- The first time we see Jocelyn, she's wearing a long white dress that looks as if she's about to become a virgin sacrifice. And then there's that lovely golden shield on her back that screams, "I was mailed overnight by the Medieval Postal Service and all I got was this lousy movie part."
Hairstyle -- Hidden under a three-pointed hat that I imagine was a normal old ski cap until she tugged it onto her dangerously pointed skull.
Look #2 -- "The Theme Is Cheesecloth, And Lots Of It"
Outfit -- You know you're in trouble when you tell your seamstress you want a dress made out of the first fabric she can find and the first room she stumbles into is a Vietnam war clinic, circa 1969.
Hairstyle -- Again, not visible, as Jocelyn is wearing yet another hat that looks exactly like an upside-down badminton birdie, with the optional TARDIS chamber inside to hold her supposedly waist-length hair.
Look #3 -- "I Would Be Scary In 'The Village'"
Outfit -- A nice red dress that's the only pretty dress in the movie, so it's safe to guess it was an accident that it made it into the film and the costume designer was promptly fired.
Hairstyle -- The hairstyle to make you question all over A Knight's Tale hairstyles, as Jocelyn's hair apparently reaches to her ass. Well, that's great. Somewhere out there, Dr. Who is ocassionally tripping over a long swatch of dark hair extensions and wondering where the hell they came from.
Look #4 -- "That Hair Will Poke Someone's Eye Out"
Outfit -- A fairly tame yellow dress. But the hairstyle makes up for that.
Hairstyle -- Brace yourself, because Jocelyn's hair is not only short enough to pin into a relatively tiny bun-thingy, but the ends are now sticking out and highlighted like yellow porcupine quills. Safety glasses are required from anyone standing within ten feet of that hairdo.
Look # 5 -- "Electric Zucchini"
Outfit -- A flimsy green dress the same color as a radioactive vegetable. Watch as Jocelyn manages to blind everybody on the dance floor into lunacy.
Hairstyle -- I must have missed the bit where Jocelyn got enough of a haircut to be able to sport something that looks like a baby crow with its feathers ruffled.
Look #6 -- "Who The Hell Is She Mourning?"
Outfit -- A hideous black dress that has a nice see-through panel down the front to show off the cleavage someone told Jocelyn she has. Somewhere, a fancy mortuary very much misses its seat covers.
Hairstyle -- Hidden beneath a serving dish. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. That's another hat.
Look #7 -- "I Used To Style Poodle Hair"
Outfit -- A tame, flowing robe that's just pale enough to make her look sickly, which is good enough for me to put another notch in the "bad dress" column.
Hairstyle -- "First, I want to you give me a ridiculously long weave. Then if it's not too much trouble, wrap it in a devil's food cake roll and dump more black feathers over it. Thanks bunches!"
Look #8 -- "Keeping The Camera Fifty Feet Away? Oh, That's Just Cheating!"
Outfit -- Beats me. It seems the director finally figured out that the audience would be making fun of Jocelyn's fashion decisions by now, and decided that he should be filming from a safe distance. Like, say, far enough to require a telescopic lens. But I did notice that unmistakable My-toddler-left-his-box-of-Crayolas-in-the-car-this-summer color mishmash.
Hairstyle -- Hey, look. She has hair again. Neat trick, that.
Look #9 -- "Look At My Teeny, Tiny Breasts!"
Outfit -- A white robe-ish dress that shows off the fact that she couldn't be any flatter if she had her chest professionally ironed.
Hairstyle -- What's to complain about, really? I mean, somewhere between the jousting and a banquet, Jocelyn went out and got corkscrew curls put in. Which, you know, is what every girl who's about to fling herself at a handsome guy does right before anticipated sex.
Look #10 -- "Kind Of Creepy-Looking In Pink"
Outfit -- You know those gross pearlescent pink candies your great-aunt always had lying around her house when you were a kid? And she'd offer them to you, and you'd politely decline them rather than say you'd prefer to go outside and lick the driveway? That's the color of Jocelyn's dress here.
Hairstyle -- The extensions are gone, and now Jocelyn's the one trying for Meg Ryan's haircut. Trust me, Meg Ryan doesn't even look good with Meg Ryan's haircut.
Look #11 -- "I Just Stopped By Before My Still Life Class"
Outfit -- When Jocelyn stops by the stable to tell William to flee, she's wearing what can only be described as a painting smock in purple in puke green. This dress is flattering to no one, and probably makes every dress in a fifty-foot radius even more unflattering the longer she stands still.
Hairstyle -- It's because of this scene that I discovered that Manic Panic was actually producing quality purple hair dyes as far back as the late 14th century. And also, that chocolate eclairs can be glued to your head with a modicum of kindergarten paste.
Look #12 -- "I Ran Out Of Ugly Hairstyle Options, So Now I'm Just Making Shit Up"
Outfit -- Another fairly tame yellow dress. But it's the end of the movie now, so like I care.
Hairstyle -- When all else fails and you can't find anything else to make your hair look worse, it's always a good idea to raid the junk drawers for such handy items like Super Glue, glitter, and ... oh, say, bright yellow pipe cleaners curled around a pencil. Works like a charm for all your stupid hairdo needs.
How 'not impressive' were Jocelyn's breasts?
Well, let's put it this way. That woman was not flat, she was concave. Her cleavage exists in the same realm as the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I've seen fourteen-year-old boys with a better rack. Just when I thought what I was seeing was just her nipples, I realized that was actually the outline of both tiny, tiny breasts.
So the woman's got no breasts, and no personality, and a hairstylist on crack, and a blind fashion designer.
Yup, that sounds like an apt description.
So then why the hell is she the love interest?
Well, she has a vagina. That always helps.
But ... but ... Kate has one, too!
Yes, but I like to think she's got better taste in men than that.
But ... but ... Jocelyn's maid has one, too!
Again, better taste in men.
Eh, whatever. What's with all of the classic rock music, anyway?
You'd be amazed how much money you can save when you only have to pay your screenwriter for every part of his script that's actually worthwhile. Then you can put it towards a scene where the main characters get bored and construct a massive radio that can bring in music from seven hundred years in the future. These, by the way, are scenes which are also woefully not in the cut-scenes section.
I'll bet you were bitterly diappointed.
Aren't I always?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:23 am (UTC)Also, "to fong" means "to kick." Really. They mentioned this on the commentary, which I actually watched because of Paul Bettany's voice.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-27 01:20 am (UTC)"Yes. Wat wants to... kick... me. I'm in for a good... kicking."
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:35 am (UTC)*takes of geek hat and QUICKLY*g*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:26 am (UTC)There's a scene in The Big Chill where William Hurt turns to Jeff Goldblum and says "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you." While watching A Knight's Tale my friend turned to me and said "The art flows over me...and right on down into the sewer." I wouldn't go so far as to say that the movie was excrement. However, I would say that the tonal inconsistencies of this film are so extreme that I was never able to enter the story. I spent the entire movie in a state of awe that so much money and so many people would be involved in producing such a specimen of utter confusion.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:21 am (UTC)But... but what about Heath Ledger's freckles? They're the real point of the movie. All the other stuff was just filler. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:29 am (UTC)Great way to ruin the ending for any fans is to point out the crapness of medival doctors and that Health Ledger just had a lance stuck through him. He's so going to die from infection or whatever.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:31 am (UTC)Product of Inbreeding: Aww! I love that movie! They make such a cute couple!
Me: You know he's gonna die in like a week right?
Product of Inbreeding: What?
Me: Dude, he just got a huge piece of wood rammed through him (At this point I had to give myself a second to stop giggleing at the image), the doctors are gonna put leeches on him and he's gonna get gangreen and his head is gonna fall off.
Product of Inbreeding: Shut up!
Me: It's true! Why do you think no one lived over 30 in midevil times? The answer to everything was leeches and it was always wrong.
Product of SEVERE Inbreeding: You're a fucking bitch.
Me: ::Smiles::
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 01:26 pm (UTC)AHAHAHA.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 05:17 pm (UTC)I personally can't help but adore a knight's tale; it's like bad fanfic. Sometimes a story just needs that one thing to make all it's other failings forgivable--in this case,
william's band of merry menWat and Chaucer and Roland and Kate--and I can't help but love it.hee! leeches! that should be on an icon or something.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 08:28 pm (UTC)Chaucer rox my sox, worship!!, Paul Bettany was quite good in it all things consideredNude scene!!.Actually come to think of it all the supporting actors were better than the leads... That's kinda sad.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:33 am (UTC)It's the only DVD I didn't take with me when I left him. XD
akt
Date: 2004-09-26 09:34 am (UTC)the same was the reason for including queen etc. into the soundtrack. mediaval lute music lulled everyone to sleep, so a booming rock-song was added, just like beethoven added his drum rolls, to occasionally wake up the viewer.
Re: akt
Date: 2004-09-26 11:09 am (UTC)guess
Date: 2004-09-26 11:11 am (UTC)Re: guess
Date: 2004-09-26 03:19 pm (UTC)Re: akt
Date: 2004-09-26 03:16 pm (UTC)[Um, yes, '80s movie dork. Shutting up now.]
Re: akt
Date: 2004-09-26 03:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:43 am (UTC)Really? If they pureed this DVD and made it into a pill, it'd sell faster than Viagra.
*cracks up*
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:12 am (UTC)And I still think whoever authorized a Nike product placement in a medieval movie needs to be shot.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:08 am (UTC)It's not a 'king Medieval movie, it's a Sports movie and it's a Chaucerverse fanfic.
Damn right medieval armourers valued their reputation and translating that into a Nike swoop conveyed it better in 2 seconds than a learned discussion on makers marks would have done in a week.
I LOVED this movie because it didn't respect Chaucer and medieval eorope. No it LOVED Chaucer and medieval europe and went out and got hot and sweaty with them. It says folks liked music back then 'cause it made them want to get jiggy and playing lute stuff wouldn't have sent that message.
but yeah, her dresses and hairstyles really were stupid.
So
alltogether now
GELDERLAND, GELDERLAND, GELDERLAND
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:54 pm (UTC)(He keeps the two awards next to each other in his home.)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:37 am (UTC)Mm, I think this movie is off my list. Except, of course, for the naked Chaucer. That I could really enjoy. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:49 am (UTC)Maybe I can find a coworker who has a copy. What demographic do you think I should aim for to find it--does "coworkers with 13yo female offspring" sound about right?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:54 am (UTC)like mewho's ever bought a movie solely because there are hot guys in it.no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 11:57 am (UTC)Which could of course be interpreted in all sorts of NEW fun ways, but I just assumed he meant 'thong' as in 'leather whip of some sort'. (Which in itself has enough sexual connotations to keep me happy.)
Also, that movie was so slashy that I half-expected a scene with Wat, Chaucer, and cheesy porn music. Chaucer was naked enough.
I may have read too much into Wat's stammering to a naked Chaucer about how long and hard he would be fonged, too. But I blame that on the movie, since, y'know, the only way to MISS the sexual subtext in that scene would be to put your hands over your eyes, spin around in circles, and sing "THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND" really loudly and offkey to drown it out entirely. And even that's not a guarantee.
The plotline was stupid, and Jocelyn was evidently taking her fashion tips from Queen Amidala, and Will spent most of his movie thinking with the wrong head(not to mention holding a giant freaking wooden piece of compensation and driving it into every man in sight, so I really don't know where the hell he got the idea heterosexuality was the way for him to go), but it had a snarky writer poncing about naked so I forgive it everything.
-Callisto
*giggles*
Date: 2004-09-26 12:04 pm (UTC)*is dead*
Re: *giggles*
Date: 2004-09-26 12:13 pm (UTC)I have this mental image in my head of Will going to see a sex counselor(like a career counselor, only infinitely more interesting), except that his counselor was evidently mainlining crack that day.
COUNSELOR: So, tell me about yourself.
WILL: Well, I like to take my long stick and shove it into other guys. Or the other way around, I'm fine with that too.
COUNSELOR: ...
WILL: ...
COUNSELOR: ...right. Look, kid, I need to make my quota here. How about we call you straight and leave it at that?
WILL: Can I keep my stick?
-Callisto
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 02:30 pm (UTC)*dies and iz dead* New OTP!
Have you ever eviscerated someone in fiction?
Oh, yes. Sometimes literally.
Haven't we all?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 02:36 pm (UTC)Hee. That's why writing fantasy/horror is fun. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 03:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 03:47 pm (UTC)Dear Mishkovitz! This thing is the most glabberlang quintosh I've ever been puchothki to read! Please, give grace us with more of your ullali wit soon!
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 09:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-17 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 10:56 pm (UTC)Well, she has a vagina. That always helps.
And because, as we are often told, she is very, very, very, very, very, very pretty.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-27 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-28 04:54 pm (UTC)I can only assume that the only reason you didn't take the opportunity to mock the convergence of 'A Knight's Tale' with 'The Last Game Of The Season' by David Geddes is because you're too young to have ever heard that musical car crash.
And the hair was definately worth some quality mockage.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-05 03:39 am (UTC)Damnit. So worth it.